My self esteem sucks! What a shocker.

January 04, 2006

We interrupt tonight's season 2 marathon of Sex and the City for this entry. Yay!

You know, last year, around June and July, it seemed like everything was pretty good. I was gaining tons of confidence with the new job, I was losing weight steadily, I didn't have a lot of friends but I was still pretty content to do millions of hours of overtime and that's about it. I was doing okay. I had self esteem.

I don't know what happened, really. It might have been the whole Matt Two situation...that's all I can think of to pin this on. But right now, I have the shittiest self esteem that I've had in a really long time, probably since the whole Mike the Banker situation of March 2005. I just really can't stand myself at this moment, and it's ugly.

But I mean...can you blame me when my dad calls me today and tells me, and this is verbatim, that I'm "missing out on the best years of my life" because I'm overweight? I mean, do I really need him to tell me that? How does he think that helps me in the slightest? Does he think that his words of "encouragement" are going to make me think twice about having that cookie? Doesn't he know that when women hear shit like that they want to eat MORE?

It's not just that, I know. It's that I pin my confidence on guys and when a guy rejects me in any kind of way I go off the deep end and get all weird and low self esteem-y. Even having Josh around, with him telling me he loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful and the passion that exists between us, I still feel like shit and I still start fights because I think he's picking on me when really he's just making an observation.

It's not pretty right now. My personal trainer is going to give me a "diet" plan tomorrow, so I'm really going to try to follow that as much as I possibly can. I'm so tired of this, you know? I'm tired of making excuses for myself, doing everything I possibly can NOT to lose the weight when it would just be easier to do it and get it over with.

Blargh, whatever.

About the Josh thing, I still have no clue. After I read what the fabulous Luminary said in my guestbook, I called my mom and told her that I was still seeing Josh. Because she's not retarded and has eyes and ears and a brain, she already knew that and said, "Well, you're an adult, you know what you're doing." Except that I really kinda don't. I just know that it was pretty cool having him and his Boston Terrier, Iris, spend the night last night. He even cooked for me! And then cleaned! And then there was passionate sex! And that's good!

Oh, I'm a mess. I am. I like to think that because I have a really good job and more of a social life and blah blah blah, things are okay. But they aren't. They're a mess. I don't really want advice because we all know I don't take it. I just want to figure it out on my own.

One good thing I've taken from the Josh situation...the way we are when he comes over, how we lie on the sofa together, entwined with each other, giving each other little kisses and holding hands and giving each other little significant looks...that is real intimacy. That is the kind of imtimacy I wanted and tried to force upon every boy I dated lasted year. I'm learning that you can't force something like that, it has to come naturally, and being with Josh has made me see that I wouldn't even want to be intimate with someone that I didn't have such a connection with, you know? So that is one of my biggest resolutins of 2006 - don't force intimacy where there isn't any.

In other news, I haven't been to church in a long time and I'm debating whether or not I should go on Sunday. I feel like I need to just to show them that I'm still alive, but I also feel like taking a break is not such a bad thing. Maybe I can learn about new religions or something. Christianity is interesting and hardcore and nice and everything, but I still, after 5 years, feel like I want something more. So there's that.

Anyway. I would like to go spend some crazy money at Best Buy now. Let us all rock out with our cocks out.

*****
1
"For some reason, I miss that. I miss not being alone. I miss doing the simple things with the one person I loved the most. I don't like being alone anymore.. I want someone else. And I feel like I'm the only one who's jeopardizing myself so that I don't get the things I want. It really sucks to have that feeling, really. Bah."

2
"I don't know. We just have issues. I'm a little disappointed.. I thought maybe the year in Austin had done me well, but you know what? I don't think a damn thing has changed. I love spending time with him, and if anything, it made me sure that I would love to spend my life with him. But these issues we have just won't go away! It's the same damn ones, too. The same issues we've been fighting about since Day 1. When are we going to get over this? I just don't know, and it makes me a little sad."

3
"Does getting friends that wanna do stuff mean that I have to give up making cookies, watching my My So Called Life DVDs, putting pictures in my new photo album, and wishing like fucking crazy that I could find something interesting to say to Matt so we could have some kind of engaging conversation?"

4
"I went to a Guns N Roses concert on New Years Eve."