Things did not go as planned.

March 03, 2005

Yeah, things didn't go exactly as I thought they would tonight.

He just wants to be friends.

He doesn't want a relationship.

He's not attracted to me at all.

He did not enjoy the sex last time, and in fact, doesn't want to have it again. With me. Ever.

He thought it felt wrong.

He didn't compliment me on how I looked tonight. He wasn't affectionate at all. He felt uncomfortable when I was sitting next to him.

But yet.. he still wants to be friends. He stills wants me to "send him a text tomorrow because he likes to hear from me during the day." He said that me saying that I didn't think I could be friends with him because I'm so attracted to him "almost hurt him more than anything else ever."

I bought beer. I bought a whole new outfit. I made burgers and fries and grilled onions. I lit candles. I bought a bouqet of flowers. I've been smiling for 4 days because I knew I was going to see him tonight. And he says that he doesn't want a relationship. He says that he came here tonight thinking maybe things would be different, maybe he would be attracted to me somehow. But he wasn't. He wanted to go home at fucking 9:00.

Tonight I feel like the most unattractive, unappealing, unappetizing person in the world.

Tonight I feel like I lost something. I felt like I almost had it. I fucking felt like we were really and seriously going to fall in love. He made me so happy, but now.. he so completely and brutally hurt me tonight, I can barely stand it. I keep using that word.. brutal. It's so brutal and heartbreaking and horrible... he never had any intentions of falling in love.. he was using me to see if he could feel anything, and he can't, and now I'm fucked because of it.

I mean.. he was fucking with me, man. This whole week that I've been smiling and happy and excited, he's been thinking, "I know she's excited, and I know she's expecting a lot, but I don't really think I feel the same way, but I'm not going to tell her that and totally lead her on so that she starts thinking that maybe it's possible that someone will actually fall in love with her, big fat ugly flaws and everything. And hey, maybe I will be attracted to her, I mean, it's always possible, right?"

He's unlike any boy I've ever known in my life. He's the most confusing person I've ever met. His signals are for shit. I should have known. Everything was off tonight. We had an awesome time at the beginning when we were making burgers, but then after we had eaten, it was all weird.

Signs things were not going to go my way:
- He didn't bother to look nice at all, like he did on the first date. He looked like he was going to a wrestling event later or something. I spent an hour and a half getting ready. I spent $115 on something new to wear tonight. Fuck that.
- He didn't compliment me.
- He never touched me.
- He moved away when I tried to sit next to him.
- He drank 4 beers in 30 minutes.

All the signs were there, but I just didn't want to believe them.

And really.. all the signs have been there since the second the sex was over, but I just didn't want to believe that it was that bad. The sex was good for me! I wanted more of it! But he said tonight that the sex "felt wrong" and he knew he shouldn't have done it and all that bullshit. When he told me that the sex felt wrong, a little part of me seriously died. It hurt. It hurt.. a lot.

We had such an awesome first date, and things looked like they were really going to turn out good, and they just aren't. It's not going to happen. Now he's pulling the "I can't say that nothing can't happen eventually, but for now all I want is your friendship."

And I just wanted to scream. I wanted to claw his eyeballs out. I spent two years running after someone who told me exactly the same thing, and all that happened was that I got fucked over beyond recognition. I'm not up for that again, guys.

It hurts, I'm not going to lie. This was the first guy after Matt and I really thought there was something special there. I wanted to believe that it was possible that someone could like me just the way I am, just like Mark Darcy and fucking Bridget Jones. To get so brutally rejected in my own apartment with someone that I thought liked me.. it hurts.

I just don't understand. I don't get it. And I don't get how he expects me to be friends when he rejected me so extremely brutally. I feel like an idiot. I feel so stupid and naive. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone again. I feel like there's nobody else out there in the world that can feel true love for me. I feel that way, and I don't know how to stop.

But.. don't worry about me. I have a good job, and an awesome best friend, and a mom who listens to me and consoles me, and I'm going to Austin this weekend where I'll see my girls and my brother and his doggie and perhaps even Joey, my gay movie boyfriend. I'm even talking to fucking Matt about it right now, but he's being all psychobabbly about it and not really making me feel any better.

I love my job and I love being independent and not giving a fuck about what people think, but that's bullshit. All I want is to be in love, and to have someone love me back. That is ALL I WANT. I don't care how corny it is.. it's the fucking truth.

I hate boys.