the suckness of Shreveport, Josh is sexy, and jealousy

January 01, 2006

Happy New Year! Whoo.

I am in Shreveport, and I really don't understand why I get so excited to come here because it's totally ghetto and usually not fun at all. I mean, the hotel where I'm staying? They don't even have high speed internet! I'm coming at you via DIAL UP! I mean, Stone Ages anyone? Not to mention the casinos don't have automatic card shufflers and the dealers have to do it by hand. *snore* Oh well. At least I'm not paying for the hotel.

So last night...it was just me and Josh, all us, all the time. It was nice, but yet again, the whole entire time I kept thinking how I'm going to have to put a stop to us at some point. I know I can't keep him! But he's just so...cute! I get to the point where I'm ready to just say it, and then he says something totally cute like "Hey, I have this problem where I miss you all the time...I just thought you should know." *sigh* I know, I know.

There is something Josh has right now that he didn't 9 years ago, and that's the fact that he is so motherfucking sexy to me right now! I don't know, it's a whole combination of things...his tattoos, his earring, his freckles, his auburn hair, his beautiful blue eyes, his big muscle-y arms...mrow! And his smell and his animal magnetism and the way he kisses and his tongue ring...ohmygod...I'm sorry, but I really can't help myself sometimes. But on the other hand...I know I can't keep it going. I don't want to end up with him, I just don't, and it's not fair to keep it going when I know that. *sigh*

I will end it! Really, really soon! I swear! I mean, really. I will. I swear.

In other news, I'm having a swell time with Josh, but my mind keeps swerving back to Matt One. This time of year is tough...we spent 5 New Years in a row together, one of which was spent seeing Axl live and in person. And now...I can't help but compare my life to his and be absolutely uncontrollably jealous of him. He's 27 and has this amazing life full of traveling and success and girlfriends and friends and football...and I'm working for the man, wondering when the hell I'm going to get a promotion, waking up at 5:45 in the morning, having sex with an ex-boyfriend that I have to keep a secret from practically everyone, and generally not having near the life he has.

Why does he get to be the succesful one? Why do I get to be with him when he's barely scraping by, depressed all the time, nothing to look forward to...and now she gets to be with him when everything is great and he gets to go on 3 week road trips to Vegas?

God, I don't know. I can't believe it's been like...9 months since we've last talked. You know...all I want to know is that 5 years of my life wasn't wasted. All I want to know is that he thinks about me every now and then, that there is a little tiny piece of him that regrets how it all happened. You know? I don't really miss him. I don't really want him back in my life. I just want to know that I mattered. Why can't I know that? How could he just...forget about me?

So that's fun. Maybe someday I'll get over it. Maybe SOMEDAY it won't suck so bad.

In other news, I got a ticket today. It sucked because I was literally 12 seconds from the Louisiana border when the Texas cop pulled me over. Grawr! More defensive driving for me.

I feel like 2006 will be pretty good. I am looking forward to building on the things I accomplished last year. I have no clue how the boy situation is going to go, but I don't think it can get worse than it was last year. But really, it very well could be. All I know is that I was having sexual intercourse as the clock turned from 11:59 to 12:00. That is definitely not a way I've celebrated the new year before! So this year...started off with a bang!

Thank you, I'll be here I'll night.

Anyway, it's back to the world of casinos for me. I'm going to try not to empty my bank account tonight, but no promises.

I hope you all had a rocktacular New Years Ever and that we all find what we're looking for in 2006. Yay!