Random thoughts on a Sunday night...

January 22, 2006

You guys know how I tend to obsess over the past, right? Well, tonight is no different! This is from a year ago.

There comes a time in every girl's life when she finally realizes that she is over her ex-boyfriend. I've kinda thought that was the case for the last month or so, but tonight I really figured it out for sure.

It's just so weird to have felt a certain way for SO VERY LONG and then all of a sudden, feel a completely different way. I don't know if I woke up one day and decided to get over him. I don't know what happened.. maybe I'm just growing up. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. I appreciate it. It's just.. a really good thing.

That's interesting to me. To think that I could be "over" someone just because I had a brand new boy in my life. Because right now, a year later, I KNOW I'm not over it, and as long as Matt keeps up the silent treatment, I don't know if I ever will be completely "over it."

You know, sometimes, when I'm feeling sorry for myself on a particular day, I think to myself...wow, another day goes by that I haven't talked to Matt. And that's so weird, because right now I am in love with someone who loves me, I have an awesome job, I have somewhat of a social life when I allow myself to have one, blah blah blah, I don't need him. I don't even particularly want him in my life.

But when I think about him, there's still a little sting. There's still the fact that I clung to the guy for a whole seven and a half years and all I got at the end was a "my girlfriend doesn't want me to talk to you anymore, bye." I'm sorry, but man...like, 10 months later and it still SUCKS. I know I know nothing about his situation or his life or anything, but man...I was there with him for a long time. We shared our life together for a long time. He was right there with me, it wasn't like I was doing it alone. I know I've said this a million times, and I'll say it again...I just think that after so very long I deserve a little more than that.

To make myself feel better I like to think that he's just an asshole, that he is a soul-less bastard that doesn't give one tiny shit about my feelings. But that would mean I spent so long with someone who never cared, and that makes me feel even worse.

I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever totally feel like I'm "over" Matt. I loved him with all my heart and soul and wanted to end up with him. I don't want that anymore, at all, in any kind of way, not even if there was an opportunity. Maybe there will always be a part of me that will wonder why it had to happen the way it did. But it HAD to happen that way or otherwise I wouldn't have gotten that kick in the ass I needed. It all worked out the way it should, but still, sometimes it still mystifies me. p>

In other news, I was really going to try to make it to church today, but I spent the night at the farm and when I woke up at 7, I looked outside and it was all rainy and pretty and cold and I just had to sleep for another 2 hours. Um, I haven't been to church since, like, November. Isn't that sad? Maybe it's time I put the church charade to an end. Don't you think it's interesting that I go to church faithfully until I learn that Church Boy never had any feelings for me at all, and then I completely stop going? I mean, is that really why I went to church? No, but it was a good incentive. I would also like to add that the people I thought of as friends in my class...none of them have called me, none of them have been the slightest bit interested in why I haven't joined them in 2 months. Well, fine, whatever.

I don't know. The church thing never did as much for me as I was seeking. Or maybe I'm just not feeling the vibe right now. It comes and goes. I'd rather find something that I feel strongly about all the time rather than certain times of the year. I don't get it, exactly. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

In other news, 2 years ago today I moved back from Austin. Austin is really starting to be nothing but a pleasant memory now, and that distresses me. It was a huge learning experience, the biggest wake up call I've ever had, and I don't want it to be just a little memory. But, what can you do? Time passes. Blargh blargh.

Ah, you think I'm finished? I am so NOT finished! Of course I have to talk about that which is Josh first.

A big thing that has been in the way of really thinking of me and Josh in a real way is the fact of my dad. He hated Josh, obviously. But that was 9 years ago, and as my mom said, there's really no reason why my dad would even remember him now, especially with all the alcohol he's consumed between then and now. And that kinda lifted a huge weight off me and now I've really let myself be open to the possibility that this might be real, that maybe we can do this, that maybe there is a chance for us to make it work.

I know I have my doubts, like I've said about 100 times, but also maybe we can work it out. And if we can't, at least we tried, right?

Friday night was really cool...he made the best enchiladas that ever existed in the world. I mean, seriously guys, you should be jealous of these enchiladas. Then we watched the 40 year old virgin (get it, on the anniversary of the virginity? aww year) and you know, sex and stuff. It was nice. Really nice.

I don't know. We'll figure it out. I do love him and if we were meant to be, I want to know that. I can see us being together in the future, but how long into the future I'm just not sure about yet. But at least I have an open mind enough to see if it can happen, and now that I have that, I won't keep jeopardizing things as I tend to do. Fun.

In completely different news, my cousin that lives in Florida came to visit and she brought her 11 week old puppy, Sasha. Sasha is an Anatolian Shephard and completely white and of course I fell in love with this dog. I can't resist a puppy. It's impossible.

I was also very happy last night because I had to sleep in a bunk bed, but my little Charlie got right in bed with me and slept with me the whole night. *sigh* I wish he wasn't such a vicious asshole when he's not at the farm so that I could keep him for myself. Damn racist dogs.

I did some overtime at work today and I did the movie Elektra in spanish. Jennifer Garner has really weird lips in that movie.

Also, at work on Friday I really pissed J off and I still feel bad about it. I know he's over it but it was really tense there for a few hours and I felt like sticking a paper clip in my eyeball. But that's the first real tense moment we've had in our friendship so I guess it's good to get it out of the way and then move on with our lives.

I've done a lot of overtime lately and I think I need to stop doing so much and oh, I don't know, actually take my big ass to the gym a couple of times this week. That would be AWESOME!

Well, obviously I've talked enough. Goodnight, and good luck. Man, I miss the shit out of Josh. *sigh*

****
3
"I know I should just say "Look, I can't talk to you for a while, it hurts both of us too much," but that would just be too smart. It's easy to talk to him. It's nice to talk to him, even if it did have me crying in the fetal position on my sofa in my pajamas at 5:00 today. That "Oh my god I'm going to throw up and/or choke on my tears" kind of crying that everyone loves so much."

4
"
Sometimes I'm really thankful for BB, I really am. I listen to Jeep Girl talk about this horror of a boyfriend she has, and I'm like.. Thank God. Thank God I have a boyfriend who doesn't care that I've gained 50 pounds in the 4 years that I've been with him. Thank God I don't have a boyfriend that as soon as I get him off, he turns over and watches MTV without even caring to see that I get attended to."