Mish mash from the bottom of my brain

January 26, 2006

Hi. I'm at work and I really don't have anything too intruiging to say, but I'm bored and tired of that last entry, so...

- I have to go to the dentist today. I really, really, don't want to.

- Josh came over last night. We watched Snatch, which I didn't really understand at all whatsoever. We then ate fajitas and watched the Family Guy movie, which was very entertaining and humorous to my eyes and ears. We also had some awesome sex. It wasn't the best ever (that was last week), but it was pretty damn awesome.

I just bought tickets for us to go to the symphony next month because they're doing Star Wars: the musical. I have no idea, but he's obsessed with Star Wars so there we go.

I luv me some Josh. I've given up on trying to break up with him. I just don't want to, really. The future I'm still not sure about, because I really have no idea how he's going to support a family on his dubious career path at the moment, but I do know that he's pretty much the smartest guy I know in all areas (Matt was book smart but definitely not street smart) and will figure it out.

I don't know. I mean, it's barely been a month, we have time to figure it out. One thing that did freak me out a little was, in an email he sent me this morning, he said, "I love you so much it's scary!" I can understand the sentiment, but still, that can't be great.

- I can't stop eating. I can't. I need my fucking Meridia but I can't get that until I go to the doctor, and I'm not going until Feb. 6th. I need to find it somewhere inside of me to just fucking stop, and right now...I don't know. It's scaring me, it's freaking me out, and I'm really not looking too good, either.

I actually had to leave work early on Tuesday because we had lunch at this pizza place, and apparently my stomach hated me for it because I spent the last hour in the bathroom about to cry because I was in so much pain. What's up with that? Why do I continue to punish myself in such an extreme way when just 6 months ago I was doing well with the eating thing and actually losing weight?

Someday...someday I'll figure it out. I have to. I can't keep doing this to myself.

- I'm thinking about checking out Buddhism. I'm reading about it now and it sounds like something I've been looking for. I've been trying the Christianity thing for so long and it just never clicked with me as much as I tried to force it to. I think that I find it to be too fucking judgmental. I really didn't like the way that I felt like a horrible person for doing things I like, like listening to GN'R and cussing and stuff like that. So, Buddhism...it looks interesting. I really know nothing about it, but I want to find out everything I can.

Good times.

- I feel like I'm in some kind of transitional period in my life, I guess. Now that I've been at my job for almost a year and I'm really good at it and I'm needed and I have security, I'm looking at the other stuff that's going on. I need to change my weight situation. I need to find a house to buy with money in my trust fund. I need to figure out the Josh thing. I need to figure out the spiritual thing. And I need to be able to do all these things at once, which I've never been capable of doing before. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but damnit...I have to get off my ass and change things.

It's just so much easier to sit on my ass and watch Celebrity Fit Club than to actually go out and work on my shit. I'm so unmotivated, but I have such desire to change things. I don't get it. Maybe someday I will.

I don't like this entry but it's the truth and the truth shall set you free!

Now, back to work, back to Soap Talk, which is entirely loathsome and we should all fear humanity if it's anything like the people on this show. Lisa Rinna, please do something about your lips.

That is all.