Why I'm stupid and need to be clubbed over the head.

March 02, 2006

Someday I'll learn. Someday I'll fucking learn that some doors are just meant to stay closed. But until then, I guess I just have to punish myself and put myself through unnecessary bullshit just to prove a point.

When I wrote that email to Matt, I didn't know what I expect. I did expect for him to at least read the fucking thing, which he did not do. He sent it to his girlfriend, who read it and then responded. Isn't that nice? Isn't that lovely? I get a fucking novel from his girlfriend and he doesn't even read it.

So, what do I know now? I know he was seeing her a long time before I knew about it. I know they live together. I know they're close to getting engaged. I know he's read certain entries of my diary, which I have no idea how that even happened. I know he "stumbled upon" this entry, which really I'd rather he wouldn't. I know she used to read this but doesn't anymore.

To think that he wouldn't even read it, just fucking send it to her...it makes me crazy. It fucking makes me CRAZY. And the really fun part about it is that in a couple of hours Josh and I are going to San Antonio and spending pretty much the next 4 days together, so I better fucking get over it or I'm not going to be in for good times at all.

I don't know. I want to move on with my life, I really do. I don't want him. I don't need him. I don't even particularly like him at all. I don't appreciate anything he stands for. I regret most of the years I spent with him. Yet this email is not making me happy right now.

Someday...someday I hope to come to terms with the fact that I spent so long on someone who couldn't give a shit about me. I don't know why I did it. I just know I have to let go somehow and worry about myself and not him. I haven't NOT worried about him since I was 17 years old, and I have no idea how to do it. But I have to. I realize this. I just don't know how.