myspace strikes again!

February 07, 2006

So Myspace has struck again, luring me into seeing information that I may or may not be ready to feast my eyes upon.

Ali-Kat came over tonight and I showed her some myspace love, which included pictures of Josh and Ryan and his new girlfriend. Then, as I tend to do sometimes because apparently I'm incapable of letting go and moving on, even though I'm in love and happy with Josh, I searched for Matt on myspace. I didn't find him, but I found...her. Oh yes, "Jennifer." I didn't even search for her specifically (uh, maybe because I searched for her last name and somehow they got married and now that's her last name? oh dear.), but I found her.

I don't know what I expected, but what I found...she's kinda chubby. She has big legs. She has ugly dogs. She loves her boyfriend "Mattie." She's in college for psychology. She likes butterflies and Winnie the Pooh. And her profile says "Married", and while I first thought that was to keep people from hitting on her, I'm starting to wonder...why did I just find her by searching for HIS last name when it wasn't anywhere in her profile? Um.

Man, I wish I could just stop thinking about Matt, comparing myself to him and his life, being bitter about the things we went through together and how he just doesn't care anymore. What that random person said in my guestbook made me think...it really isn't the silent treatment, he's moved on. And I haven't. And I have no idea how to do it. I have a job, I have friends, I even have a boyfriend that loves me, and yet I can't get him out of my head.

And I sat there with Ali-Kat and trashed this girl that I've never met, but she seems nice. They're both into psychology so they can mindfuck each other all day and night. That's nice. And I sat there and trashed him, because she has pictures of him on there and you know what? He doesn't look any damn different, he doesn't even really look good.

But all of that doesn't fucking matter at all, because when it comes down to it, I'm not over it. And when it comes down to it, I'm sure they're a pretty nice couple together. I bet she at least pretends to enjoy herself at high school football games. I bet she has her shit together and has lots of friends and gets good grades and rocks that ass. I bet she probably gives good blow jobs. I bet they're probably really happy together, and why should that have anything to do with me? I already had my time with him. I don't want anymore fucking time with him. I don't even want him in my life! So why can't I just fucking get over it and fucking move on?

It's really one of the most annoying things about my life. Yes, we were together a long time. We did a lot of things in those 5 years together. In the 2 and a half years after we broke up, there were a lot of emotional roller coasters. I still thought, for many years, that we would end up together. And now I know, yes, we will NOT end up together. I don't WANT to end up with him! So why am I still such a fucking mess?

I don't know. I don't understand. I may never understand. And that? Fucking drives me out of this world insane.

And I was just talking to Ali-Kat..."Well, it says she's married, and she popped up when I was searching for his name, blah blah blah-"

And she said...

"Well, so what it if he is?"

And really, so what if he is married? That should not affect me in any kind of way. I have no stake in his future. He is my past. He is a large part of my past, and no part of my future.

So why is that so fucking hard for me to accept?