Me, bitter? Come on!

March 05, 2006

So, I had an okay weekend. I took half of Thursday and all of Friday off and Josh and I went to San Antonio to watch the Mavs vs. the Spurs. Man, those Spurs fans really love them some basketball. And by that I mean they're really annoying and kind of cheesy. But it was a fun game to watch and it was even nicer to actually be at a public event with Josh and not have anything go horribly, terribly wrong. Not that they would. But dude has a temper, you know?

Anyway. We got along...most of the time. Other times, not so much, but we got over it and had more sex. I think we had sex just about 10 times this weekend, 3 times a day and once this morning. Don't tell anyone, but I think that might been just a bit too much. Of course it still feels good, but after a while it's kind of just something to do instead of a way to express your love and such. But anyway. It was a nice weekend. I will miss him, but I will also enjoy much-needed alone time.

He's started pushing to move in together and that freaks me out. I am so, so not ready to live with a boy right now. I never have, first of all, and at the point in my life I cherish my alone time way too much. Plus, we still get in these petty arguments, and if we lived together...that just wouldn't be fun.

But anyway. Yeah, so, that whole letter to Matt debacle was fun, wasn't it? I wrote something outrageously vulnerable and awful to "Jennifer" and she wrote me back with this gem:

Elizabeth,

I'm sorry that I responded to the first e-mail. I should have known better than that. I wasn't trying to upset you and I realize that I'm the last person on earth that needs to try to help you move on. Sorry.

Take Care,
Jennifer

Aww. Kinda warms your heart a little, doesn't it?

You know...on one hand, this whole thing makes me furious. It makes me sickeningly angry that he can play the world's greatest boyfriend. He can be all, "Look how great I am, I keep NO SECRETS! Read my email, oh great Girlfriend Goddess, because I am the greatest EVER!" while I'm just the pathetic ex-girlfriend that can't move on. Man, that pisses me off. He never even TRIED to be that way when we were together. If he told me anything that may have been the truth, it was only by accident.

And I mean...what fucking nerve this girl has, right? What makes her, in her right fucking mind, think it's okay to write me back? This was something between me and Matt. I didn't want to get her involved. Oh, but she can't sit there and have me writing emails! Oh, no! She has to tell me all about their fantastic live filled with basketball games and new cars and dogs and moving in together, like that's supposed to help me move on. God damn, Bitch! What the fuck?

That part of me hates Matt and wants to hate him for the rest of my fucking life. How dare he deprive me of my closure by not even reading the damn email! How dare he share my thoughts, my private thoughts, with his wonderful little girlfriend? Grawr.

But the other part of me, the part of me that still miracuously has some kind of sanity left, is grateful that this happened. Yes, I regret sending him an email in the first place, I regret it A LOT. I regret replying to her instead of turning my back and letting her wiggle with anticipation. Because I should have left it alone, and we all know that.

But I'm glad I sent it because I got a wake-up call. I told her, "I just don't understand why I stayed with him for so long, and I will never understand why he left me stay so long." That is such bullshit, Elizabeth. You know? It's fucking bullshit. I was perfectly capable, at any single time during the 5 years and then the 2 and a half years after that, to open my mouth and say, "This is stupid. I don't want to be your last resort anymore. I want more than this." I could have said that. I could have done something about it. And the fact that I never did, the fact that I keep trying to blame him for recognizing the fact that I was never going to let go and taking advantage of that...that's hardcore bullshit and I resent myself for it.

I'm 26 years old and yet a lot of the time I feel like I have the mentality of a 17 year old. I was 17 when I met both Josh and Matt, so it was a big year. I sometimes feel like I never left that age, I just stopped letting myself grow. I mean, I have experienced more things, learned how to get a job and pay the bills, blah blah blah, but I never learned how to be an adult. I never got past being the sad little victim that let herself be controlled by the male species. I want to let go, I really do. I want to be my own person, never blaming anyone else for my own actions. That sure would be nice.

And with Matt...you know what? I don't remember. I don't remember his voice. (And that's saying a lot, because even after I hadn't talked to Josh for 5 years I remembered his voice), I don't remember how we acted together, I don't remember him saying he loved me, I don't remember having a real relationship together, one where we both knew we loved each other and we acted accordingly. I don't remember him anymore, and that makes me a little sad, but it's just the way it is. I wish I could really recognize that for what it is and truly move on, since I don't even know how we were together anymore. You'd think.

If I have learned anything over the past couple of years, it's that closure is a myth. I shouldn't have written that letter because I was looking for some kind of closure. Even him just merely reading it might have been enough but he didn't even do that. I have to find it within myself, and that's important to me. I don't know how to do that but maybe someday I will.

The one consolation I have in this situation, and there is one, believe it or not, is that I know he read this entry. I have no idea how he happened to "come across" that particular entry, but I'm glad he did. It was heartfelt, it said what I wanted him to know without actually knowing that he was going to see it. Plus, it recnognized the fact that I shouldn't be feeling the way I did. I can dig the fact that he saw that.

I apparently never know who is reading this thing anymore. Josh might be next, who knows. The fact that "Jennifer" used to like...religiously read this thing really shows that there's a little something screwy with her, too, but that's something for another time. Though, come on, really. Why would you want to read the diary of your boyfriend's ex girlfriend? So that you could feel like you're better than her? Dude, seriously. She might get to experience all the things I never got to with him, like living with him, getting engaged, getting married, growing old with him. That's fabulous for her. But guess who will always be there first? Who went to Vegas with him the first time, who was there when he was struggling to make ends meet, who was there when he had nothing, who was there for 5 goddamn years of first experiences? And, oh, yeah, who took the man's virginity? She might get to enjoy the easy life with him, but I was the one who got him to that point in the first place. There's nothing noble about being with someone when there's no more struggle to be made.

I know that shouldn't be a consolation to me, but oh yeah, it is. I was there first. I hope she enjoys the sloppy seconds.