There's nothing left to say.

April 26, 2005

Man.. I just have so much to say, and I know it all won't come out right, but here it is. Bear with me, guys.. after this mega entry, I will TRY to keep the Matt references to a minimum. But you know how it is.. the day after is always the worst.

So, he has a girlfriend. I'm not surprised, but it still hurts retardedly bad. Even though I've tried to warn myself that it was going to happen. Even 5 minutes before I had the exchange with him yesterday, I was walking PD and thinking to myself, "He has another girlfriend. Stop thinking he doesn't, because he does."

I don't know why I felt so strongly about knowing already that he had a girlfriend, but I did. And still, after totally convincing myself that he did.. when he told me that, I collapsed. I cried for an hour, the kind of crying that I haven't participated in since the Austin days.

After we had our brief exchange yesterday...

Me: Hi and stuff.
Matt: Hi! I have something unsettling to tell you.
Me: Okay.
Matt: Jennifer and I have moved to boyfriend/girlfriend status and she has requested that I don't see you.
Me: Okay.
Me: I pretty much knew that.
Me: But.. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you're happy and stuff.
Matt: Thank you. That means a lot.

We didn't talk again after that. I didn't call him and scream, "How can you do this to me!" I didn't send him 100 IM's that said, "Why why why?!" or any number of things I could have done or could have said. I'm quite proud of myself for that.. it makes me think that in the time in between now and 2 and a half years ago when it happened last time, maybe I've at least grown a shred or two of pride back.

I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to get back together, I don't want anything but just to forget about him. I just want to forget about all the road trips, the king sized beds, the incredible passion that never died, snuggling in his bed watching TV, that incredible summer in 2003 when for a month or two, everything was almost perfect. I want to just forget about his eyes and his smile and his touch and his house and his dog and his roomate's daughter and everything he ever taught me and gave to me in the past 7 and a half years I've known him.

I don't know how to forget. I want to get over this, I really do, I want to get over it more than anything. I don't want to be in the middle of working and then suddenly think about how he's committed himself already to someone else, again, and I never was good enough for that. Why wasn't I ever good enough?

When this happened before, it was a complete surprise. I had no idea it was going to happen. When I found out he had another girlfriend that December day in 2002, my world fell apart. I clung to him, begged him, did everything I possibly could to keep around. I even moved 200 miles to get away from his memory, and that just made it so much worse.

I don't know who this "Jennifer" is. I don't know what she does, what she looks like, what she's into. I don't know how they met. I don't know how long they've been dating, and I don't know how long it took before he told her he loved her.
I do know they've been officially together shorter than 2 weeks, because we got it on 2 weeks ago. But.. that is something I will talk about later.

I don't know anything about her, other than the fact when he told me they went to the Elton John concert together a month ago, I knew it was trouble.

But whoever she is.. she wins. With the last girl, Lori, I had my boxing gloves out and I really duked it out for him. I didn't give a shit about her, or what they felt for each other, anything. All I wanted was to get him back. And I did, but not how I wanted him back. I just don't have what he wants in a mate, although I do have a pair of lips and a tongue that sure did make him happy for a few years, there.

But.. I have taken the gloves off. She wins. He says she doesn't want him to see me.. fine. I won't see him. I won't talk to him. I will ignore him if he does try to talk to me, because we're in a new era now. A new era of me no longer deluding myself into thinking that we have any kind of future. I don't know who she is.. I don't know what he's told her about me. I know she thinks I'm some kind of competition or else she wouldn't have told him not to see me.

As my roommate said last night.. "You shouldn't have to fight for it." I've never really recognized that and how true it is, but she's right. I shouldn't. And I'm done fighting.

I don't know what bothers me more.. the fact that she told him that, or the fact that he's apparently so whipped by a girl he barely knows that he's willing to forego seeing someone he's "loved" for 7 and a half years.

I'm feeling a lot of things right now, most of all sadness. I'm trying to keep the bitter away, but it's hard... I'm sure glad he got him some 2 weeks ago from me, though. There's no doubt in my mind that he knew it was going to be the last time, a fact that he did not, in fact, share with me. A wonderful last hurrah. Hey, let's have sex for 30 seconds, and oh, here's $45 to go buy the morning after pill. Too bad it was so very passionate and deep and I felt like, almost for the first time, we were "making love." Interesting how I can delude myself so easily.

And the fact that that whole conversation that lasted for a mere 2 minutes is all I get out of this. A "unsettling" piece of news, and a "that means a lot to me," and that's it. No "I'm sorry," or "I'll miss you," or anything like that to cushion the blow.

That confuses me, it really does. I've never known him to just flat out blow me off like that. I wonder if he did it because he thought I was going to initiate some long conversation that would go on for hours and just make things worse, like I have many times in the past, and that's why he kept it so short. Or I wonder if he knows that I'm going to be okay, that I'm giving up, and that's all I need from him now.

I don't know why, and it hurts to know that that's all he's willing to give me, after all these years.

I just don't know how to stop thinking about him. I never really got over him. When I was having crushes and you know, sex, with other guys, it was all fine and dandy. But now that I'm truly alone... I don't know how to do it. I didn't even attempt to do it last time. I've been avoiding this even though it's been inevitable for quite some time now.

And now, as I sit here engaging in some heavy duty "cry so hard that I feel like I'm gonna hurl all over myself" action, I don't know what to do. I know time will make it better. I know that by not talking to him, it's saying a million times more than it would if I were to say anything. I know that this was way overdue and it hurts so bad right now because I've let it fester until it got out of control. I know that there are other guys out there, guys who will committ to me, who won't be afraid of telling me they love me.

But right now.. I don't know how to stop thinking about him and the fact that this is over. This is really and truly over. I won't even allow myself to think that there's ever a chance for us again. Even if they do break up.. and I don't know if they will, I know nothing about their relationship except that he seems to be spending a lot of time with her in the past couple of weeks. But even if they do.. I can't do it again. I can't get my hopes up. I can't go over there time and time again to give and receive nookie only to leave feeling like such total shit because I knew he was using me.

This has been quite a 2005 for me... 2 guys in 4 months that have totally made me feel helpless and out of control. That's not a good track record. And there's still 8 months left.. what else is going to happen?

I love him for everything he taught me and showed me about the world, and someday I'll be thankful that we didn't end up together. Someday I'll be thankful that all of this happened, but right now.. I don't know how to stop thinking about him.

I am grateful that he stepped up and told me. I am also grateful that this just might be the motivation I needed to get it together for good. The huge kick in the ass. I told my brother in Austin this weekend that I was thinking about moving back (don't worry, I won't), and he said I was just trying to run away from my problems again. I hate it when he's right. The steps that I'm going to take in the next couple of days to at least begin to the process of purging my system:
- I already got rid of my porn (thanks, Ali-Kat!)
- I'm getting rid of the email address I've had for 6 years because that's the one I used to talk to him. I hate to see it go, but I have to.
- Really get the weight thing on track. I feel like it's going to work this time. And if I feel like eating fundido or a cheeseburger, I'll just think of Matt and how it feels to be merciessly rejected, and I'll have some celery instead.
- Other stuff.

I'll be okay.. as opposed to 2 and a half years ago, I have a best friend, and it's not him, and after she read this diary yesterday she was almost out the door before I even called her to come over here and help me not fall to pieces. I have a really good job. I have stability here in Dallas. It won't be like last time, and at least I can take comfort in that.

But.. he's still on my mind. I still don't understand why I was never good enough for him. I still don't understand how he could end it all so coldly and emotional-less. It hurts, and it'll hurt for a long time. But at least I can restrain myself from talking to him. At least I can deal with the fact that we might not talk for a while, weeks, months, whatever. Everything that can be said.. it's already been said. There's nothing new. Nothing different. I've said everything I've needed to say in the years that we haven't been together.

It's been a struggle to keep him, and now that I've lost him, it'll be a struggle to move on. But I will. I have to.. I owe it to myself.