The short(er) version

April 27, 2005

Man, I miss those days when I'd write an entry that tore me up inside and people would respond to it. With the exception of an "AK" (I wish I knew who you were!), nobody seems to have anything to say. Are you all choking back "I told you so!" and can't be bothered to comment, or was my entry just maybe too long for you to really give a shit about?

Here's the short version, then.

Matt has a new girlfriend. She doesn't want him to see me. I knew this was coming, but I hadn't properly prepared myself for it.

I seem to have lost my appetite.. I can't and don't want to eat anything. In the past 2 days, the only things I've eaten was half of yogurt yesterday, and half of a fettucine alfredo lean cuisine today for lunch.

I'll be okay at work and then I'll remember how he was just telling me he loved me ("I'll always love you, but you don't have the things I want right now.") a month ago, or I'll remember 2 weeks ago and how everything seemed kinda right, but it was all a lie, something he did to get out of his system before he comitted himself to someone else.

Right now I'm reduced to the kind of crying fit where I can't seem to stop, and where I can't imagine EVER stopping, where I think about moving somewhere far, far away to get rid of these memories that won't seem to stop haunting me.

It hurts that he hasn't tried to talk to me in the past 2 days at all. It hurts that he knows exactly how I feel even though I haven't told him. I don't need to tell him. I hope that at some point in the future, when they've had a fight or something and he gets lonely, he'll think of how he treated me, and he'll feel just the hint of regret.

And what sucks the most is that I let him treat me that way because I thought in the end it would work out. And it won't. It's over. Forever.

I deleted my email address that I used to talk to him. I've had it for 6 years and now I'm kind of regretting it, but I had to do it. I can't do what I did last time and spend hours online just waiting for him to talk to me. I don't want to know when he's idle. I don't want him to know when I'm not idle.

I'm not doing well, and I don't know when the worst part of this will be over. The thing is.. I've already been here and moved on. So why am I here again?