Not that I'm bitter...

July 26, 2005

I don't want to bring the room down after such a nice happy lovey entry, but I have things I wish to get off my mind. Not that they will get off my mmind just by writing it, but at least they'll be out there in the universe. And really, that's what this online diary thing is all about, isn't it? To get these thoughts out there so that they become real once they are seen by the whole internet community that cares enough to see it?

Just ignore me.

I've been feeling a lot Blah in the past couple of weeks. Like, I'm losing sleep almost every night because my brain refuses to shut down when it's supposed to. My eating is back to being terrible horrible. After losing a significant amount of weight, I might be on the road to gaining it all back, which is really a very sad state of affairs.

I'd like to blame it on PMS or like, Season Affective Disorder or something fun like that, but...that's not it. I don't want to admit it, but I'm pretty sure it's just some shitty self esteem.

I mean, a big chunk of it simply has to do with the fact that all the stuff I was looking forward to so much this summer? It's already happened. I got my car, I have an apartment, my writing class is almost over, I got my promotion at work, so what's next? What do I look forward to now, other than captioning my ass off and doing overtime when my wrist doesn't feel like it's about to snap in half?

That's a cop out, and I know it is. I can look forward to hanging out with my best friend, making new friends, losing more weight, FINALLY writing my novel, but there's nothing solid and tangent that I can mark down my calandar for, and that's a big reason for my blahness.

But the big reason for the Blahs is...you guessed it...boy-related.

So, it's July. 7 months into the year, and I've already been straight up rejected by 3 different guys. I'm averaging a rejection every other month! Each one of them just flat out stopped contacting me in any kind of way after they all saw me in some capacity.

With Mike, the second the sex was over, I was no longer useful to him, and boom! Nothing. After many unfortunate text messages and desperate phone calls and one very brutally honest night in my apartment, nothing. He never.contacted.me.again.

Okay, so fine. I'll just go and see what my ex-boyfriend is up to. We have a flirtation. We see each other once a week for an illicit nookie session, things get a little heated once again, one day I go over there and things get out of hand, the next day I find myself at Planned Parenthood, a week later he tells me his new girlfriend doesn't want him to talk to me or see me EVER again. That's it. He's done. He.never.contacted.me.again.

Alrighty. So I'll take this writing class and meet a boy with a tattoo and an earring who really strikes up interesting feelings in my body. We'll talk online, we have a fascinating intellectual stimulation, I'll confess my crush, we'll go on a date where I THOUGHT everything went well, and then...he.never.contacted.me.again.

The Eric thing...I thought I was over it, I thought I wasn't going to let it bother me, but I'm not and it does. I really, really like this guy. Obvious issues aside, I truly think that we could both be important in each other's lives IF he could give it a chance, and well, it turns out he can't. I don't know, maybe it freaked him out that there was someone in this world that really seemed to care about him. Maybe he just isn't attracted to me. Maybe there's someone else. I don't know. All I know is that I put myself out there, I got rejected AGAIN, and it's starting to take a toll on me.

3 boys in 7 months who just completely cut off all communication to me. I don't get that. I know I should be blaming it on them and the type of boys that I tend to like, but really? What is it about me that makes it so easy to just stop talking to me forever? Am I that boring? Am I that self-absorbed? Am I that obnoxious?

Don't get me wrong, I know there's someone out there for me somewhere, and you know, patience and all that crap. But man...I just want to be with someone, you know? I want to be in love and not be afraid to show the person how much in love with them I am. I don't want to play games. I just want to be in love. Why is that so fucking hard?

Okay, I'm done now. I just had to put it out there. Woe is me, I know. I really need to work on this self-absorbed beyond belief thing. It's starting to bug me as to how much I can possibly talk about my self.

Oohoh, in completely different news, the cable guy is coming to install my DVR on Monday! I am so unnaturally excited about that! That means I don't have to figure out how to install the million year old TiVO that Matt gave me just before freezing me out of his life forever! YAY!

Not that I'm bitter.

*****

3 years ago...
"I lurrve me some BB. He's generous, he loves me, he's good to me, he's funny, he's smart, and he'll be such a good daddy. Sometimes I wonder about the past 5 years, but I know he's the right one."

4 years..
"I am enjoying my late night walks around the school track as of late, although I wish I had use of some Charlie's Angels style Kung Fu tricks, because there's always some kind of seedy looking character whistling at me. Yes, I love being whistled at when I have sweat coming out of every pore of my body. I know I'm just sooo sexy at this point."