Matt and Matt and woe is me and shoot me now!

September 03, 2005

Anyone want to be bored out of their minds? Just read this entry, it'll do the trick.

Oh, man, I just sobbed like a baby during the last 10 minutes of the last episode of Six Feet Under. That probably has more to do with my having PMS than how actually sad it was. But it was pretty sad.

I'm currently in Austin. I would like to be doing something else right now other than sitting in my brother's loft, which is literally on 6th Street, but first of all, I'm just not cool enough to go out there by myself. Second, I don't have a key and it's just too difficult to regain entry when my brother's not here. So here I am, crying during Six Feet Under and cuddling with Dylan the magical doggy.

I did get to hang out with my gay movie boyfriend, Joey. We went to see the Aristocrats at the Alamo Drafthouse, which is the coolest theater almost ever. The only thing I can possibly say about that movie is...there is something seriously, hideously wrong with Bob Saget.

I would also like to add...how the hell did I live here for a whole year without killing or seriously maiming someone? The sheer amount of people that live here is just...astounding. And they're all trying to go to the same place at the same time and the traffic is totally mind boggling. People need to stop moving here because there's going to be a problem. I have no patience for this kind of shit anymore and it's making a city that I once used to think was my soulmate into something that I don't even really enjoy visiting as much anymore. But maybe that's just the PMS talking.

But in other news, at least I'm not pregnant!

I stayed at a hotel last night. I went to bed around 11:30 (after watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which really disturbed me in many ways) and didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning. That's the lastest I've slept in at least 7 months and it was all very exciting. I do recall dreaming about seeing Scott somewhere while I was wearing the dominatrix outfit Angelina Jolie wore in the movie. Interesting.

I realize that, when compared to the shit many people in Texas' neighboring states are going through right now, my PMS-based woe is me tales are ridiculous. But yet, I still feel shitty, so here it is.

During Six Feet Under, at the very end when Claire dies, she looks at the picture she took of the boyfriend she had right before she left for New York, when she was in her twenties. She was 102 when she died, and she was still looking at that picture.

I realized that's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that when I get old and I look back, I'm going to see pictures of the guy at the moment and still regret fucking it up.

I know that Matt Two isn't perfect. I know that our "relationship" was still new and therefore should be relatively easy to get over. But, fuck, I miss him. I can't stop thinking about him. The way he smelled like smoke but in a good way. The kissing, the endless kissing where it felt like he was trying to steal my soul or something. I miss his beautiful eyes and how he towered over me and our millions of emails and just...everything. And it's so stupid because man, I've known him for 5 weeks and things were only good for 3 of those weeks. But when they were good...they were awesome.

He has his own issues, but I'm still questioning myself, what did I do? Did we get into the physical stuff too early? Did I misread the signs? Did I come off as too desperate? Why does he have to be this way? And why can't we just...be together? What's so hard about that, really?

I managed to hold off on contacting him in any way...until today. I was going to wait until Tuesday but I just couldn't. It was on my mind and it was something I needed to put out there in the universe. He hasn't replied yet, so it's just kinda hanging out, waiting in purgatory.

This just really threw me off, this whole thing. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I met someone who really understood what I was about and actually appreciated me for it. Instead, the first hint of bad times comes along and he runs away as fast as he can. Why? Why am I like this? Why is he like that? I wanted this one to last. I want him in my life, and I feel like I have no control over that, and it fucking tears me up.

I have more to say in the "woe is me" kind of way, but I'm getting annoyed with myself.

The music on this trip has tried in every possible way to get me to think about Matt One. I heard "It's Your Love" for the first time since the great "My Girlfriend Doesn't Want You In My Life" of 2005, and like...nothing. It didn't do anything. No anger or tears or anything, just...indifference. Which is pretty much the same way I've been feeling in regards to him for the past 3 or 4 months.

I was thinking about that the other day. How I can't even picture myself with Matt anymore. How I don't know or understand the person I was when all I could manage to do with my life was whatever he was doing. I don't remember how we were together, I don't remember him loving me or holding my hand or giving me orgasms or taking me to meet his mom...I don't remember any of that anymore. All I remember was that he was in my life, it ended, and now there's a 7 and a half year hole in my life that I'm not sure I learned from or not. It's pretty...unsettling.

We met on Labor Day 1997. 8 years ago. It's hard, so hard to believe.

God, I hate this entry, but I have to put it out there because this is where I am right now. I'm happy with so many things in my life, but I want someone. I want a boyfriend. I want someone to come home to after a long day at work. I want someone who won't freak out when I tell him how I feel about him. I want someone who's not going to run away when things get uncomfortable. What I want most is someone who will weather the storm with me, who will be there no matter what shit is thrown at us. I don't see why that's so fucking hard to find...so many people in my life already have that person. Why don't I? It's a question I ask myself a lot.

Okay, I'm done whining like a friggin baby, I just had to get it out there and hell, what's ever stopped me from doing that in the past? Me and Diaryland: 4 years of putting shit out there.

Good times.

Right now "Killing me Softly" is on the radio, and before that, "California Love" was on, which reminds me of Josh and Matt One, respectively. Blah.

Incidentally, a year ago is the first time I ever mentioned Mike, my bank boyfriend, in diary form. It's really hard to believe that I first started crushing on him a whole year ago. I don't miss the guy, but I do wonder what he's doing and if he's even thought about me once since the night he left my apartment after completely rejecting me. Hey, good times.

*****

1
"I'm kinda really tired of making every boy I meet into my next soul mate. Today it was Mike at the bank. Mike and I get to talking whenever I go to the bank, and he knows a little bit about my job situation, and we talk about how much life sucks, basically. Today he is my husband."

2
"I think that around 3 PM today, my mom was about ready to send me to the looney hospital. And I would have gone if she sent me."

3
"Speaking of amusing everyone, I seem to have become the dreaded Fat Funny Girl. The girl who has no self esteem so she has to make everyone laugh all the time instead. That's me!"

4
"I found him to be harsh about life in general, but he told the truth, and that's what I needed in my life."