Hurricanes and cookies

August 31, 2005

It's hard to be too upset about my pathetic love life when one of my favorite cities is under 20 feet of water. I hate, hate, hate that this hurricane shit is so destructive, and what sucks the most is that there's really nothing that can be done about it, it's just gonna do what it's gonna do. There's sooo many people who now have...nothing, and they just have to start completely from scratch. I just can't even fathom that.

I've been to New Orleans a million times and while I know it's hard to take that city down, that damn Katrina sure tried. But anyway...it just sucks to feel so powerless over something so devastating.

And man alive, gas prices are just...scary. I remember when gas prices went down to something ridiculous like 99 cents just a few years ago. I can't do as much exploring as I used to because damn, I can't afford that shit!

However, the gas prices are not going to keep me down this weekend as I have decided it's entirely necessary to go to Austin. I've had a few dreams about it and well...it just seems like a good idea. I need to see my brother and his good doggy and my girls and maybe Joey, my gay movie boyfriend. I need to get away from the suck that is my environment at the moment.

I guess it doesn't really suck that bad...I'm just bummed. I kinda gave myself a smackdown last night when I was thinking about it, and I came to many conclusions. Want me to share a few? I know you do.

a. There is no such thing as "The right place at the wrong time." Even if it was the wrong time, if the guy is really into you and he sees a future with you, he's going to do whatever it takes to be with you. Matt is going through some crap right now but if he really did see a future with us, he'd want to work through it with me. At least that's my selfish take on the situation.

b. I keep whining about "being rejected 4 times this year!" but when I really think about it, that's not entirely true.

So, the 4 boys: Matt One, Eric, Mike, Matt Two. I would say that really, only Mike and Matt Two count as anything.

As for Matt One, man, come on. We weren't even dating, it was over sooo long ago, and it really needed to happen anyway. All I lose there was that guilty feeling I got right after I left his house after having about 300 orgasms. The orgasms were good. Everything else was not.

Eric, well, I only went on one date with him. It looked good in the beginning and I got excited about dating a fellow writer. But then it turns out that he can't handle his shit, plus he was pretty much a raging alcoholic, so it didn't work out. No big deal. I never had it, so I couldn't lose it.

Mike...is another story. He counted. He was the first everything after Matt One. I fucked this one up in every way I possibly could, but he was there to help it along. I haven't talked to the guy in 5 months, and I can't say that I really miss him or anything, but he has a definite place in my life of stuff.

Matt Two counted. Very much. I lied when I said I've never connected with anyone in the way I did with him, because I have, with a certain gentlemen with the same name. It was such a long time ago and so much has happened since then, but in the beginning, Matt One and I really had something going. In a way, it's eerily similiar to my relationship with Matt Two. So that makes me think I should be grateful that Matt Two ended before we had too much of a history to let it go.

This was in his last email..."I guess what I am trying to now say is I don't think I can be with anyone right now, perhaps it'd be better if we called this off, even for just now.

Oh, man, I wish he hadn't said "even just for now," because of course my mind won't shut up, screaming, "JUST NOW! WAIT UNTIL LATER! HE'LL EMAIL OR CALL! HE HAS TO! YOU HAVE A FUTURE, DAMNIT!" But if there's one thing I've learned the hard one...when guys are done, they're just done. Period. Over with. And I don't think there's anything I can do.

And I'm worried about him because he doesn't seem to have an efficient way of dealing with bad stuff other than just closing himself off to the world. I don't understand that mindset and I wish I could help him somehow, just be there for him, just let him talk it out...but that's not how he is. That makes me really, really sad.

I was saving all our emails (and there's a shit ton of them) to one big Matt Two file, and the first ones were from Match.com, and I checked out his profile (I canceled my account and took my profile off last week in a fit of anger towards men in general) and I guess I have to say that it gave me a little satisfaction to see he hasn't been on in 5 days. Either he found himself a nice girl and he lied about everything else, or he's just really not looking for anyone at this point in his life. I don't know. I don't understand. I doubt I ever will.

So, with the demise of Matt Two, I must find something else to obsess about while I'm getting over that situation because that's who I am and what I'm all about. So, when there's no boys, it's my default obsession - my weight.

I went to the endocrinologist today and got my official summer weight loss total. Since the end of April, when my doctor prescribed Meridia, I've lost 16 pounds. And yeah, I'm happy about that! That's good! That's impressive! But...I want more.

So I would like to dedicate the rest of the year to changing my mindset so I can properly lose another 16 pounds without going to Freebirds 3 times a week. I want to change my mindset so that I can be happy with what I have and not discount it all because I don't have a man in my life. That's the major thing I have to come to peace with, honestly.

During the Amazing Race that I worked on yesterday, Christie said that Colin was "her rock" and that she wanted to do this race so she wouldn't disappoint him. I thought about that for some reason, and I thought...if I could be my own rock, if I could just come to depend on myself to make me completely happy, then I won't get so caught up in relationships and maybe they'll actually last more than a month because I have other things to focus on. Wouldn't that be nice?

So what I'm aiming for in the next 4 months is growth. Spiritual (I'm doing this church thing, I'll bore you with that later) and mental and all kinds of growth. I don't know if I'm up for it, but this has been a year of MAJOR changes, so I think I can get it done. Rah rah and all that.

But I can't promise that I wouldn't go bounding out the door the very second Matt Two might call and want to see me. I miss him. And I want to see him. And I want to make out with him.

At work, we're doing season 3 of Dallas for DVD. I'm sorry, but I love love love that show and it's important you know that. I probably wouldn't like it half as much if it didn't take place in Dallas, but it does, and I do! HAHAH!

If you want to see a very bad example of captioning, I suggest watching the Amazing Race on GSN tomorrow night. Yesterday, I did a whole 90 minute episode in 12 hours. I know you have no concept of how completly impossible that is, but I did it, with 15 minutes to spare. So, watch it, but don't expect perfection cuz I was going for quantity, not quality.

Tomorrow is my wittle boy Charlie's birthday! He's 6 years old now! Awww...my baby.

Um, that's about it. I'm baking cookies for a potluck tomorrow at work. My life can't get much more exciting than this.

*****

1
"It's like my ass is so big that gravity doesn't even apply to it anymore."

2
"He couldn't pump gas for me when I asked him because he didn't know how, but he found my G-Spot."

3
"But I was twisted into all kinds of strange positions and now I'm a little sore."

4
"What I noticed was how all the guys are starting to resemble Boy Bands. Like, in a hardcore way."