Let go!

April 13, 2006

Okay, so I was watching an episode of Northern Exposure last night, right? Which I tend to do when spending long periods of time with Josh.

So this episode is about Chris (the always hot John Corbett) meeting up with a girl he used to have a thing for in high school. When he sees her again, she doesn't match his expectations. Like, he used to think of her as almost some kind of goddess, right? And now she's just some regular chick with pimples and a face that doesn't look good without make-up.

So I'm going somewhere with this, and that is...it's time for me to move on from my old petty little issues. It's time for me to move on from the visions I used to have in my head of certain people, and accept the fact that they aren't who I thought they were when I was 15 years old.

Right now, of course, I'm talking about that which is Ryan. Now, we all know that I found him on Myspace a few months ago and got kind of excited. But nothing happened, and then Josh came along, so I actually un-friended him because I didn't need the drama. But I looked him up yesterday for shits and giggles and found out some interesting information...he's now married. And his wife? Is pregnant.

That kinda shook me up for a minute or two, but then it dawned on me...so what? I am in a happy relationship, an important relationship that I feel really will go somewhere. I love and respect Josh and it's not beneficial to ANYBODY to keep thinking that Ryan is in my life for a reason. He's not anymore. He wasn't meant to be. And it's time to come to terms with that fact and just let it be over. He is not my guardian angel anymore.

Another thought I had at first when I found out he got married..."But he's so young!" But he's really not. He's about to be 28 years old. My problem is that I keep picturing him as the 17 year old that I dated. He's a man now, and he has a family. That's cool. That's awesome. I don't want or need to be a part of that. He was a fantasy, and fantasies end.

Maybe something could have happened with us a few years ago when he made a brief reappearance in my life. But I was with Matt and I didn't feel right jeopardizing that. So really, it wasn't meant to be. It never was. And just because it felt like fate played a role in it...that doesn't mean that he was meant to be in my life forever.

And while we're on the subject, I wrote that email to Matt last month to get "closure" from him, and instead I got that email from his girlfriend. I think that was good. I think that ridiculous email that showed me what a crazy, weird little control freak she is let me let go of a lot of my anger and jealousy and weird feelings from that whole thing. Because seriously? They deserve each other. Anyone who honestly says "He bought a Chevy Impala. I'm so proud of him for making such a good choice!"...they belong together. Good luck to them.

And besides...it's Matt. We never really had a good relationship. It had its moments, of course, but there was a lot of crap to be dealt with at the same time. I'm getting to the point where that doesn't really make me mad anymore. It was what it was and there's nothing I can do to change that. Not to mention the fact that this month will be a YEAR since we last talked. A year. I had no idea, but I'm glad it happened. Seriously.

I'm just tired of keeping dead memories around. Matt and Ryan were both in my life for a reason and now that reason is over. It's Josh now. I really feel like we have a chance here. It's a real relationship with real emotions and heartfelt love. We have our bad moments but we always get through it together. I feel good about us and that means I have to let other things go. I'm good. I'm ready. I have been holding on to the Ryan thing for a long time, and for what? I didn't want to end up with the guy. I just liked having the memory of the guy that I fell for when I was 15. That's not cool.

So, yeah. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

Something important to note: I know I do some complaining about my job, but this week I feel I have reached the pinnacle of my career. Why? Because...wait for it...I got to work on Decline of Western Civilization Part Two: The Metal Years. I can't fucking tell you how happy this made me! I got to caption the wise words of Rikki Rachtman and Taime Down all day long and get paid for it!!! Wow, that was awesome. GOod times for me.

Josh and I are good. I've been spending a lot of time at his house and we've been having much sex, as usual. He is my pookie and I love him lots. And I know it's possible that he will read this entry and it will drive him crazy, but oh well, that's the risk I take by writing it and that's the risk he takes by reading it.

Good times!

*****

1
"I know someday, maybe even quite soon, he might find someone else. And I will be happy for him, because I want him to be happy. But I still hope that we will end up together."

2
"I know I've said this 100 times in this entry, but I don't know what to do. I'm stalling, I can't seem to make things right. I want to make people proud. I want to make myself proud. And I'm just not doing it right."