A very special episode of Lasvegasliz

April 17, 2006

I'm probably going to REALLY regret this entry later, but I want to confess something: I mean, who am I kidding? I am STILL so, so bitter about the whole Matt situation.

Now, please don't get me wrong...that doesn't mean I still love him, that doesn't mean I want him back, that doesn't mean I still have any kind of romantic feelings for him. It means I'm bitter. It means I'm not over it. It means that I HATE him, it means that if I ever saw him again in person I wouldn't be pleasant, and in fact would probably be Uber Bitch of the world to him.

I don't know... in a week or two it will be a whole year since we last talked. I have to admit, when he said he didn't want to talk to me because the Girlfriend didn't want him to, I seriously doubted that would last. We'd never gone a week without talking in almost 8 years, so why would we stop that now? But...it's been a year. And I'm still bitter.

And I have to wonder about the Girl. I wonder what's so special about her, why he picked her instead of me, why he could committ to her instead of me. She's lovely, I'm sure, but what was so wrong with me?

I like to browse people on myspace, random chicks that have fun blog entries that I can read and dissect. A lot of the time I'm seeing these 21 year old girls that are engaged and married and I'm jealous of them. I wanted to be a young bride. I wanted to marry my "high-school sweetheart." I know the marriage wouldn't have worked out. I KNOW this. But I didn't spend 7 years in a relationship with someone just to have them dump me when a nice girl with a psychology degree and tiny dogs came along. That hurts.

Like I said before, I don't remember how we were. I don't remember our fights or the nookie or how he talked to me or how I talked to him. I remember being together and wanting to marry him so bad I couldn't stand it. Why did I let myself stay in a relationship like that? He never respected me. For the first couple of years I still had to put up with him trying to boost his self-esteem by getting blown by any skank he could find, putting his giant 400 pound body in the way of any girl that would get on her knees. Occasionaly, I'd get to hear all about it. Why, why, why? Why did I do that to myself?

I have made strides to get over this. I know I'm better off without him. I love Josh and I love being in a relationship with Josh and I'm happy that I'm not with Matt so that I can be with Josh. But it still REALLY irritates me that I'm 26 years old now and I feel like I'm fucking 21, because I put off so many things when I was younger just so I could follow Matt around like a puppy dog. I realize it's my fault, I take responsibility for it. It just...sucks. It sucks a lot, and I'm not over it, and I want to be. But meanwhile, I hate him. I hate everything he stands for. I hate everything we ever did together because in the end it meant nothing to him. He can just pretend to wipe his slate clean and go live a domestic life with the new girl, the one that never had to go through anything I did with him. He can pretend he never loved me, never used me, never put me through a shit ton of crap just because he knew I'd take it. He can pretend, but I can't. I know what happened. And it makes me fucking crazy sometimes.

So that was fun, wasn't it?

I want pizza now.