Bitter much?

March 24, 2005

This entry will probably not be pretty, probably not humorous in the slightest, and overall.. pretty bitter.

Just so we're all warned.

So... 21 days.

3 weeks.

Almost a whole month since The Great Rejection of 2005.

And really.. I'm over him. I'm over Mike as a person. I don't want him back. At this point, I don't have too much interest in even being his friend anymore. Not that he's giving me that option.. he hasn't so much as sent me a text message or picked up the phone to see what's up in the past 3 weeks.

So.. I'm over him, but I'm not over the situation. I'm not over the fact that he looked me straight in the eye and said things that I was not prepared to hear. Then he made me look like the bad guy for not wanting to be his friend. He never apologized, he never called me back to see how I was doing.

What did he walk away with from this "relationship?" He walked away never having spent a penny on me. He walked away knowing that I was truly and deeply attracted to him. He walked away knowing that he probably could have gotten anything he wanted from me, because that's just the kind of girl I am.

What did I walk away from? I walked away with a very new and unsettling image of my body. I mean, I know not every man on the planet is attracted to me. I know that most of them aren't, even. I've been with Matt so long, who has been completely attracted to me ever since day 1, that it never occured to me that someone I was involved with wouldn't feel the same way!

Now I have a disturbing new awareness of how huge my ass is, how my stomach looks and feels like its carrying twins, how my pimples seem to be lining up and square dancing on my face, even how chubby my fingers seem to be lately.

I knew I was fat before, obviously, but I never had such an overwhelming hatred for my body. All because of a retarded conversation between me and a boy that sucks ass in a hardcore way.

For the record, I am trying to do something about it. I'm eating apples for breakfast instead of bagels at McDonalds. I'm drinking water instead of Dr. Pepper. I'm not binging on fundido at mexican food restaurants. I'm working out like a crazy person 3 or 4 times a week. But it's going so slowly and I hate that. And I know I'm STILL not eating the right stuff.. I mean, instead of Taco Cabana, I had a hot dog tonight. That's good, but it isn't healthy like a salad or like.. grapes would have been. I obviously still have a lot of work to do.

I'm going shopping tonight. At Lane Bryant. By the way, you know things are bad when the fucking chick who works at Lane Bryant asks you if you're pregnant. She should like.. be fired for that. She was so clueless that I almost felt sorry for her. But then I didn't.

The thing about this whole thing that makes me the most bitter is the bank. It's always there. It's less than a mile from where I live. It's like a damn beacon in the night sky, all lit up in green! Whenever I'm near it, I want to go in there just to freak him out. Since that would definitely be crossing a major psycho line, I won't be doing that.

But in general, I really don't see myself as bitter. I'm upset, and sad, and a little bit depressed and angry, but I've tried to leave the bitter monster in the past. I don't know. I suck.

Whatever. The whole thing still makes me a little sad. I'll get over it soon.. I have to, I can't spend more than the actual time we dated (a month and a half) getting over it. You know?

Anyway. Enough about that. Last night, the girls in my bible study and I watched The Passion. For the first half hour or so, I really wasn't into it. It's hard to be serious about the movie when I keep thinking how hot Jesus looks. You know me and the boys with long hair.

But then I did get into it, and I did cry a little, and I did look away when the violence got really ugly. When it was over, I actually went to B&N and bought "Christianity for Dummies." That movie did almost more for me to interest me in religion than 4 years of going to church. So, that's interesting.

At work, we're doing a steady stream of Sanford and Son and the Match Game. I really enjoy both of them, so I'm good.

I'm not getting a lot of feedback these days, but I think I'm doing okay. I'm at least doing better socially.. I'm participating in conversations and stuff. Somebody actually said I looked nice today! Aww.

That's about it. My life right now seems to be about working, working out, hanging out with my parents and various dogs, and that's about it. I never claimed it was exciting.

Oh, and I had about 15 orgasms on Tuesday night when I was asked to make an appearance at Matt's. What can I say? I'm easy and I'm cheap.

Rock on.

*****

a year ago..
"The past week hasn't been eventful, really. On Thursday night my roomate and I did some bonding by getting kinda drunk and watching the Apprentice. She called me a whore because I've never seen Grease (it looks like a stupid movie! What can I say?!)The girl gets a little beligerant when she's drunk! I told her that, and she's like, "Please, no big words right now."

2 years ago...
"But, it's official. Wanting someone to feel something for you that they just can't, or won't, is officially the worst feeling in the whole world. Maybe not as bad as being mauled by a lion, but pretty fucking bad."

3 years...
"But he's right. I was irresponsible. I am irresponsible. I never do anything unless I get something out of it. I really need to work on fixing that."