Poor Diaryland and getting rid of boys.

March 20, 2005

Aww, poor Diaryland. *pats it on the head*

After talking a bit to my roommate today, she had the sage advice of, "Maybe you should just give up on guys for a while."

Aside from wanting to kick her ass because she said it just a bit condescendingly (like, "I have a boyfriend so I know nothing of this, what you say? Problem with boys? What does that mean?), I know she's right and I just need to chill out for a while.

I mean.. after Mike hasn't called this week like he said he would, after I totally flirted the crap out of Church Boy today (man, I couldn't help it! That boy makes jeans look GOOD!), but he just wasn't even having it...

And.. after coming to the hard conclusion that as much as I still, even after EVERYTHING, even after KNOWING FOR SURE that I am over Matt, I still don't see a future without him. But I realize that even if I somehow manipulated my way into getting what I wanted with him, that wouldn't make him happy, and after all this.. I really do want him to be happy. Sadly enough, this is the first time I've ever really come to that conclusion. So.. that's good.

Anyway, my stupid point is that I really should just give up the boy crazyness for a bit. I REALLY need to focus on my diet. Ever since this Mike thing.. I want to pretend that what he said didn't effect me, that I have more self esteem than that, that I don't need a guy to validate my confidence in myself, but I guess that's wrong. I'm finally looking in the mirror and seeing what's really there, not the made-up version of myself that I have carefully trained myself to see.

So.. I need to lose weight. I need to stick to a diet. I need to get over the food thing. We'll see how it works, but you know. My biggest thing is.. it has never worked before, so why should it now? And I have SO MUCH weight to lose.. it's just overwhelming.

I seem to be a little more bummed than usual as of late and I figured out why. I spent SO VERY LONG on the whole job search thing that I really abandoned everything else. Now that I have the job, the fact that I don't have a boy in my life is starting to really get on my nerves. Where is he? Is he looking for me, too? Where the hell do I have go to find this guy?

I hate that the Mike thing ended so shittily, because it started out so awesome. That's why I wish on some level that he would call me back.. so that we can at least TRY to be friends and leave the past behind us. But.. seeing that he hasn't initiated contact in any sort of way in more than 2 weeks.. I guess I should kinda take that as a sign, eh?

Yeah.

Urm, I have more to say, but I'm way too distracted by this show I'm watching on A&E. It's called Intervention, and tonight it's about a chick who cuts herself. And.. yikes. This chick has some issues. There's blood everywhere, dude! Fascinating stuff.

*****

2 years ago..
"They fired me, but thats okay. I just don't have what it takes to be a secretary. Maybe they didn't like the fact that I was always online or playing games or whatever, but what the hell else am I supposed to do when they don't give me anything to work on?"

3 years ago..
"My brother and his boys are like an episode of the friggin Penis Monologues."