Cramps, and other disasters.

March 04, 2005

I wasn't going to update today, but I couldn't let the date pass without documenting it.. it's 03/04/05! I mean, how exciting is that? Very, people. Very.

First of all, thank all of you for all the lovely notes and messages you left me. It was a disappointment. I am finally admitting the fact, for the first time in many, many years, that I am more single than the most single person in the whole world. There is nobody. I can't say that there's a boy that I keep on layaway.. that being Matt.. because I can't keep depending on a boy to be there. I can't keep going back to him when I'm feeling lonely.

Here's a shocker.. today I seem to be having my period. Which means I unknowingly had PMS yesterday, which might explain the feelings of psychoness that came upon me and why I had Mike fleeing from my apartment as fast as he could at 9:30. Both times I've shown the unappealing psycho side of me, it's been because of PMS. I start thinking that maybe if I could learn to control myself, we wouldn't have a problem. But.. that's crap. The truth is, he's a fucker and he would have made me feel psycho, PMS or not.

There's so many things going in and out of my head tonight, and I've just wrote almost a whole entry but deleted it. But.. it's not worth it. Basically.. I feel so very stupid. I feel like I should have read the signs instead of actually paying attention to what was coming out of his mouth.

I don't understand him at all, and maybe I just wasn't meant to. He was attracted to me once upon a time, and then the sex, and then nothing. The way that makes me feel.. I just can't even describe it.

The only solace I can take right now is the fact that he wanted me to send him a text message today, and I didn't, nor do I plan to any time soon. I have nothing to say to him. This is very much unlike the last psycho incident, when I called him like 30 times in the next 3 or 4 days. If his plan was to get me to just fucking stop calling him, well.. it worked like a charm. At this point, I can only hope that my silence is louder than any words I could say. My plan right now is to basically never call or text him ever again in my life. Maybe it would just be best to let it fade away and disappear into the void, where all my other ex-boyfriends exist. I'll let you know how that works out. Mayb

Maybe I can be friends with him.. maybe I can forget about the attraction. Maybe the attraction thing only works when I know he feels it, too. Maybe I can do that, but then again, there's the whole thought of why I would want to be friends with someone who makes me feel so shitty about myself.

I feel like such an idiot. I actually bought condoms before he came over yesterday. They're in my drawer by the bed, just waiting for action. I don't know why I thought it was going to be so easy. I don't know why I figured it was just going to be that simple.

Well, at least I know now. Matt told me last night that my biggest problem is how I see everything in black or white, how I use the words "always, everything, never" way too much. Well.. that's true. And maybe I should work on that, but it's going to be hard because that's just who I am. That is how I've always seen things. And maybe.. maybe that's my downfall.

Whatever. I'm done. I am allowing myself to believe that it's truly over and there's nothing I can do. Obviously I have fantasies of trying to be friends and then acting like I don't give a shit, like I've never given a shit. But we all know me, and we all know I'm not the kind of girl that could handle a situation like that. At least I learned my lesson. At least I learned what NOT to do next time, and that's always good.

For more information, see my lovely rant that I wrote earlier. It'll warm your heart.

In other news, I pretty much love my job. I got in today at 7 AM, and I did not talk to a single human being until 1 PM. That was good for everyone, because damn if I didn't look like total shit today. I spent a great deal of time last night crying my fucking ass off, so that didn't really make me look so charming today.

I just drank my Dr. Pepper and captioned the Match Game, starring Richard Dawson, Joyce Builifant, Charles Nelson Reilly, Leslie Neilsen, Brett Somers (the hatred I have for this woman is unnatural), and Barbara Rhodes. If you're wondering, game shows are such a bitch to caption. But I'm glad the deaf people are getting their game show fix.

Captioning is really kind of like a puzzle, and I like that. It really fits my brain style, if you know what I mean. Plus, I can go 6 whole hours without talking to another human, including my boss. I like that. I like that more than I should, probably.

Anyway.. I'm okay tonight. I haven't cried all day, although I came mighty close. I might fire up some Jerry Maguire here in a bit, just because it's my comfort movie. I've done absolutely nothing today but work, come home, take a nap, and do nothing else. It's nice. Tomorrow I'm going to Austin where I'll surround myself with the things that I cultivated there to make myself feel at home, which is always nice.

I'll be okay. It wasn't a long romance or anything.. just barely a month and a half. And it's almost a relief... I started to have my doubts that he was really the right guy for me, anyway. And it was always so frustrating to wonder what he was thinking or feeling and why he wasn't calling me and why he was always misinterpreting my text messages.

It's okay.. I'll get over it. It just stings right now, you know? It hurts to be rejected in such a heartbreakingly awful way, with him standing in the hallway of my own apartment, the door wide open, ready to bolt, telling me that he just didn't want the same things I do.

Things would be a lot easier right now if I didn't have such vicious cramps.

*****

a year ago...
"There is a HUGE thunderstorm going on right now. It does a little something for me. I kinda wish I could go shack up with Matt and have wild monkey thunderstorm nookie. But, hark, one can't work and play at the same time. Unless you're a prostitute. And even then, you gotta really LOVE your job. Or something."

2 years...
"As per the rules and regulations set forth by myself for Hardcore March, I will not go into "woe is me" mode because that's just not hardcore. Let's just say that when the ex-boyfriend you've been setting your hopes too high for says there's a "20% chance" that you'll get back together, a set back might ensue."

3 years..
"So you see, I should know better. I should know that weeks prior to an essay exam based on books I've read, I should actually be reading these books. Did I do that? No. Do I study for crap and not take school seriously? Yes."