Casey Siezmasko wants you to read this.

March 21, 2006

This entry brought to you in part by Trying Reallly Hard Not To Caption the Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Although Casey Siezmasko is in this episode, so that at least makes it tolerable. But come on! Brisco County Jr.!

We just had a discussion about, when in a relationship, who pays for things and such. It was brought to attention that yes, indeed, I am currently in a relationship with someone who does not currently have employment, which means he does not always have currency to pay for items that we might want to enjoy.

The thing is, I don't really care much about that. At all. At least at this point in our lives. Actually, I rather enjoy buying stuff for him because it makes me feel good. Seriously. When boys, in the past, have bought me stuff (and there hasn't been many), I kinda felt guilty about it. So I enjoy making the cash and spending it on the boy I love. He has made the joke that he's the house husband, and hey, that's cool with me. He cooks and cleans, I buy the groceries and sit around and watch TV while he does the work. Right now, that's working for me.

Now, eventually, if we want to move in together, or, you know, have kids and everything, I would like for him to have some kind of gainful employment, sure. But right now this is working out for us. I can see him whenever I want and we have a good time and nobody worries about much. I know he knows that he has to get a job eventually, but I haven't brought it up because it hasn't mattered yet. I mean, crap, we've only been together 3 friggin months. Let's at least wait a while before I start the whole, "Hey, so, that job thing?" conversation.

And really, I am never destined to have a normal relationship and I gave up on trying to have one a long time ago. So what if he's the house husband and I'm the one who works? It's not my ideal situation for the future but I love the guy, and what he doesn't provide monetarily he provides in droves in other ways. Like, as much sex as one could possibly stand, like cleaning and cooking and fixing things and all that kind of stuff. It's cool, man. It works. At least for now.

In other news, we're going to a Mavericks game tonight. The fun thing about that is, in "Jennifer"'s email, she said that she and Matt go to games frequently. I just...really don't want to see them there. Not for my benefit, I really couldn't care less at this point. I just worry about what Josh would do if we encounter them at this point. I don't think it would be pretty, really.

Anyway. Other things of non-interest:
- Josh is totally into Northern Exposure, and after watching a couple of episodes, I have been sucked in. I am rooting for Joel and Maggie. I know that's uncool of me, but I just want them to find love! With each other! Come on!

- It's time once again that I really get at the whole losing weight thing. Yeah, I know, we've heard it just about 3,456 times in the last 5 years, but it's that time of year where summer is approaching and I just need to do it. I want to wear sleeveless shirts, damnit!

I'm just so blah about it...I know from experience now that it'll just take 3 weeks or so before things really start to happen with the losing weight and gaining muscles and stuff, but it's just starting the whole thing that's the problem. I worked out last night but I was almost defeated before I started because it's the first time in almost months I've really had a hard workout, so what good is that going to do? Patience is a good thing, I know. I just hate starting these things.

You know, if I just shut up and lost the damn weight I wouldn't have to obsess about it every second of the day anymore. You'd think that would be a bonus.

- Um, I can't think of anything else. I've been seeing Josh a lot lately and therefore having generous amounts of sex. Seriously, people, there is lots of sex involved. Usually at least twice a day. And if we see each other 4 or 5 times a week...well, sometimes I just need a break. Can you blame a girl? But it's still good. I still want it. All the time. Good times for us.

And I am still finding Josh to be outrageously and unbelivably sexy. It's nice to feel that way about someone I'm actually in a relationship with, for once.

This is from 2 years ago...
"I decided that it had been a long time since I weirdly and obsessively drove by Josh's house.

The thing is, Josh and I went out for 8 months almost 7 years ago. Why do I still freak the fuck out about this person? Why does he still have this weird pull on me? I don't understand that.

I mean, we didn't even have a good relationship at the time! It was all about sex! Sex sex sex, all the time, whenever we could possibly find a place. In the car, in bathrooms, in movie theaters, in parking lots.. just sex, all the time, everywhere. We didn't have a real relationship!

So it's not like I miss him, or want him back, or pine for him. I do sometimes wonder how many people he's gotten pregnant and how many times he's been arrested since I haven't talked to him in 4 years, but I don't even like him! He's not a good person, and I have no urge to ever have him in my life again. So why am I torturing myself by doing things I know will remind me of him?

So weird."

Heh. Things kinda go in cycles, don't they? History repeats itself and all that? Yeah.

That is all.

*****
1
"And.. after coming to the hard conclusion that as much as I still, even after EVERYTHING, even after KNOWING FOR SURE that I am over Matt, I still don't see a future without him. But I realize that even if I somehow manipulated my way into getting what I wanted with him, that wouldn't make him happy, and after all this.. I really do want him to be happy."

3
"Ideally I want to marry Matt, we all know that. But maybe I'm just kidding myself waiting around for him. Maybe it's not possible to fall in love and stay happily married to someone who fit your ideals when you were barely 18 years old."

4
"I have been eating so very much lately. I don't know what's gotten into me! (Well, besides food.) I mean.. McDonalds, Sonic, Taco Cabana.. they better watch out, because I'm coming! Every day, it's "Tomorrow will be better. Soon I will be thin and beautiful and everything will be fine." No. Everything will not be fine."