I'm tired of coming up with names for entries.

March 16, 2006

I think being in love has made me stupid. Of course, you can always make the argument that I was a few cards short of a deck before being crazy in love, but shut up. It's kind of disturbing right now, actually.

Like, I went to the mall on Tuesday and bought some lovely clothing at Lane Bryant, right? So I get out in the parking lot and I look for my car for a good 15 minutes. I start to panic. Where the hell is my car? Did somebody really steal my car in broad daylight?

So I call my mom, squeeze out a few tears, and she's all, "Dude, are you in the right parking lot? JUST CALM DOWN, DUMBASS!" Even though she said it in a nicer way. So I look very closely at my surroundings and realize that no, I am not in the right parking lot. I go back in, find the right one, and hey! My car magically appears! How about that!

Then, last night, I put some clothes in the dryer and try to turn it on. It won't turn on! My washer wouldn't work for various reasons last week, so I just figured my dryer was going to crap out, too. Then I realized that I hadn't closed the dryer and therefore it just wasn't going to turn on.

So is this what it's come to? I'm just going to lose my mind while I keep falling deeper and deeper in love? That's exciting. Wait to see what happens next in Dumbo Liz Land! Wheee! It's always an adventure!

I didn't think it was possible to, in fact, fall deeper in love, but it's happening, man. Like...as of late, I'm doing stuff with Josh that I seriously have never done with anybody and it's not because I like...necessarily have had intentions of doing it, but because I love him so much that I want to participate in it because it brings us closer or something equally retarded sounding. I mean, we're not going out and having satanic rituals or anything, I know that's what I made it sound like. Let's just say it involves my digital camera and once it involved a recording device of some kind. Yeah. We're dirrtyy and it's fucking awesome.

I've always been a fan of the physical part of relationships but with Josh it's like taking it to a whole new level. I love it. I love having sex with him. I love touching him, I love when he touches me. And I can't ever get enough of the kissing. When we are kissing, it's my absolute favorite thing ever in the world.

Okay, yeah, TMI. But you will deal with it and you will like it!

But seriously, I do think that I let a lot of things slide that I wouldn't let slide if I wasn't in a relationship. Something I noticed when Matt and I would go on roadtrips...I would put my brain on autopilot. I mean, I'd be the one driving so I had to be aware, but I never looked up directions or anything to do once we got there because I knew he'd take care of that. That is something I do in relationships...I let him worry about stuff that I should be worrying about and then things get neglected. I need to do something about that. Really. Probably. Soon. Or something.

I have this pimple on my face that is seriously ruining my life. I just want it to die a horribly violent death.

Work. Hmmpph. There are things that I am not happy about, but I will do as I have always done and just keep doing my work as fast as I can. I did a few Nip/Tuck's yesterday and right now all I want to do is watch the season 3 finale. I am fascinated by the carver. I know it's Quentin, but how? HE DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS. Man, that show is crazy fucking shit.

So, I've been doing some searches for this diary and I've come up with amusing things. Like, when I search for "Axl Liz" on google, my myspace page is the very first result. Is it wrong that that makes me happy?

Other searches I'm doing to waste my employer's time to see where I rank in google land:

"Liz Matt Diaryland" - Number one, baby!
"Josh Liz Diaryland" - Number one as well. It's nice to see they get equal billing.

Okay, now I'm bored. I just REALLY want to know what "Jennifer" searched for on google when she "came across" my diary. I am fascinated and I need to know immediately.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm bored and restless and I miss my boyfriend today as I haven't seen him in about 27 hours now and that's just way too long.

Rock out with your...you know the rest.

*****

Here's something that I wrote a year ago that's a little strange, seeing that, at the time, I was on the verge of being replaced very soon...

"Man, at this point, I couldn't care less what I'm "supposed" to do. All I know is that Matt, throughout the seven and a half years I've known him, has always made me feel beautiful, worthy, and desired. I needed that tonight. And more than that.. the fact that he KNEW that I needed that. He KNEW my needs, he had practically anticpated them before I even asked. And.. it was nice. I enjoyed spending a few hours with him. I enjoyed the nookie. I enjoyed the closeness that still exists in some capacity between us. And yeah.. we might be using each other, but at least we both know that. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I know there really isn't a future for us. You guys, I KNOW that. But like I said.. I NEEDED to go over tonight. I needed the countless orgasms he gave me, I needed the dinner he paid for, I needed the connection that we've had, that we've ALWAYS had. I NEEDED to know that there is someone out there who, no matter what, who will always be there for me when I need him.