Many different things for you to see with your eyes.

February 01, 2005

It's about as cold as ass in here today. I'm just sayin.

So I just spent the time I would normally use to obsess over Monster and Hotjobs making a list of all the interviews I've been on in the last year. So far the count is 27, and that's all I can think of right now. For some reason I thought it would be a lot more than that, but still, 27 is a lot of interviews. That's not even counting all the interviews I had in Austin. Let's not even go there.

Please do expect one of those annoying contemplative/celebratory entries later in the week, probably on Friday. Because, guess what? I've been looking for a job for 2 years, and now I have one, and all is right in the world.

Okay then.

There's a lot I want to say today about certain situations in my life, and it's probably going to come out all wrong and not in the way I intended, but listen to me anyway! It's important!

To start, I will tell you about church on Sunday. As soon as I got to my Sunday school class, I sought out Church Boy and assaulted him with my job-ness. For some reason, I just knew he would appreciate it more than others, and he totally did. This was apparent during our discussion on prayer during the course of the class. Among other things, we were talking about how sometimes we feel that we're not really praying, we're just kinda asking for things we want, and is there a difference?

And for some reason.. Church Boy kept bringing my job situation up. And it wasn't once, it was more like 3 different times for 3 different situations. He was VERY passionate about it, like, "Well, I know how bad Elizabeth wanted this job (because I talked about it incessantly when we were in the small group together) and she went on the interviews and she was so disappointed that she didn't get it, but time went by and now she got it, and maybe that's the power of prayer!" Or something like that. Then, later, another guy was talking about how prayer can even be selfish in a way, and then AGAIN Church Boy says something like, "Well, look at Elizabeth's situation! She has a job she really wanted, and she's even going to be helping people in need in the process, so it's not totally selfish because she's doing good for people in need!" (Because, like, closed captioning is good for hearing impaired people!)

Seriously? It was almost embarrasing as to how passionate he was about my job. I asked New Friend Bonnie later, "Did you see how adament Church Boy was about my new job?!" And she was all, "Yeah dude! He was totally defending you!"

It was just really odd. I even started to wonder what the other people in the class thought about all this passionate embrace between me and him.

And to make things even more interesting, before this whole thing started, New Friend Bonnie yelled at me, from across the room, when Church Boy and I were conversing, "So, DID YOU GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH THAT GUY?!" And Church Boy just kinda smiled and giggled a little when I told her that we had gone on a couple of other dates, but it wasn't looking good right now.

I didn't know whether I wanted to kill her or hug her for that, though. So now not only does Church Boy know I'm dating other people, but he still feels the passionate need to defend me in my new job.

It was just.. weird. Kinda funny and cute in a way. I don't know if he's like that with all his friends or it's just me. If it is just me, damnit boy! CALL ME!

Now, as for Mike? I have no idea. On Sunday I called him to apologize for being such a psycho. I said that if he can get past that, than I can do the casual dating thing, that's fine with me. I mumbled a few other words of apology and thanked him for his honesty and crap, and then said, "So, do you have an opinion on the subject?" And he was all, "Not really.. I've been busy today and haven't really thought about it." Just what every girl wants to hear, right?

So I thought he wasn't going to call me for days, but he did call on Sunday night to tell me about a car (or something, I really don't know) he saw on Desperate Housewives. I took that as a good sign.

I also saw him yesterday at the bank. We had a conversation much like every single conversation we've ever had at this banking institution, and it was comfortable and fine, but it wasn't anything to write home about, and there wasn't any flirtaciousness at all. I kinda wanted to jump up and down and say "Hey, remember me? The chick you saw naked about 4 days ago?" But I contained myself. He didn't call last night.

The thing is, even if he can't get past the psycho thing, I take comfort in the fact that he had a definite role and a reason for being in my life. If you really want to know the sad truth, this is how I look at it:

We all know that I've had trouble with two basic things in my life: getting over Matt and getting a new job. It seemed like I needed to accomplish one to get the other, but that just wasn't happening. Now, this is a little retarded, but bear with me. I feel like I didn't get the job when I interviewed for it back in October because I just wasn't ready to have it. I wasn't ready because Mike and I still had yet to exchange numbers, and in the whole scheme of my life, it was very important that the number exchange took place. As soon as it did a few weeks ago (actually, 3 weeks exactly), things could finally start happening the way they were meant to. I finally realized that I was over Matt because there was another boy in this world who could like and appreciate and take advantage of everything that I think myself to be. As soon as that happened, I could finally let myself admit that I'm over Matt, and we finally had that closure conversation, and the next day I got a job!

I know in hindsight it all seems to easy, but you can't see that until it actually happens. Mike definitely has a role in the history of my life, and I don't know if it'll be a feature role or just a cameo, but it'll be okay, because he proved his purpose.

Does that make sense? AT ALL? It does to me, anyway.

But even while that's all well and good and fine, I still find myself drifting back to the physical part. When I'm bored or even when I'm just driving around or just about any second of the day.. I start thinking about That Kiss and the touching and the moving to the bed and how he fumbled with my bra for a while before getting it off and the opening of the condom wrapper and feeling of total lust and animalistic passion of the sex and the feeling of having him on top of me and how I instantly wanted more.. I keep thinking about it, and I want it again as soon as possible, but I don't know if it'll happen again, at least with him.

And that sucks, because seriously? There's only one person in this world that I've ever been so attracted to in my life, and that was Ryan. And he doesn't even count because sometimes when I think about him, he's almost a surreal figure that might not have even existed at all except in a very remote place in my mind. There's chemistry with us, and I would be really mad at myself if I fucked it up just because I let my hormones get to me.

It's also important to note that Matt keeps trying to get me to come over and.. pleasure him. Even after we had the closure conversation. I would maybe even think it was cute if I didn't know he was trying to mindfuck me into oblivion. Whatever.

In completely different news, yesterday was the first day at this job where I stayed late because I was actually busy. It will probably be the last time, but it was nice to feel that I was almost actually being productive. Too bad my last day is Friday! I'm a little sad about that.. I have to say goodbye to all my property management boyfriends, to surfing the internet all day long, to taking off in the middle of the day to run all our countless errands, to not being fired because who will fire the boss's daughter? You know, that stuff. Plus I really dig the people who work here. But, I am moving on, and that is good.

And my roommate and I will probably still continue to be Bert and Ernie until November, because we're probably both going to renew the least in May another 6 months, just for money saving purposes, really. So yay for that.

This is a very long entry. I do realize this. And I will be shutting up now.

Rock out with your cock out.

*****
a year ago...
"In completely different news, Matt and I actually went on a proper date last night! We went to a nice restaurant and had dinner, we had some ice cream at Dairy Queen, and then we saw Big Fish at the movie theater. We even held hands during the movie! Awww. Of course, we had relations before having dinner. If it were really a proper date, I guess relations would be had AFTER such things."

2 years..
"I sit here and give him advice even though it kills me to hear what he's saying.. he said he had to go to her house and comfort her while she's saying stuff like she doesn't deserve him.. it kills me to envision him holding her and assuring her that she does deserve him and that he loves her and wants her to get better.. that drives me crazy. And it drives me even crazier because I sit here and tell him not to give up on her right now.. I know that's the right thing to say, but it hurts me to say it because I love him and want him all to myself and if I could just say "Damnit! Dump the crazy bitch!" that would really be nice right now."

3 years..
"I know I'm pissing off my editor. I know next semester, I'll be a horror story he tells the next writer. "There was this girl who never wanted to work weekends because her boyfriend locked her in the basement, and she was always crying because she couldn't do anything right, and she kinda sucked as a writer, too." I don't want that. I want him to think I'm a totally competent writer that can keep my shit together when it gets tough."