Theories and shit.

September 07, 2005

In an effort to talk about something other than the obvious, I would now like to talk about work. Yay, work!

About a month ago, we had a meeting and my boss told us that basically, we really need to start being more productive. Measures were put in place and fires were lit under various asses, and I've been finding myself being more productive than I ever thought I could be. It's really quite impressive, actually.

Tomorrow is my 7 month anniversary at this particular job. I know, I find it hard to believe, too. But with these 7 months comes the knowledge that they need me. I know they need me. I'm fast and for the most part I'm accurate, plus I'm willing to do almost as much overtime as possible. I'm pretty quiet except when I need to not be, and I get it done. I am needed. I am wanted. I am a benefit to the company. I am a contributing member of society.

For 2 years when I was going through my "WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME!" ordeal, that's all I wanted...I just wanted to help, to know that I was needed, to benefit the company. That wasn't happening when I worked for my dad. They didn't really need me at all, except for maybe some juicy and sordid family details that I was always willing to share.

So, my point is, I am happy about that. I feel like I've finally found a little place for myself in this world. I never imagined myself doing closed captioning, but it's nearly the perfect job for me. It doesn't involve a phone in any kind of way. It doesn't involve customers. It doesn't involve sales. I can just sit at my computer, bang out an Amazing Race or a Match Game, and everyone is happy. That's my kind of job.

This all kinda fits into a new theory I have. I had to sweat and suffer and cry and tear my hear out in order to come to this point. I had to pay my dues, man. I had to figure out what I was doing wrong in order to then learn how to do it right. I love the movie Groundhog Day because I can totally relate - Bill Murray has to do it wrong a million times before he can finally go to the next day. That is how I'm feeling right now about my boy situation.

I have so many things to work on right now that boys just aren't even a factor. I want a boyfriend. I want someone almost exactly like how Matt Two was in the beginning...someone who wants to hang out often, and it doesn't matter what we do, it just matters that we're together when we're doing it. I want someone I can have explosive make-out sessions with. I want someone who loves me and wants to share their life with me. But you know what? That's not in the cards right now. And you know why? Because I don't know how to make it be in the cards. I don't know how to maintain a relationship so that it lasts longer than a month, and I seriously need to work on that.

So, as I was explaining to the wonderfully wonderful Ali-Kat today, boys are just a bonus right now. I don't NEED a boyfriend. I don't NEED to get married and I don't NEED to have kids right away. I have to do better at my job. I have to figure out what I want spiritually. I have to get a better grasp on my financial situation. I have to lose more weight and have more confidence and feel better about myself so that when the next guy comes along, I won't blow it by getting totally caught up in the whirlwind that is the beginning of a relationship.

I won't get so excited that someone, ANYONE, actually likes me and wants to spend time with me that I get completely attached and send them running all the way to fucking Phoenix. Not that I'm bitter.

This year has been absolutely amazing for so many things. I finally allowed myself to look past that which is Matt One and actually start dating again. But it's just not the right time right now, and I have to accept that, and for the most part, I do. But if Church Boy or Matt Two or some hot guy with a tattoo wants to spend a little time with me, I can't promise you that this stance I am taking will last any longer that 12 seconds.

In "I'm Going to State the Obvious Now", I miss Matt Two. I guess it's getting easier, but I still hope and hope and wish and wish that there will be some kind of resurgence. This time, I don't think there will be. I actually think I've heard the last of him, and I'm just going to leave him alone for a while. As hard as that is, and as completely fucking crappy as that is, it has to happen and I respect that. He's apparently at a crossroads in his life and I respect that, as well. I had my crossroads and I spent a year in Austin when I came to it. It's just his time to figure out what he wants, and if Phoenix is the way to do it...well, I'm just going to miss him.

At least this way I can't blame it totally on myself. At least this way I can totally romanticize it and whenever I hear something about Arizona or the Grand Canyon or something, I can sigh and think about The One That Got Away. If I really stretch it, I can turn us into Romeo and Juliet. We were star-crossed lovers, don't you see?

I don't regret having him in my life. It was something I've never experienced before and while I hope I never get that happy only to get so angry and frustrated and then heartbroken so soon again...it was worth it. I truly believe that it was 100% worth it just to know that there's someone out there I could experience that kind of whirlwind romance with. I'm gonna miss that bastard. *sigh*

Wow, I'm a talkative bitch today.

I keep meaning to tell you about my upcoming church leadership role, but I have run out of patience and room, so that will be for another day. But I will tell you that I had to sit in a room at church tonight and call 23 people to try to recruit them into this program I'm doing. I hated every single fucking second of those phone calls. I'd rather stick a rusty spoon in my eyeball than sit there and call people during dinner to try to recruit them into doing something they probably don't give a shit about. I am so glad my job involves no phone usage whatsoever. If you want something, you email. That's my kind of company.

Did anybody catch Oprah the last 2 days? Just...damn. We've all seen this hurricane stuff for a week now, but she really gets to the heart of it and shows what's really going on. It's crazy. It didn't actually hit home with me until they showed a guy who wouldn't get on the bus to get out of town, because if he did, he'd have to leave his dog behind and he just couldn't do that. I get goosebumps just thinking about that.

The thought just occured to me that I have been out of high school for 7 and a half years. I graduated from college 3 years ago. Oh my god! When did I get so fucking old?!

Okay, seriously, no more talking from me. I am done now. Really. I swear.

*****
4 years ago...

"I've never really been the social type, but especially not in college. They've had some barbecues at my dorm this year that I didn't go to because I don't make friends that way. There's lots of events that I just don't go to because I'm afraid to talk to people. I know someday I'm going to look back on college and think that I totally wasted my time. I hate that. I don't know what to do about it. To be honest, I really feel like a failure right now. I'm 60 pounds overweight and I can't seem to stop eating and I can't even get my ass up to work out. It's so frustrating to know that I could be doing something about it, yet I don't.

Yesterday I literally sat in class and looked at all the females, and in my mind I was saying, "I'm fatter than her, I'm fatter than her, I'm fatter than her, she's a little fatter than me, oh wow, I'll never ever look like that, blah blah blah."