Forgettable, Britny Fox, and sweating.

September 18, 2005

Hello, few remaining readers of mine. I am coming to you fresh from the gym, all sweaty and glistening like a grecian goddess...or not.

I do love me some working out. If not for the working out, I'd probably be a big blob of mush because of my horrible diet. I did do well today. I ate lots of fruit! It was very exciting.

Right now, I am watching Metal Mania on VH1 Classic 'cause that's just what I do. They are now playing Britny Fox's "Long Way to Love." Yeah, I don't know either.

In other more relevant news, I want to talk about boys. OMG! I never do that. How strange for me.

Whenever I start to get into my shame spiral of depressing boy-ness, the question that I always get back to at one point or another is...how am I so completely forgetable that they can date me for a nice period of time, we can talk every single day, we can share every piece of life history, and then they disappear forever without a single inkling of talking to me again? How can they do that? That is something I'm never going to understand, and I wonder if that's just something boys DO, it's just something that runs in their blood...or if it's me.

I mean, I think I'm a lovely person when you get to know me. I may have some extra padding here and there, but I'm cute and I'm kinda sexy when I feel like it, and I have a good sense of humor and I'm a good kisser and I can cook and I can do the boy stuff while still being good at the girly stuff. I feel that I have a lot to offer. So why am I not being given that chance? What part of my personality makes them run as far away as they can go, like to Phoenix for instance?

It's probably the self esteem talking, but what makes me so utterly forgettable? I have to wonder if they even think about me anymore in those big testosterone filled brains of theirs. Do they at least think of me when they hear Guns N Roses on the radio? Or when they see, even accidently, captioning on TV somewhere? And if they're thinking about me, why don't I get to know about it?

Is this the most pointless thing to wonder about or what? I just...don't get it. I don't understand the girls who are friends with their exes, because I have never, never been given that chance.

Like, with Mike...when I wasn't trying to practically rape him, we had a pretty good time together just being friendly. We liked the same music and made each other laugh and stuff like that, and it would have been nice if we could have maintained a relationship. He even claimed he wanted a friendship, but he never called me EVER AGAIN!

With Eric, sure, we went on ONE date, but why does that mean we can't be friends? I would love to have him as a friend, my one and only writer friend. I loved reading his stuff and we could do fun writer-y stuff together. But again, he fell off the face of the earth and I never hear from him.

And Matt Two...we had a good relationship for the brief period that it lasted, but I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. Why? Why is he like that? Why does he have to completely blow me off like that? Do I have some kind of role here? Do I need to call or write an email that says "Hey, I know we aren't going to end up together, but I'd love it if we could still communicate because I still care about you!" Would he even give a shit?

And of course, there's Matt One. We talk almost every damn day for a million years, and then...nothing for the past, what, 5 months? I know it seems like I'm over it, I know it seems like it doesn't bother me, but...it does. It really and truly does. For someone who knew me so intimately, for someone who once thought he was going to marry me, for someone I shared every single detail and event and anything else in my life for a record number of years to just simply be able to never talk to me again just because his new little girlfriend told him not to...that bothers me in a very significant way.

So what is it about me? Do I just give the vibe of being so desperate that I just won't settle for being friends? That's why I'm not allowing myself to actively pursue anybody right now, because that's one question I really need to figure out. I'm not doing something right, and it's really taking a toll on me. I just don't get it. I don't understand how I'm so fucking...disposable.

Grar.

Oh, and yesterday I spent pretty much all day at church. First there was the Church Boy interactions. It was, of course, disappointing, because on Friday we had that Infamous Vibe going, but yesterday...nothing. I can't figure this guy out at all and that's probably a big reason why this crush has never faded away like it should have.

Sadly enough, I was kinda hoping that at some point yesterday he would ask the important question, "So, are you dating anyone right now?" We even had a couple of minutes by ourselves when we walked to the service together, but...no. Just fun small talk about me being a small group leader and what Name Game I was going to play that night. (I decided to go with the lame but effective Two Truths and a Lie, if you were wondering) When I sat next to him during the service, I mentally recorded in my head every time his shoulder would touch mine and he wouldn't immediately move away. Oh, wow, do I want me some Church Boy. It was hard to stop myself from just wanting to touch him non-stop, but somehow I managed not to.

I feel very strongly about this boy. I feel that, while he is rather flirty with all the girls and he's just a charming guy in general, I do happen to feel we have some kind of special bond. I also happen to feel that he thinks we do too, but there is something holding him back. It could be the weight issue, it could be that he's probably never dated anyone like me before, it's probably a lot of things, and now it's just a matter of him just going for it.

The small group last night...is a different story. I'll spare you most of the details because this entry is already 120 pages long, but I will say this...I had to go to the bathroom right before our little class started, so when I walked in the room and everyone was already there, they were all staring at me, like "Well?" It was so weird to have a room full of people waiting for ME to get there to tell THEM what to do. Role reversals are fun.

I had the night planned differently in my head and was basically really disappointed in the outcome. I guess when it comes down to it I was just really spoiled by the small group I was in last year, specifically because Church Boy was the leader and he makes everything he does look like the easiest thing ever attempted. *sigh*

In other, more happy news...I watched Oprah today and ohmygod, she got herself 3 golden retreiver puppies! SO CUTE! Jennifer Aniston...I would like to believe that she's as at peace with herself as she made everyone thinks she is, but come on...your ex-husband is making a family with Angelina Jolie and it's being covered everyday by every media outlet. I would find "being at peace with myself" a challenge in that instance.

Although she really endeared herself to me when she said she has a photo album filled with pictures of sunsets. I do that...I take pictures of sunsets all the time. I'm fascinated. It's a sickness sometimes.

I guess I've run my mouth more than enough at this time, so as Winger plays "Seventeen," I will go ahead and shut the fuck up.

****

1
"Austin is the soulmate that I love too much to really be with, because it's just too intense. Dallas is the more sensible husband, the one that makes soup for you when you're sick."

2
"If I do get a job at some point in my life, I'm sure going to miss this life of leisure I seem to be allowing myself to have. Wake up when I want, go look for a job for a few hours, come home, take a nap, maybe go see a movie.. everyday is Saturday!"

3
"I realized today that I am soooo far behind. I should have done 2 internships by now. I should have a job lined up by now. I should be way more advanced in life than I am, and it's just a really unpleasant feeling. I am sooo friggin lazy, it's just really stupid.

4
"I can't stop eating. I eat all the time, and it's all bad. I don't take care of myself. I'm disgusting."