All my life I've been searching for something

June 12, 2005

Hey, let's talk about Matt! Yay!

I am watching Two Weeks Notice right now and the pretty crappy song by the Counting Crows about paving paradise and putting in a parking lot... I had to actually mute the TV so I didn't have to endure listening to it.

On our road trip to Vegas in 2003, he confessed that he thought the lyrics, even though the song was played obnoxiously often on the radio, said "We paved paradise and put up a fucking lot."

It's just the little things like that. I guess since I haven't worked today and I've really had nothing to do but clean my bathroom and kitchen (a big accomplishment, actually, seeing that I did that about once every 6 months at my old apartment)... my thoughts turn to him. As they often do when I've run out of all the normal things to obsess about.

I mean... 2 months. He hasn't tried to contact me AT ALL in 2 months. What is that? Does he even think about me anymore? Does he have to turn the radio off when Guns N Roses comes on, or does he keep going about his day without noticing at all?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know, without a doubt, that this is the best thing for me. Sometimes when I get to torturing myself about these things, I start thinking about Her and how crappy it is that she won't even "let" me be friends with him. I mean, why do I have to pay for something HE did? Why do I have to lose a friendship with someone who has been an integral part of my life for a really long time just because she gets a little jealous about that kind of thing?

But then cooler heads prevail and I get over it. Do I REALLY want to be friends with him right now? No. I can't. I just... can't. In the 2 months we haven't talked, I've lost 15 pounds, gotten a promotion at my job, got an awesome apartment in a good location with a free washer and dryer, and have generally been quite productive with lots of things.

I do wonder if we're ever going to talk again. And if we do, is it going to be horribly awkward? Would it even really be worth it? Will it be like the situation with Claire, where we were the bestest friends ever but then there was a huge blow out, and when we tried to be friends after that, it just wasn't the same?

It's just so weird to me, to go from talking every single day to never talking about, without a single word of apology or explanation, other than "She doesn't want me to talk to you." The Matthew I know wouldn't let that happen. So, therefore.. I don't know him, I guess. He's no longer, and probably never will be again, the person I fell in love with.

I am happy right now, I really am. Things are going well and I know they'll keep getting better. But there will always be a little empty space that only he can fill. I know that's lame, but he was a big part of who I am today, and I can't and don't want to deny that.

And, full disclosure.. this might be on my mind a little more at this current time because on tomorrow's date 2 years ago is when he called me at 3 in the morning and said his girlfriend dumped him. I know that's not going to happen again, and more than that, I don't want it to. But for a month or two, everything was just right. It seemed like things were happening again, even though he STILL wouldn't commit to anything.

Anyway, that's my Matt rant. And I do have to say, it kinda hurts my brain to think that BOTH times I've had sex this year, the guys stopped talking to me the second it was over. I mean, really? Am I THAT horrible in bed? This might be something to look into.

In other brief boy news:
- We have definite gay confirmation on Possibly Gay Supervisor. His boyfriend's name is Donald.

- I saw me some Farm Guy yesterday, and thankfully he didn't stir up any special feelings inside me.

- I got to sleep with my Charlie last night. Charlie just makes me so unbelievably happy, it's silly. It's just silly! My favorite time ever is when we both wake up in the morning and he comes over and snuggles with me. He's done that since he was a baby puppy, and that just makes me happier than a boy really should.

I think that is all for now. I'm looking forward to another week of work work work, all the time. Hopefully I can do 10 or 15 hours of overtime again this week. Also, I get paid on Tuesday, and I am looking forward to seeing how much my raise was. I don't think it's that much at all, but it's something to be happy about, anyway.

As usual, I intended to write a short entry and look how it turned out. I really like to talk about myself, don't I?

Peace out.