Whatever blows your skirt up.

January 25, 2005

I hope I just have some massive PMS or something, because man alive, I hate everything today.

First of all, this job.. I have to get out of here. I am running out of internet, people! There's only so much Television Without Pity and Guns N Roses news and funny links that I can see on a daily basis without getting totally bored out of my mind. In theory, I should probably be working on my novel, but with all the interruptions and distractions it would be hard to get anything done.

Plus, not to mention all the job looking. Please, let's just not mention that. I do have an interview tomorrow, but it's for a job that's 45 minutes away from my apartment.

And okay, I REALLY don't understand this boy. I know why he's mad at me from a pissy text he sent me last night - he's mad because I told him my friends told me that I shouldn't call him. And FINE! I can see why that would irritate him, but does that mean he has to throw the whole thing away because of one stupid comment I made? This is really starting to piss me off. He won't even give me a chance to defend myself! I texted him earlier today to tell him that he should come over to my place tonight and I'd cook for him! And he still hasn't answered!

I thought this whole thing would be worth it, but maybe it's just not. Maybe it's just time to let it go, but that's just not in my nature. You're talking to a girl who let a relationship drag on for 7 years just because I believed in it. I'm going to do everything I can to get under his skin and make him see that what he's doing is pointless and just a little retarded.

I mean.. I'm fucked if I do and fucked if I don't. Let's see here.. I didn't call him on Friday because I thought he was still pissed that I acted like a spaz on Thursday. I didn't answer the phone when he called on Friday because I was at the farm getting drunk so I could forget about the whole mess. I told him on Saturday that my friends told me not to call him because I thought he would APPRECIATE THE HONESTY, when, in fact, he didn't. I called him twice on Sunday, nothing from him. I texted him twice yesterday, and FINALLY got a pissy response from him, but it was an actual response at least. And then.. nothing today.

How am I supposed to know he wanted me to call him if he didn't call me first? How am I supposed to know that calling him the day after a date won't freak him out, it'll just make him think that I like him? I make mistakes, I'm fallible, I fuck things up, and he should fucking know that. It's fucking human nature.

I just can't stand the fact that I fucked up the first relationship I attempted to have after the whole Matt debacle. I can't stand it. The thought of being such a fuck-up really makes me angry. And the fact that he won't just call me and try to get my side of the story and listen to reason and instead is just going to give me the silent treatment.. god, that sucks. And to think that next week there's a good chance I'll have to see him every single day because it's the beginning of the month and we'll have a million deposits.. that makes my stomach hurt.

I swear.. I'm just going to call him one more time tonight, and if we can't figure it out then, I'm done. If he wants to blow me off, FINE. WHATEVER, dude! I fucked up, I said something stupid, FINE. GET OVER IT! Let's move on.

It's been a whole 2 weeks since this thing started.. it feels like it's been about 3 months.

So, right now I'm listening the orchestral version of Don't Cry, because it's the only thinkg that's calming down and not making me want to kill something.

And apparently Matt is not speaking to me either. I sent him a link to a job he might be interested in, and I don't even get a Thank You back. What's up with that? What did I do to him to piss him off, too? I'm not even going there, but it's something that I am mildly curious about.

I am boy repellant. Lovely.

Axl, come take me to California and away from this bullshit!

Have you noticed that for some reason I sure do seem to say "Fuck" a lot more lately? It's like.. my favorite word.

Oh, and I have $2.27 in my checking account. That's something to be proud of, right?

But in good news, Some Kind of Monster is out on DVD today and right after work I'm going to Best Buy to get some of that shiznit.

I hate my life right now. WAHHHH.