This is what I write when I need to be working.

February 26, 2006

Things:

- Oh, did I happen to mention that I'm going to the Coldplay concert tonight? Yes, it is true. This is the second time I've seen them, the first time being when I was a sobbing mess after the Matt break-up, when I lived in Austin. I still expect to get all emotional and weird, especially when they play Politik. That song does something to me, seriously.

WOOHOO! COLDPLAY!

- So I'm at work doing overtime right now and I've been here for 2 hours but have only done like 5 minutes of work. I am not feeling the overtime today. Yark.

- Any time anyone calls me by the wrong name, it's ALWAYS Jennifer. Why do people call me Jennifer? They always have some kind of reason but it still freaks me out. Like the other day, I was on the phone with Comcast and the chick on the phone called me Jennifer. She said she just talked to someone named Jennifer and just kinda forgot. I don't know. I don't want to be Jennifer.

- Josh and I watched the Fugitive on Friday night. I don't know what it is about that movie, but if it's on, I am compelled to watch. It's greatness. Tommy Lee Jones is so fucking awesome in that movie. Rock on.

- I love my mommy.

- I am tired.

- I think that I got totally screwed with certain things regarding a promotion and financial things regarding that promotion, so somebody is going to be talked to tomorrow. I hate being vulnerable to being totally screwed.

- Josh...is Josh. Our relationship continues to be a series of ups and downs and passion and fights and love and whatever else you can throw in there. Today he said that he is so in love with me that when we're together he just doesn't know what to do with himself. He said I was the love of his life. Come on, people. I'm a sucker for that. I do love him. He's my muffin. I just kinda wish we could have more of a plateau then all the highs and lows.

- I should probably get back to work now. I'm just not all that anxious to get started on Hollywood Squares. *cringe*

For extra good fun, here's an extended part from my entry of 3 years ago, just so we can all experience the heartbreak and depression that was my life. Yay!

*****

3
I'm doing everything wrong.. if I wanted him back, wouldn't I not talk to him right now? Wouldn't I have some kind of mystery about me, make him think that I have some kind of secret life going on? My cars are all out on the table. On Saturday night, he mentions that he might have been dumped, that he might want to get back together, and he totally turns my world upside down. What little progress I've made is totally turned to shit just because he keeps wanting to get in my business. Just when I feel like I'm getting somewhere, he manages to come back again and make me doubt everything I thought about what was going on.

I kept thinking to myself today... this must all count for something. There must be a whole point to me beating myself up daily.. there must be some karmic reason for what is going on in my life right now. And it's all going to lead to some grand display, some big karmic dump where everything works out in the end. But right now I have to pay my dues. I have to be miserable in order to truly be happy. Yin and yang.

I hate being miserable. I prided myself on not being depressed, on being semi-happy. But was I happy? Or was I just always depressed and I hid it well? Because I've never really been happy with what I was doing. When I was with Matt, I always felt like there was something missing, like I had to get out of that for a while. Read my early October 2002 entries.. they were all talking about getting out of Dallas and going to Vegas or Austin but he wouldn't let me.. now I'm here and I have no idea what to do with myself.

I just don't know where I'm going and how to get there and where I'll end up.