Having myself a little meltdown, plus an Axl resurgance!

February 22, 2006

So for the first time since way back in 2002, Axl and his band of others are FINALLY making themselves known again! Not only is Axl making appearances in public practically every weekend, but there are now 3 CONCERT DATES confirmed! They're not in the US yet, but hey, we're getting there! I think that means that Chinese Democracy, the album we've all been salivating over for the past decade, is nearing completion. Maybe that shouldn't excite me so much, but oh yeah, it totally does.

Also, I listen to 2 different leaked tracks, and they're REALLY good. Seriously, people. I'm really excited about hearing new songs and blasting them and memorizing them and being a happy GN'R fan once again. It's a good time to be a fan, mmmkay?

Sort of speaking of GN'R, today I was working on Desperation, the TV movie of Stephen King's novel. I got really excited because they played Fall to Pieces by Velvet Revolver in the movie! And I got to caption that! It's the little things that excite me.

As far as work goes...I know I'm good. I know I'm fast. But when my boss got all excited and said, "REALLY?!" when I told her I finished my part of the movie, that made me feel good about my skills. I like that even though my boss knows I'm good, I can still surprise her as to how good I really am. Yeah, hi, ego.

In other news, I had myself a full on lady temper tantrum today. I went on about in my last entry, things with Josh are...quiet. Too quiet. We used to spend hours on the phone. He used to declare his love for me whenever possible. I am used to a certain amount of attention from him. And now...I'm not getting it, and it's fucking driving me INSANE!

I mean, isn't 2 months a little too quick for the honeymoon to be over? I don't know about you, but I had myself a little tantrum about that. I am used to hearing from Josh at some point during work, whether he calls me or emails me or whatever, and he didn't do that today. So I called him after work and a fun little fight ensued where I drove him totally batshit crazy with my insecurity. His reason for the sudden lack of attention: He knows that I know he loves me. He knows I love him. And now he's tired of talking about it all the time. And other assorted things like that.

I can't...accept that right now. It's not a good enough answer for me. I want attention, I want affection, and if this is how it's going to be, I'm not sure how long I can hold on. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe that's why I can't manage to keep a relationship. I know for a fact that my insecurity is what has ultimately ended every relationship I've ever had. Even when I was 16, Adam told me, "You ask too many questions about love and you're not supposed to ask questions about love." At the time I thought he was full of shit, but now I understand. Sometimes you just have to know it's there even if it's not said out loud 100 times a day.

I get it. I understand. But that still did not prevent me from being a total psycho crazy woman. But maybe this is a test...maybe I love Josh so much because he loves me so much and was always showing that fact. Now that he's not, maybe it's not working for me. I really do have to face the fact that MAYBE what I like about him is the superficial stuff, and now that I'm not getting that...what's next? I do not know. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Anyway, yeah. I obviously need to work out tonight but instead I will go to the mall, come home, eat Taco Cabana, and, uh, "watch" the new porn I bought today. Yeah, it's a fabulous life I lead.

I also updated my myspace page because I'm a dork and that's what I do. Check it out! Or be square. Or something.

That is all.

*****

4
"You know what I've been thinking about lately? I'm graduating soon (well, December), and I'm confused about what I want to do. I want to travel and see the world and spend time with my parents and my boyfriend and my puppy dogs and all that. But I also want to work hard, pay my dues, get ahead in the world. And I know I'm going to have to do the latter in order to the other, and that sucks! I just wanna play."