Sorry about that last one...

April 27, 2005

Okay, I kinda feel like an ass for that last entry. I mean.. why should you guys feel bad for me? We all knew it was coming. We all knew this "relationship" was never going to work out the way I thought it would.

I went to Barnes and Noble to read this book I've seen there before.. something about what to do the first 100 days of a break-up. And as I was reading it, I came across Day 8, which said "go to your parent's house, they will hold your hand and feed you cookies."

Then I felt so, so dumb. Nobody is going to hold my hand or feed me cookies because THEY'VE ALREADY DONE THAT! They did it 2 and a half years ago. They're over it now, and I should be too.

With that realization came another one. I can't do this to myself again. I already mourned the loss of this relationship. I spent a good 8 months practically crying every single day, wondering how I was ever going to get over him.

And while I was talking to my mom, she made me see how pointless the whole thing is. He was an asshole. I don't like to admit that, but he was. He knows me almost better than I know myself, and I know he knows that we've probably never been on the same page. Ever since the first month we were together when we had the whole "I'm not going to comitt right now" talk, I've always known he and I weren't exactly wanting the same things. Even at 18 years old, I wanted someone stable, who would love me and treat me with respect and dignity.

It makes me really sad that I spent so long being strung along. Why did I do it? Why couldn't I find someone else? Why did I put up with it for so very long when I knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn't going to end up the way I wanted it to?

So, okay, I've spent the last 3 days mourning. And really? It wasn't so much the great romance of the century that I was mourning, like I wanted it to be. It was a Friends With Benefits with An Ex-Boyfriend, and that's all it was. Every single time I participated in nookie with him... it was good. I had a lot of orgasms. It felt good. But I walked away feeling like I made a mistake. I walked away feeling like he used me, and I willingly let him because I thought it would all work out in the end.

And one of the stupid things about this was when I was happy with Mike, I totally told Matt that it would be good if he could find somebody else. I told him to do it! And he did! So now that I don't have anyone in my life, it's not okay?

So, here's what I'm going to do. Seeing that I was so intent with Mike for a while, seeing that I almost forgot completely about Matt when I have crushes or dates or whatever.. I'm going to give myself a month to lose a little weight, get my head together, and then I'm going to start dating. I'm going to do this by joining all the stupid online dating sites that I've been avoiding for so long. I might not have much luck with that, but it's a step in the right direction.

I'm going to start this journey, I've decided, on May 20th. Matt's birthday. I am excited and not really all that nervous. I mean, I've dated online before. That's where I met Matt, for fuck's sake. And I don't think it will be too hard to at least get to meet some new guys.

Or something.

Anyway. I need to get myself out of this self pity hole, because it's not pretty. There's so many things I want to do right now.. lose weight, really get into my novel writing, make friends, volunteer. I'm going to take a sign language class in summer school. And I know for a fact that summer school is always a good place to meet people.

I mourned this thing already. I went through the horrible angsty depression, I went through the point where I talked to him everyday about his problems with his girlfriend beccause I thought if I was there for him, he would realize what he was missing. I've been through the waking up with the sun shining brightly through the window while I felt like it was the perfect day to kill myself. I went through listening to "Politik" by Coldplay and "My Immortal" by Evanescence repeatedly because they struck a chord with me.

I can't do it again. I have to find some way to realize that I just can't do it. If I feel like crying, I should take PD for a walk, or just go outside and take a walk by myself. If I feel like talking to him, I should call my mom or Alison or anybody so they can talk me out of it. For the record, I did send him an email today, but it was just saying that I was deleting my email account so he should update his secret shopping crap because he uses my address for some of it.

I know I keep saying it, but this is not going to happen again. It sucks that he turned out to be more of an asshole than I ever let myself believe he could be, but he is. But more than that, I blame myself for letting myself be strung along.

I know I've changed in 2 and a half years, and I know I have a lot more ammo in this war against despair. It still hurts, though. It still stings. It still sucks that he just didn't think I was good enough for him. But.. I will get through this. I will not let myself cry over this boy if I can help it. I've beat that horse to death, we all know that.

Okay, so yeah. I'll shut up now. I realize I've written a million entries in the past few days, but this is my therapy. We all know that.

Thanks to everyone who gives a shit, and rock out with your cocks out.