Holy motherfucking crap, Quentin! Also, triathalons and birthdays.

May 19, 2005

Holy mother fucking crap!

How does fucking Quentin Tarantino do this to me! I have goosebumps, for fuck's sake! Why am I so completely and awesomely captivated by every single thing this man does?

So, yeah. CSI. Fucking amazing. The most extremely awesome 2 hours of television EVER. I am SO NOT EXAGGERATING! Billy Petersen was awesome and the team stuck together and they found Nicky and NICKY DIDN'T DIE! NICKY DIDN'T DIE, BITCHES!

And Grissom cracked the case by using his entomology knowledge, and he almost went deaf a few seasons back so he could read Nicky's lips, and there was this really wacky dream sequence that was oh so Tarantino. Oh, Quentin, how I love you so.

I've almost given up on the new episodes of CSI - I've probably even missed half the season this year. But damn, that just renewed my faith in the show! Just.. amazing.

Okay, anyway.

So, tomorrow is Matt's birthday. For a while, I was kinda struggling to figure out if I should do anything about it. I was absolutely determined to send him an email, and then I was going to call him, and then I just decided to send a text message. Because, for me.. it's like the ultimate rudeness for someone I care about to not call me on my birthday. And if I can help it, I'm not going to miss calling or contacting the birthday person in some kind of way.

But, after the great email event of 2005, I decided that I'm just not going to contact him in any kind of way. I know he probably won't even notice, but damnit, it's a big decision for me! It's been 2 and a half weeks since I've talked to him!

And more than that.. I'm not even really thinking about him anymore. The sting I used to feel when I thought about him and The Girl.. that's not there anymore. It's either apathy or acceptance, or maybe a little bit of both. Whatever it is, I'm grateful. The only little tiny thing that I'm just a little tiny bit worried about... if I'm not thinking about him, he really must not be thinking about me at all. And then eventually.. he's just going to forget.

And I know that's stupid to think, because we shared a big part of our lives together and it's impossible to go a day without having something remind me of him and the places we went and the songs we listened to and the moments we shared. But.. that's my mindset, and someday it will probably change. But.. who knows.

A year ago on his birthday, the only real thing I got him for it was to get our favorite radio guys to say his name on the air, during this segment we always used to listen to called "Why Today Doesn't Suck."

The thing is, at the time, with all the conditions, I knew he would be listening that day, at that time. And more than that, HE knew that I knew he would be listening. He said that he actually expected me to do that, and if I hadn't, he would have been pissed off! That's the thing about Matt - he was always guessing what I was going to do before I even knew I was going to do it. That was maddening, people. Absolutely maddening. And that is a good reason as to why we aren't together anymore.

As we all know, throughout this thing called life, I have to be obsessed with something or I just won't be happy. If it's not a guy or a TV show or something, there's my default: my weight. And right now... it's one of the only things I'm thinking about. When I'm doing a Match Game at work, I'm thinking, "Man, I'm hungry! Taco Bell sounds good! But, no. Have your fun chicken a la crap and be happy with it!

I stopped weighing myself because the numbers really aren't declining, but I'm working out like a damn maniac, so it's like, you know, muscle gain and crap. And I know this sounds weird, but I KNOW i'm losing weight because when I wake up in the morning, I just.. feel lighter. I can feel my stomach getting smaller and I can see my legs getting stronger and I can see my arms get smaller. So, fuck the scale, man! Damn the man!

And the exercising is just really good stuff right now. I'm spending at least an hour and a half every single day at the gym. I'm not even hating the treadmill so much anymore. And yesterday.. I felt like I did a triathalon or something. I did 40 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes on the bike, at least 200 sit ups, and then I went to my dad's and swam for 45 minutes. Woo, that's what I say.

There is someone I would like to introduce you to:

That was me and my huge ass the day after my graduation in December, 2002. That picture terrifies me, it really does. I know that a huge factor in that extreme weight gain was the break-up thing, which had happened 2 months before, but still! Look at that ass!

The point is: I feel better, and I know I look better. No random people have commented, but I don't really expect that, especially not at work. At work, everyone is on a diet and pretty much everyone is losing weight, so yay for all of us.

My goal is to be able to wear shorts by the end of June, and to wear sleeveless shirts by August. I feel that I can do this. Oh yes, I can do this.

I haven't eaten Freebirds in almost 4 weeks! That is a record.

So, basically.. things are good right now. I'm relatively happy. I'm really excited about moving and I'm even more excited about starting the online personals adventure. I just really, really want a boy in my life. I don't care if that's pathetic, I just do. And I don't want any high expectations, I just want to go with the moment. I don't know if I'm capable of that, but I don't know if I'm capable of anything until I actually do it. I never knew I'd be capable of not talking to Matt for almost 3 whole weeks, but.. it's happening, and it's good.

In other news, I'M MOVING IN A WEEK! YAYAYAYAY! I am sad because PD the magical puppy is at my roommate's mom's because he's apparently scared of all the boxes that are lying around the apartment at the moment. I don't know when I'm gonna see my little boy again!

And like.. I have not packed much at all. I was going to get some done tonight, but CSI completely knocked me on my ass. So, this weekend is pretty much going to be some variation of working out and packing. Exciting!

Anyway, that is all. CSI rocked my ass off, and good times for everyone. Also, I give up. I'm not capable of writing short entries, and I'm just not even going to try anymore. I hope that we all understand and appreciate that.

****
a year ago...
"I hate being jealous of myself for finally getting it together for a few months and then losing it yet again. I want THAT back, whatever it was that I had then. I had SOMETHING, and I lost it again. I had IT. And now it's gone again. I miss it. I miss that feeling I had when Matt came to Austin to visit me for the first time and was really impressed with all that I managed to carve out for myself. I miss being proud of myself."

2 years ago...
"No more waking up with a feeling of dread, going to the umemployment center, filling out countless applications with no follow up. I have a job!
I was so excited that I ruined my composure and IMed Matt. But thats okay. He's excited for me. Rock on. And there I go, inviting him to the Memorial Day party at the farm. I knew I wouldn't be able to refrain from doing so. I am on crack.

3 years...
"Okay, so remember how I was obsessing over my boyfriend earlier in the week? Well, let's just say that came crashing down today. I don't really want to get into it (much, anyway), but it just really sucks how sometimes you have these romanticized ideals about how things can be, and then even though you know that they aren't true, you still believe it because that is essientially what you are led to believe. But then it turns out that you were wrong, so desperetly wrong, and then you feel like an idiot because of course you were wrong! I mean, nothing has really changed and sometimes it's just pointless to start believing that things ever will change."