You guys would be proud of me...

January 27, 2005

Two entries in one day! Is it really possible?

I just wanted to tell you guys that I finally had the closure conversation with Matt. He kinda started it.. he asked if I enjoyed doing the nookie with him anymore. I took that as my chance to finally say what I needed to say. I said it, we were both very civil, and I don't know if we're going to be friends or not in the future.

The best part about it? I dumped him, and now that's in the record books. But the worst part? I don't know if he got the point all the way.. I think he just thinks I'm not going to participate in sexual things with him anymore, but the thing is, he doesn't want to be friends unless we're doing sexual type of things. Or.. something like that.

But, I did it. Here's some snippets:

*****
Matt: and when you take away the special part, you just become an ex.
Matt: and I don't really want to keep up with "exes"
Me: Yeah, that's why I got dumped for one then.
Me: And anyway, I've been an ex for nearly 5 years now. I'm used to it.
Matt: well, if I could just morph you two, I'd get married.. she had the elite status and really working hard and all that good stuff.. but none of the other stuff you had... the loyalty, the passion, the sex, the trust, the time you made for me or any of that good stuff.
Me: That's what every girl wants to hear.
Matt: (see the bluntness) .. heh.
Me: Anyway.. in an effort to sum up this conversation civilly, good luck with all your stuff. I'm proud of you for all the stuff you've accomplished,.
Matt: Thank you.
Me: Enjoy the rainy day.
Matt: You too.
*****

Me: *shrug*.. a purely sexual relationship doesn't really interest me at this time.
Me: I would think that you could appreciate it.. it's been hard to come to this realization, but here I am, and I think that's important to my growth. I know that's ironic for your sex-wanting situation, but that's how I see it.
Matt: That's fine. I'm glad you have obtained the confidence to do that, even if I don't understand it.. and I hope all goes well in your endeavors.
Matt: This is likely the split you have needed from me anyways.
Me: I probably do need it for a while.

*****

There's more, but I feel weird about sharing it like the entry whore I am.

Just know that it's over, and for the most part, I have closure. And for some reason, I'm eerily calm. I haven't cried and I don't plan to, although later tonight that might be a definite possibility. This conversation wasn't a difficult one to have at all. In the past I'd have to give myself a pep talk when I wanted to tell him something serious, but this time.. nope.

So.. there it is. A very large chapter in my life is closed now, and I am thankful for that. That right there is almost 7 years of total and complete devotion and loyalty, all singled out to being a fuck buddy and nothing else. It's time to move on. It's time to know that I'm going through life without him as a crutch. So.. good times with that.

*****

In other news, before you make the conscious decision in the morning to go ahead and look like shit at work, make sure that you find out if you're going to see your new pseudo boyfriend at the bank first.

When my boss told me I had to go to the bank today, I moaned. I SOO look like shit today. But I went anyway, and he was there but he was busy, and it was weird, and we exchanged a look, and it was cute, and I REALLY want to see him tonight but he's not responding to my messages. I really wish this guy would shit or get off the pot, dude.

Anyway.. it is raining and I am tired and I need to pee. I want to see Mike so very badly tonight. I feel like I need to have some kind of new boy interaction after unloading the old boy. The thought that I possibly have unloaded the old one while driving off the new one is kinda making me crazy, but we'll deal with that later. Plus, there's always Farm Guy or Church Boy to obsess over, right?

Jeebus.