The honeymoon is over!

January 27, 2005

I know that me and my roommate can't be Bert and Ernie forever, and I always knew that when our lease is up in May she'd probably want to get out of there, but it still kinda hurt my feelings when I got an email from her this morning saying that she's out of there when the lease is up, and do I plan to stay and get a new roommate?

I am extremely fortunate to have such an awesome roommate situation, and the thought of having to go through the process all over again doesn't make me so happy excited. Plus, I'm going to miss the living fuck out of PD. He's a good boy. I'm attached to the guy, what can I do?

Plus.. the creepy sinking feeling of death has arrived in my stomach, and I'm doing a little panicing. I'm not sure I can really afford to live by myself at this moment, but surely I'll have another job by May, right?! Surely I can somehow do what I haven't managed to do in 2 years in 4 months and find a fucking job?

Panic. Panic. Panic. Push the red button. Panic.

I know it will all work itself out.. I'm not going to end up on the street. But the most desireable solution to this problem is getting a good job and being able to live by myself or with a roommate in a nicer apartment.

I also can't help but feel a little sad that my roommate doesn't want to live with me anymore! I help out! I take PD for walks almost everyday! Lately I've even been cleaning a lot more often. Like, I'm vacumming! And doing the dishes! And what's so wrong with coming home after work and watching Friends together? We haven't done that in a while, but for a while, it was almost like a daily ritual. But.. I know she and her boyfriend are probably pretty close to getting engaged and will probably want to get a place together soon anyway. And it would be good for PD to have a backyard to play in. And she makes like a shitload of money, and they place we live is not exactly a good example of that. So.. good for her. Not so much for me, but we'll work on that.

Ppphhht. The interview yesterday was not so good and/or encouraging. It was like a firing squad in there.. three females all launching questions at me like bullets. I felt like I was performing a one act play there for a little while. And plus.. THREE females all at the same time? I was doomed. Females don't like me. It's just a proven fact.

In boy news, Mike is making me want to tear my hair out.

I mean.. look. I think it's awesome that he goes to school on top of having a full time job. I think it's really cute that he's taking a math class and then going to a study group after the class to learn more math. I think it's cute that he stays home at night instead of doing social things so he can study. That's great. That's fantastic. It proves that he's not some genetic superfreak genius like Matt and he actually has to work for what he learns, and I can TOTALLY respect that.

But I still don't get him! The plan was that he would come over after class for some good burger fun, but yesterday around 6 he said that there was still some math issues he didn't get, so he was going to a study session after class and then he'd come over after that.

Great! Fine! Good! So, I planned that maybe it would be around 10 or 10:30 before he'd come, which was fine. I didn't go to my bible study last night, I didn't work out, I didn't do anything but watch American Idol and the West Wing (some awesome Josh/Donna tension!) and cleaned my toilet and lit some candles and walked PD.

When it's 11:30 and he still hasn't called, I'm pissed and annoyed and a little worried, so I call him. He sounds really apologetic, but his excuse is stupid. He says the study group moved to someone's house because there was still some people who didn't understand the math crap, and from there, he just "lost track of time." And then he said he'd call me when he got home.

Do you think that boy called me when he got home? Uh, no. Do you think that boy had enough common sense to think about calling me once his little "study group" decided to go to someone's house? No. No common sense. Not even any common courtesy. I kinda feel like I'm still being punished here, and I don't appreciate it.

These are all bad, bad signs. I hope he recognizes this. And if having any kind of relationship with me is important to him at all, I hope he gets his shit together so we can maybe get this thing going. It's stalling, guys. It's stalling big time and I'm not sure if he wants it enough to make it happen. Which.. really disappoints me, but hey.. it happens.

It's a bummer. He really seemed to like me there in the beginning, but, like the Molz said, the honeymoon is over. Too bad the honeymoon only lasted for like, 5 days.

And I know I've said this about 100 times about Matt, but I think I know why I'm so bewildered that I can just all of a sudden be over him. I just expected more fanfare, you know? Like.. a sudden realization that I was finally over him, that I didn't see a future with us anymore, that the thought of comittment with him scared the living bejeesus out of me. But that's not what happened! It was just like.. one day I was still hoping for a future, and the next I knew there wasn't going to be a future. No fanfare! No burning his picture or printing his emails out and tearing them up.. nothing.

I know that's good in a way, but I feel like I'm missing out on some vital part of the healing process. Grrr.. whatever.

I so need a job right now, it's just not funny.

Songs I've purchased from iTunes in the past couple of days:
- Into the Mystic, Joe Cocker (they didn't have the one by Van Morrison!)
- Since You've Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day
- You Aint the First, Guns N Roses
- 14 Years, Guns N Roses
- Are You Happy Now, Michelle Branch
- Yellow Ledbetter, Pearl Jam
- Let's Go, Trickdaddy

I had peanut butter M&Ms for breakfast this morning. Last week I was doing really well with the losing weight thing, but this week has just kinda sucked the life out of me. I'm still hoping it's PMS, but that has yet to prove itself.

Oh, and it's rainy today. Finally the sun has retreated for a day or two. I was really getting tired of that bastard.

Oh, and I just feel like I need to share this. It's from 2 years ago, apparently when I was yet again trying to write that infamous novel that's going to make us all rich:

""The act of wanting someone so much occupied so much of my time I started to wonder why anybody actually did it. Why anyone would consciously decide to give their feelings, their emotions, their heart to another human being.

At work, I'd sit there for hours wondering and pondering the act of love. How it could be so beautiful at times, yet so tragic at others. Like when the sun goes down and there's a layer of darkness overhead, and he leans down to give you a perfect kiss, and then whisper in your ear, "I wouldn't want to share this moment with anyone else but you." And then when the sun comes back up, he's gone, and so was the music in the sunset. The music that assured the moon and the stars that the romance was not going to die, it was going to last forever, like a perfect fairy tale.

Except the fairy tale never lasts, and the sun always sets."

I mean, damn! That's good stuff.

Rock on.

*****
a year ago..
"Having a roomate is weird. I mean.. good weird, I guess. We watch Friends together and bond. She has a boyfriend she stays with sometimes, I have a "boyfriend" I stay with sometimes. We both have the Daddy thing. We like the same kind of movies and food and stuff like that. It's just weird to share such a small space with someone you barely know."

2 years ago...
"I want to talk more about the Matt situation but I realize how boring and tedious that is, and I realize I shouldn't talk to him, and I realize that I shouldn't have freaked out on him last night and I shouldn't have started talking to him this morning, but hey, that's what I do, right? I put myself in situations so that I can sabotage my happiness. Rock on, sisters and brothers."

3 years ago...
"So today I went to 7-11 to buy some ice cream. I don't know, I was just in the mood to buy some ice cream.

While I was there, I picked up a Penthouse. Ice cream and porn, how can one go wrong?"