Pride and predjudice

May 14, 2005

You can all sleep better tonight, D-Land, knowing that I no longer have a warrant out for my arrest. WOOO! Also, know that you are not supposed to bring mace into a municipal building. Ooops!

I am quickly becoming addicted to the show Sweet Sixteen on MTV. I love that damn show and I really don't know why.

Man, I just saw an ad for White Noise coming out on DVD. That was me and Mike's first date! Wouldn't it have been cool if we could have lasted as long as it takes for our first date movie to come out on DVD? Maybe not.

So I saw Crash again last night, and seriously, if you haven't seen this movie, DO IT NOW! It affected me the exact same way it did the first time I saw it. I am emotionally involved with this movie. RAWR!

Anyway, in real and tangible news, my environment is all weird and changing, but really pretty much in a good way.

In an effort to not have the longest entry ever, here is what's on my mind, quick and easy for your protection:

- I'm really starting to feel proud of myself with certain aspects of my life. Like, I'm handling my new apartment stuff all by myself, which isn't a big deal for most people, but I've never been capable of doing it on my own! I even passed all the credit checks and got my apartment on my own, without my dad having to co-sign! I am excited about that.

I'm also proud that I'm getting my eating and working out under control, and things are starting to happen. Well, at least my stomach seems to be decreasing at a nice pace. I've managed to bring my lunch to work every day and work out every night this week, which is a really, really good thing.

Sadly enough, the biggest motivation to working out and everything else is the whole wanting to date soon kind of thing. I mean, being healthy and having confidence and all that is a good motivation, but looking good for the boys is my number one factor right now. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?

I'm proud that I have gone almost 2 weeks without contacting Matt in any kind of way. I haven't even looked at his website. From time to time I look to see if he's online, but most of the time he isn't. Well, good for him. Really. Seriously. Sort of. And while I AM proud of not talking to him, it makes me sorta sad that he hasn't tried to talk to me, either. But.. it's May, it's his month, his birthday is next week, the Mavs are in the playoffs, and he's probably losing like, 10 pounds a day. So while I don't expect to hear from him, sometimes I wish I just knew that he cares.

For the most part, I'm doing really good with this whole thing. I have my good days and my bad days, my good moments and my bad. The good is definitely outnumbering the bad right now, but that's really because I have so much to look forward to. Which is a good thing, and I'm proud of that.

I'm also happy to have a certain Ali-Kat in my life, and I'm not just saying that because she reads this, I'm saying it because it's just really nice to have someone I've known for so long back in my life, hanging out a lot, being fascinated by my weird strange head full of TV trivia. I haven't had a friendship like this in a really, really long time and it's just awesometacular.

But there's still some things that I unbelievably not proud of, including being outrageously jealous of people. If you're a person and you're alive, there's probably something about you that I can find to be jealous of, and that's just weird. The worst example of this is my roommate - I just like.. hate her, but I don't, because it's not like she's trying to flaunt all the good stuff that happens to her. In fact, she's incredibly stressed out by it all. But like... all during this month, the month she's turning 23 years old, she's graduting, buying a house, and getting engaged!

When I turned 23 the only thing I worried about was getting to see Matt during the weekend and how I was going to get more money from my dad! Of course, I got a reality check in the most extreme way after that, but, you know. I'm a late bloomer.

This is getting too long for my tastes, but the point is.. I'm proud, but I'm not as proud as I could be because there's still no novel that's being written, no new friends that I've made, no money that I have been able to save, and all those other fun problems that I seem to have. But yay everything else, right?

I am enjoying work, and I think I'm doing a little better. Things are making more sense, at least. And I'm still emotionally involved with almost every show I do. We just did a show called Buffalo Bill that was on in 1983, and it's about Dabney Coleman being an asshole news guy in Buffalo. I really kind of like this show! The relationship between him and the female producer chick really intrigues me and I find myself rooting for them, which is just really sad.

My job rocks, and I know you're jealous.

Today I'm going furniture shopping with my mom, and I'm actually really excited about it! I'm really looking foward to decorating the new place. I'm also excited about getting a cable modem over there! WOOO! FAST INTERNET AT HOME! Can you IMAGINE?!

So, things are good but could be better. Rock on with that.

And of course, I am totally incapable of writing a short entry. But that's why you love me, right?

Check out how I was psychotically planning a wedding in my head that was never going to happen, in what I was doing 3 years ago. In my heart, I always knew that if it was going to happen at all, something big would have to happen, that it wouldn't happen with the things that were going on at the time. But, like always, I still thought we would end up together. Good times, good times.

*****
a year ago...
"I know I bitch about it a lot, but I don't really know how to change it. I need a new boyfriend, is what I need. I wish I could turn Matt into Dream Boy, but I fear we're way past that point by now. I need someone new who can renew my confidence and introduce me to new people and give me new experiences."

2 years ago...
"But just think about this for a second.. he was ALL I KNEW for 5 FUCKING YEARS. Do you have any idea how long 5 years is? I'm getting myself even more worked up now.. I'm actually almost sobbing right now.. 5 years is just such a long time. I wrapped myself up in him, gave myself to him, and now he doesn't want me anymore."

3 years...
"The wedding will be at my dad's farm on Labor Day, 2003. I want him in a tuxedo, but just a plain suit or something will do fine, as well, since he made it clear this weekend that he will never wear a tuxedo again. I will wear a regular, pretty wedding dress that will look good on me because I would have lost 50 pounds by then. I will be barefoot. Yes, barefoot.. I just think that would be the most conducive to our outdoor wedding."