My personality sucks!

November 17, 2005

Greetings, humans.

So ever since I lost a little weight this year, it's been on with the buying of clothing. Clothing all the time, I'm talking. And most of it is from the Gap. I am so the Gap's bitch, it's not even funny. I guess I'm just excited that I can wear stuff from the Gap again! Before I lost the weight it was all Lane Bryant all the time. I heart the Gap.

I've just never been such a crazy clothes buyer ever in my life, not even when I was a teenager. Especially when I was at my highest weight, I would really just put on whatever would fit and be happy with that. But no, when I get my paychecks now all I want to do is head for the mall and spend money like a crazy woman. Save my money? Put it in a savings account? Pay off my bills? Stop talking crazy, I need more clothes!

Okay then. Now that we've got that cleared up.

Something is kinda getting on my nerves lately. Something is kinda bothering me and making me wonder what the hell is going on. That something...is me.

A couple of years ago, I had the revelation that I have turned into The Funny Fat Girl. This is the condition where after I gained a lot of weight, I had to find some way of drawing attention to myself so somehow I turned myself into a comedian.

Lately, this is starting to bother me. Not only is it bothering me, but it's also becoming really kind of annoying. Yes, people laugh at what I have to say, but do they even take me seriously anymore? When anyone says the most simplest of things, I always feel like I have to find something funny to say about it. It's like their laughter is inflating my ego. Isn't that retarded? It's like...I'm not getting complimented on my looks so I have to compensate somehow by getting people to be interested and fascinated by what I have to say. WHAT IS THAT!? I have to tell you, it's really getting on my nerves lately!

What's even funnier is that it's actually really easy to make people laugh. It's like I'm almost going for the cheap laughs. I feel so dirty when I do that, and I hate it, but they're laughing, so it's okay. Man, that's annoying. And sometimes...it's almost like I'm out to hurt people. Sometimes I'm almost downright abusive! When did that happen? That's not me! I don't want to abuse you, I just want you to like me!

And lately, more and more it seems like my jokes and my way of just like...talking is getting more cynical and sarcastic and that's turning into almost point blank whining! It's almost like I have nothing positive to say anymore because I'm too busy making fun of something, trying to squeeze every last drop of humor out of it.

I don't like the way my personality is heading. I don't like how people don't look at me to cheer them up or make them happy, they look at me and expect me to make them laugh. That's not really something to be proud of. I want to be happy and optimistic and not so down about everything, but instead I'm all, "The man is keeping me down!" And "Oh, wow, that makes my brain hurt!" How did I turn into this person? How can I feel so good about my life right now when I feel so bad about the way I'm acting when I want people to like me?

I know that I want to change some things about the way I act as a human. For one thing, I REALLY, SERIOUSLY need to stop telling everyone everything that happens and everything I think about what happens. I'm not sure why I feel like I need to do that. Again, maybe I think if I tell everyone everything, give up all my secrets, they'll like me more? I just can't do it anymore, yall. I can't go around telling girls I'm in love with a certain guy just to find out later they're dating that guy. I can't tell everyone in the office that I like a certain person. I can't tell my mom that the guy I'm dating has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life. I can't tell M that I'm heartbroken because I learned he had a girlfriend. I can't do any of this anymore. I have to learn how to shut the fuck up!

It may not seem like these things are that big of a deal, but they're getting bigger and bigger as the days go by and I feel that they may just cause my downfall one day. I think that one day I will become so cynical and so sarcastic that nobody will want to be around me anymore. I mean, I've been sarcastic since day 1, that's just what I'm about. But so sarcastic that I actually go out of my way to make every single word that comes out of my mouth something funny and sarcastic just to impress the chick that I work with? It's cheap, and it's not cool anymore. I need to figure out how to tone it down.

In other less retarded news, I hung out with Natalie a little last night. She is so completely awesome. We're going to the Bon Jovi concert in January. WOOO!!! JANUARY! BON JOVI! She is also the only friend I have that I can talk about church stuff with, which is nice to have every now and then. I told her the whole Church Boy story and had her and her mom laughing their asses off at my misfortune. But when I told her about my revelation, she was so proud of me and it was just...nice. We've been through a lot of different phases of our life together and she was just so happy that I've come to the point where I am because I've been so far away from it in the past. She's seen me at my worst (in my college "nothing matters but Matt!" stage) and it's nice that she can share with me how much I've grown since then.

/brag.

But it was nice to see my lovely crazy friend Natalie. Ah, Natalie.

By the way, this is from my entry a year ago, about Church Boy:

I kinda feel like he gets me, you know? It might just be the kind of person he is.. he takes an interest in everyone. But he asked me how my novel was going, and when I told him, he said, "Have you ever thought about publishing something professionally?" Or whatever. And it's like he really took an interest in the things that I like to do! And he said, "I always love reading your emails, they're always so interesting!"

I mean, come on.. there's interest there! There has to be! He wants me! I will be patient. It will come when I least expect it. Honestly, I was almost disappointed when he didn't ask me out tonight. I was almost expecting him to because my life is just going in that kind of direction lately.

Sucks to be so wrong sometimes. But...looking back, I see it differently. Yes, we had something going on back then, and it was fresh and new and interesting and exciting, but it didn't happen. I think he was definitely in my life for a reason, and when he accomplished whatever it was he was supposed to accomplish, his importance level in my life was then a lot less than before. You know? I feel like he was sort of my angel for that time period, but much like Ryan, when I didn't need him anymore, he faded away. I can handle that. It sucks because of all the time I put into it, but I get it, I appreciate it, and I can handle it.

I now own all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD. How I do love me some Friends, yes indeed.

In completely different news, I'm trying to plant the seed in Matt Two's mind for me to come see him. I have a few days off after New Years and I think it would be awesome to come see him in Phoenix during that time. I don't know how receptive he'll be to that but his emails are still really sweet and lovely and it would be nice to see him again. I realize that 1,000 miles is a long way and we'll probably never be together in the way I used to wish we could be, but I'm just sayin'...while I give up boys for a while, maybe I can have a little long distance booty call lovin, huh? Who's with me?

Yesterday at work I did 4 X-Men Evolution cartoons and actually surprised myself as to how much I got into it. The X-Men are interesting! I want more! I also asked about my promotion that I've been hinting around about for months now, and it was revealed that both my supervisors signed off on it and now they're waiting for their boss to sign it, and there it is! I am excited about this. It's so interesting to be so very fulfilled by doing a really good job. Good times, good times.

This entry is already really really long, so why not make it longer? On Saturday I'm picking up a relative I've never met from the airport. She lives in England and we discovered her existence by doing the family tree, so it should be very interesting. The more interesting detail? She has a 25 year old son. He's italian. Okay, so he's technically my third cousin, but that doesn't really count, right?

And, just because...

*****

1
"After we had all settled in with our ice cream, the married people started talking about setting him up with someone, and then asked him what his type was. He said he likes a girl who goes to church, who's not afraid to party.. okay, so far, so good. But then he said he wants a "girl next door" type, and my heart kinda sank. I REALLY don't see myself as a girl next door kind of chick. Do any of you?"

2
"Well, folks! The votes have been tabulated, the critics have weighed in! They critics all seem to agree! The general consensus of my diary: It sucks big giant hairy donkey balls!"

3
"I just miss being kissed. And I miss him holding me before we went to sleep. And I miss a lot of things, and it's just really not fair. I miss him so much."

4
"It's also fun to see how amusing farting is to 5 girls. We would just laugh and laugh and laugh about the multitude of farting (some of us had some beans. And some of us aren't used to champagne.) that was going on. Oooh, and they were smelly too."