Oh, the drama, truth or dare has never been so awkward, and major life revelations that are really nifty!

November 13, 2005

Oh my god, the drama! The incredible drama! Plus, the most intruging game of Truth or Dare since the Great Strip Truth or Dare of 1995!

I knew this weekend was going to be interesting. I knew that this retreat would be for sure be about fellowship and bonding with my fellow Sunday school members, but I also knew that this weekend would be about finding out the truth about what role Church Boy really plays in my life.

I wasn't expecting some big declaration of love or anything. What I really wanted to do was plant the seeds and maybe get him more intruiged and thus want to get to know me better or something.

Well, guess what? It's been a year. A YEAR! A year of Sunday school and having lunch and getting to know each other and various parties and all kinds of opportunities for him to get to know me better. You would think I could have taken a hint or something! But when it comes to me...the only way I take a hint is if it hits me across the forehead.

There is a shit ton of stuff that happened this weekend and I first started to tell you every single detail, but instead I will just share the major events. Will this make the entry any shorter? Probably not.

My number one rule for myself this weekend was to not tell everyone everything, to not go around telling people about my Church Boy crush because not everyone always has to know about my business. I broke that rule, and in a really retarded way...I told my new friend, Bank Girl (because she works at the bank, you see) about my all consuming love for him. And then, an hour or so later, I found out from HIM that he and Bank Girl are dating, which she didn't tell me when I told her about my love for him.

Um, did I just tell Church Boy's girlfriend that I was in love with her boyfriend? Yes. Yes I did.

Oh, I certainly felt like a genius after that. An hour or so later I found her and talked to her about it, apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and you know, just generally saying, "Sorry for being completely retarded!" She was upset because she wanted to tell me in the first place, but I mean, how do you tell someone that just confessed she's in love with someone that you're actually dating the person she's in love with? But we hugged and I cried and it was okay. Well, as much as it could be okay, I guess.

And later, when we decided it was important to play a little midnight Truth Or Dare (which including taking one of the boys' underwear and putting them in the freezer), I learned that Church Boy had actually dated quite a few girls in our Sunday School class. Before last night, I always thought he was just a friendly guy and that his flirtatious way of acting was just his thing, but now I know that he was actually dating all these people!

I mean, don't get me wrong. This doesn't change my opinion of him as a person. If I were him, I would probably be doing the same thing...he wants himself a nice church girl and the best way of doing that is at church. I realize that. What has changed is my opinion of how I feel about him. What has changed is my total and consuming love for him. Out of all these girls he dated, I am not one of them. And I suspect it has something to do with the fact that all these girls are teeny tiny and I am not teeny tiny. And that sucks for him, but whatever. He missed out. And from what I heard, I really didn't.

The truth or dare game really introduced a new level of awkwardness and showed us all what we were dealing with here: Church Boy was at a retreat with a girl he was currently dating, a girl he dated a few months ago, and a girl that's been obsessed with him for a year now, and another chick who is the impartial observer and knows everything before the rest of us do. By Saturday night, we could all tell this was starting to get to him. It was getting to all of us, too, and Truth or Dare ended by someone flying out the bedroom door in tears.

I still want to be friends with the guy. And no matter what happened in the past or what will happen the future, I will still always have a huge fondness for the boy. I will have an appreciation for the person who taught me that there are other people out there, there are other people that will be interested in me and what I'm into and what I'm about. Just because it didn't go further than that doesn't mean it wasn't special or important. I was just always trying to make it more than it was, and it's not, and probably never going to be, and for the first time in a year I'm finally letting myself accept that. It's a nice feeling. A freeing feeling.

So, this morning. We all wake up, groggy from going to bed so late and feeling all strange because of all the feelings that were on the line. Church Boy leads our little bible study and then we pray. As we always do, we brought up our joys and concerns. Married Chick wanted us to really get down to the heart of what's going on in our lives and not be afraid to put it out there, and so I did.

And when I was talking, I came to one of the biggest revelations I've ever had. I almost feel like God put the words in my mouth! I know that sounds weird coming from a pagan like me, but it suddenly made so much sense to me! I told them that a concern of mine was how completely boy crazy I am, and how it's taking a toll on me, and how I really need to stop finding my self worth in boys who like me because that hasn't helped me at all in the 26 years of my life. I have to get comfortable and happy and confident with myself so that when I date people, I can be picky and not just say, "I love you because you love me."

And when I said those words out loud..."I love you because you love me..." it struck a chord in everyone, especially me. That is what I'm about. I like anyone who likes me. And that just can't happen anymore.

So essentially what I'm realizing now...is that I'm on my own. There is officially nobody to use as a crutch. For the longest time it was Matt. Even when we weren't together anymore, I'd always think, "Even if things are shitty right now, I bet we'll end up together, and that's enough for me right now." 6 months ago, that all changed. And even then, instead of recognizing the fact that I'm on my own, I made Church Boy my new back-up. "Well, if it doesn't work out with this person, maybe I can still work on Church Boy!"

Well...now there's nobody. There's no Matt, no Church Boy, no asshole bank boys who were apparently after only one thing, no boys who decided to move to Phoenix, alcoholic handholding poets...it's all me. And that scares me and excites me so much, you just wouldn't even believe it. I don't know what my journey is going to entail, exactly, but I just know it's vital and necessary to my existence.

I just feel like God has really been trying to pound that into my head for the past couple of weeks, with seeing Matt driving on the highway, with finding out M has a girlfriend, with finding out that not only does Church Boy have a girlfriend, but he never really felt inclined to date me even when I thought it was inevitable that we would. I feel like I'm being shown the fact that I can't depend on boys right now, I can only depend on myself. That's such an impossible lesson to learn, but I guess it's either now or never.

So, that's about it. My weekend really surprised me...I knew something would happen either way. We'd either get some going or not get something going. I felt that because I first started having feelings for him at a retreat last year, it was only appropriate that my feelings come to a full circle at this retreat this weekend. The universe/God did not disappoint.

Other than the total awkwardness of it all, I really did enjoy myself. I enjoyed getting to know people I didn't know much about before, and I enjoyed the fellowship and the games and the jokes and the food and the 2 boxers named Lady and Jessie, I enjoyed the nice relaxation involved...it was just a really important weekend, one that I will always remember for showing me the error of my ways.

I will shut my big talking ass up now. I hope you all had an interesting weekend as I did. Good times, good times.