A nun or a lesbian? Vote now!

July 14, 2005

I give up. I haven't decided whether I'm going to become a nun or a lesbian. I'll keep you posted when I figure it out.

So tonight I went to Barnes and Noble to participate in a poetry reading. Actually, it was just to see Eric With The Same Initials As Me read his brilliant and sexy poetry.

Oh, it sure would have been nice if he showed up. I really think we might have had a good time sitting there listening to poetry together, and then me smiling at him peacefully as he got up there and read his. It would have oh so nice.

It he showed up.

Now, I'm quite familiar with this scenario. I've talked about it here quite a few times actually, that being the "Boy who doesn't go to the junior high dance" syndrome. I don't like the boys who show up. I like the boys that are too cool to come to whatever's happening. But in this case, this is his THING. This is what he does. He told me about doing this Thursday night thing one of the first times we talked. And yesterday he said he was going to be there!

The only thing I can think of is that he and his family are apparently going to be on the news for some Weight Watchers thing or something, and they were going to be interviewed today. Maybe that ran long. Maybe he's so excited about his "15 minutes" that he forget about what should be his REAL 15 minutes and beyond, that being his incredible talent for poetry. Or maybe, as he really seems to enjoy doing, he got really really drunk and just forgot. I wouldn't put it past him.

So...I give up. I'm over it. I guess it was just a whole "right place, wrong time" kind of situation, and that's fine. You know why? Because...it just is.

When I was driving home tonight, I kinda felt like going home, having some ice cream, and crying into my pillow. But then I was like, "No. Let this be the first boy you don't cry over. Let this be the first one who didn't get the best of you. Let this be the first boy you didn't burn any bridges with, the first one that you didn't show all your cards to, the first one that doesn't know every thought inside your head." So, I'm going to be okay. I really do like him...the intellectual stimulation is major hardcore.

But...there will be others, others who don't drink themselves into a coma on a near daily basis, others who will actively pursue me and actually call when they're not going to be somewhere they told you they were going to be. I don't know when that's going to happen for me, but surely I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Right? Maybe? Right?

Something good did come out of tonight: One of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen, especially in Texas. It was like 10 different colors, and some lightening to go along with it. I swear I should have been a meterologist with my hardcore fascination of clouds and weather. I'm weird.

In other news, Matt is in College Station this weekend. I know this because I have an AOL account where he's on my buddy list just so I can check to see if he's alive. He had an away message, I checked it, and that's what it said. I'm not jealous, I'm not wistful, I'm just kinda thinking about it. College Station was a big thing for us. It was a yearly event that I would always look forward to because it was just a chance to get away. I also liked it because it was for his job, and even if his job included watching people play high school football in 100 degree heat, I was always so, so proud of him.

I do wonder if he's thinking about me while he's down there. It's a big possibility that he's not, because really...I'm not much thinking about him anymore except for when certain songs on the radio invade my aural passages, or the always present red Dodge Ram passes my gaze.

I don't know. I'm just thinking about that right now. Not good, not bad, just there. You know?

Also, I slept for shit last night. There was continuous dreams about Eric and I being on the Amazing Race, and it just wasn't much fun, let me tell you. So, I got up, paid all my bills at 4:30 in the morning (spending about $600 in the space of 20 minutes...impressive, eh?), tried to go back to sleep, couldn't, so I went to work an hour early. I love that I can do that at this job.. just kinda show up whenever I want, and that's cool with everyone. Say what you will about the low pay and the carpal tunnel and the mind-numbing repetition, but it's a really, really good job for me.

I'm sooooo tired right now and of course I've written a novel-length entry, so bed is looking to be my best option right about now. Right.

I hope everyone has a rocktastic weekend.