Guess where my head is today?

March 01, 2005

So, Mike is coming over on Thursday night and I'm going to cook for him! Can you imagine?!

But the question I have for you guys today, the really important question, is.. how the hell am I supposed to wait until Thursday, 2 DAYS FROM NOW, to see him? I don't think I can wait that long, I really don't. I might have to stalk him at the bank tomorrow or something. I just might have to be that psycho.

Well, I can probably contain myself, but no promises. I can't wait to see this boy. I can't wait to cook for him. I can't wait to have him come over and eat my food and then sit next to me and watch TV and and and... yeah.

Most of all I can't wait to have That Feeling again, because fuck if I'm not totally addicted to it. I'm addicted to the way he looks at me, the way he's always looked at me. I'm addicted to the total and complete intensity of the attraction I have to him. I'm addicted to how new it is, and how when we do actually get together, how totally awesome I feel when I'm with him.

There was a time in my life when I felt this way about Matt, but it was few and far between, and not really at the beginning when everything was fresh and new. With Matt, it was mostly about that feeling of comfort and reliability. It isn't about comfort with Mike, not yet anyway. It's about attraction and mystery and promise, and mother fuck does that turn me on like you wouldn't believe.

How I'm going to sit through 2 more days of working while thinking about seeing this boy again makes my brain hurt.

But don't worry, people. I am still fully functional at work. Today I worked on 3 different Diff'rent Strokes! I am as full as Arnold and Willis Jackson as one should possibly be. I haven't gotten any feedback lately, but I feel like I'm being productive and doing a good job. The best part about this is the fact that I don't suck at it. If we really look back on the history of my jobs, there's not one that I didn't totally suck at. I don't suck at this one! I'm really happy about that.

Today is the start of Hardcore March. I don't know how into Hardcore March I am this year, but it's a nice thought. I've done well with eating today. I'm going to work out later. I have plans to start my novel at some point in my life.

So, basically? Today I like my life. Work is good. Mike and I have exchanged about 4,000 text messages today in preparation of our evening on Thursday. I'm making burgers, and he apparently wants to make some fries and buy some beer and watch a scary movie, as well. I don't know about the scary movie, but as long as I get to sit next to him and be close to him, we can watch the fireplace channel for all I care. I'm just happy about how excited he seems to be about the whole event.. it's the most interested I've seen him be in this whole thing!

And hey, just to prove how excited he seems to be, he just called me! To tell me how excited he was! I mean, hello?! Am I living in an alternate universe or something? Apparently the way to get me my bank boy is to cook for him! I never knew.

I just thought I would share.

2 DAYS? How is that even possible?

****

a year ago...
"I was a little pissed off that we couldn't spend more time together while I was there, but when he asked me if I was mad, I said no, it's all good. Which is a big thing for me, actually. In the past, I would have probably started an argument I had no chance of winning."

2 years..
"So now he's going to have to endure a 12 hour journey on an uncomfortable bus home. That's no fun! But maybe it'll give him time to think over some things, and maybe it'll let him realize that he's totally in love with me and he shouldn't postpone it any longer."

3 years...
"I went to the bank and cashed my check, and even though it isn't much, I was just so proud of myself. I earned that money. My dad didn't hand it to me. I applied for this job, I got this job, I am doing this job, and I am getting paid for this job. That just really means alot to me. *wipes a tear away*"