HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!

February 22, 2005

So, two weeks of the new job. Good times.

The thing I love most about it? I haven't filed anything, faxed anything, called anyone, or even answered the phone. Ever. I don't even think my phone is plugged in.

I'm getting the hang of it. I just started on game shows, which are a whole different kind of challenge. Family Feud is a lot easier and more entertaining than the Match Game, I can say that with a lot of confidence. I mean, what the hell is with the Match Game, anyway? It doesn't translate well 30 years later. And this Brett Sommers chick? I want her off my computer, and now.

I like Richard Dawson.. he's growing on me. But he's also seriously creepy.. if I was on the show, I'd have to make him get the hell out of my comfort zone.

It is a little tedious and repetitve, but really.. so am I. So, rock on with that.

Although, one thing I absolutely can't get used to is waking up at 5:45 AM. It just doesn't work for me. If my mom didn't call me every morning around 6:15, there's a good chance I would be late at least half the time I've been working there. I mean, what is 5:45? Do you understand the meaning of 5:45?

In other news, the words "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, LOSER!" keep vibrating through my head, and it's pissing me right the hell off. I thought with our little resurgance he'd be more into wanting to hang out and talk and like, actually have some kind of communication going on. Well, apparently not. Apparently he just doesn't give a shit, and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm fucking depressed about it, man.

I KNOW he wasn't in my life for that long and I KNOW it was never all that spectacular, but just his presence meant so much to me. Just the fact that someone came along and swept me right off my feet. Just the fact that we were so fucking physically compatible. And now.. nothing. Not even a courtesy text message.

Well, I sent him one that said, "I hope you're having a good day!" And he said, "Thanks.. I am! You too." And that was it. About as fucking casual as one can possibly be.

And.. yes, like I've stressed before, we didn't really "date" for a long time. I only saw him 4 times, for fuck's sake. But.. this goes beyond that. This goes back to last year when I would get butterflies in my stomach whenever I pulled up to the bank. This goes back to when I was in my pathetic so-called relationship with the last fucktard, sometimes I would stop, take a breath, and think about Mike. There was always promise there. There was always a mystery, like maybe someday I could figure him out. And now I have to cross that mystery off my list, and that makes me sad. I no longer have that fantasy, and I hate that.

He's just not that into me, and it fucking sucks, and I hate it, and I almost wish he never fucking gave me his number in the first place.

I hate always thinking "He has class tonight so he probably won't be able to hang out, but he gets out at 8:30 and maybe he'd want to hang out then!" I hate always staring at my phone with great contempt and confusion as to why it's not ringing. Most of the time, I don't even take it with me unless I know that I'll need it, because if it's not with me, I can't hear it not ring. Most of all, I hate obsessing over a fuckwad who seemingly just couldn't care less.

/rant.

It could be the birth control pills talking (they tend to make me a little nutso sometimes), but fuck! I can't maintain a relationship for shit and it's starting to get to me.

I would, however, like to brag that I made it through a weekend of Ticketstock without my usual Gordo obsession. I saw him, and I drooled, but I managed to contain myself. So, good for me.

Also, Friday night is when my old small group is meeting to watch movies. This is the one I missed in December because of my vomit problem. But this time, I'm all about the Church Boy, and I will be all up in there. I like him. I put him off for a while because I had other people to worry about, but why not? I like him. I want to explore, if he would ever open up and allow it. He's a Capricorn too, though. I seem to be in a Capricorn phase of my life.

I'm going to Barnes and Noble now.

*****

a year ago...
"I don't know what it is. I realize he has a family and he's too old for me anyway, but there have been certain people in the past that I've had major crushes on, not because I wanted to be with them, but maybe just because I want them to be in my life somehow. Like my history teacher my freshman year in college. He was so odd, and obviously a bit gay. But I thought he was greatness and I wanted him in that kind of way. Or something."

2 years..
"A day that I'm like.. totally consumed by lonlieness. Where all I can think about is Matt and what he's doing and how badly I want to lose weight so someday he'll be so stunned by my beauty that we'll have to get back together. Which is ridiculous because even when I was in my bloated 200 pound stage of life he still told me I was beautiful practically every friggin day."

3 years..
"I rented 9 1/2 weeks today, just because I'm a deviant bitch. But that's okay! What's wrong with being a deviant bitch, huh? I'm now going to go watch "The Making of 7th Heaven." I like MTV!"