Daughters!

February 20, 2005

So I called Mike today because my roommate and her boyfriend and their friends were going to see Boogeyman at a theater right down the street from where he lives, and I thought that would be a good excuse to invite myself along and give him a call.

So I called him, and I found out he was busy with another girl. That's right, he's seeing another woman!

His daughter.

I thought I was totally cool with him having a daughter, but for some reason, when he said he was spending the whole weekend with her, it made me feel like such a shit. Here I am inviting him to a stupid horror movie when he's out spending actual father/daughter bonding time with his girly spawn.

And then THAT made me feel like a shit because I know there's this huge gap between us with the whole daughter thing. He's been in a situation where he found out the girl he loves was pregnant, and then they talked about what they should do, and then he was there when this baby was born, and then he raised a baby, and then he experienced a lot of pain when this relationship ended. That's something I will never understand. That's something I've never been through. You know? I just feel.. weird about it. Like everything I do this weekend is trivial compared to what he's doing this weekend.

And then there's the whole "Well, why did he call me and TELL me he's spending time with her? Why can't we ever make plans in advance?" I just want to know when he's busy so I can plan accordingly, you know? It's so frustrating, and I can't even say anything about it because I already out psycho'd myself and I feel like I don't have the right to say anything!

Now most of you are probably all, "Well, maybe he's just not that into you!" And well, maybe that's true. And when I start to think that maybe there's nothing here after all, he says something promising, like, "We'll hang out this week sometime," or, "I've already claimed you as my own!" that makes me feel like maybe this isn't pointless.

We haven't hung out in a week and a half, and I miss him, dude. I'm not going to do anything about it because it's just not my place to say anything. He's busy. He has a life. I respect that. If he could maybe call me a little tiny bit more often to tell me that he would like to hang out or something, that would be great. But we're not at that point, and, okay.. I can accept that. Now, I need a life too. One that doesn't revolve around him. That would be nice, huh?

I just need to focus on my own shit and involve myself in more activities and then, you know, do my own thing. Today is a beautiful day, it's almost 80 degrees and pretty and perfect, but I've been inside all day messing with my iPod (I added 92 songs!) and watching Shall We Dance. I could have gone to church and socialized with my people there. I could have worked out, I could have gone to the bookstore, I could have seen a movie, I could have gone on a drive, but instead I've just been kinda sitting here. I mean.. yark.

I will shut up now. I'm going to my mom's later to eat steak and watch Desperete Housewives. If you guys watch it tonight, make sure to really look at Carlos, cuz that's what my bank boy looks like. Rawr!

Shall we Dance is irritating. But I think I've completely run out of Sex and the City to watch. I watched every season except 4, and I don't like that season too much. Carrie and Aidan get back together and he can't get over the cheating and then they break up! Okay. I get it.

I think I'm done now. I feel silly for freaking out a little over the whole daughter thing, but it's a whole new situation for me, you know? He has a daughter! That's weird!

Anyway.

*****
2 years ago...
"I know I have to get out of this funk someday, but for now I just feel like shit. Like.. a worm of a human. I've fucked up massively and now I'm paying for it. Playing house for 5 years might have been fun at the time, but now I have no experience, no social skills, and no prospects.

I fucked up, and now I'm paying for it."

3 years...
"I'm starting to figure out why BB has been in college for 6 years. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go out in the real world. How do vacations work in the real world? Can I even take Christmas off? How will I go to Las Vegas for New Years? This all scares me to death. I guess I'm just a spoiled brat. I know I am. But this really scares me."