Um, I'm not sure how to process that information?

November 30, 2005

Hey, look at me, I'm an entry whore!

Ah, life before myspace. What a simple life it was. Now that I've been on there a whole 24 hours? Not so simple. Now...I may never be the same again!

First of all, there's still Ryan to contend with. And then there's a local radio personality who emailed me out of the blue, and the fun part is, I actually listen to his show! I think he just wants to get him some, and I don't really want to be known as some kind of radio whore, so yeah, I'll probably step back a bit from that.

But then...*sigh*...then there's Matt. I saw his little myspace page and there was a thing or two that was a little questionable to me, but once I saw that "in a relationship" thing, I knew I needed to stop looking because I just didn't want to know. Anyway, I emailed him and just said, "hey, what up!" And from there...it just turns into one stupid surreal mess of crap.

He emails me a few hours later. The subject line says "well, it's time." Once I saw that, I was like...oh, shit, what is he going to tell me?

Well, Matt?

Never went to Phoenix.

Is not living in Arizona.

Did move, but AN HOUR AWAY from here.

Has been lying to me FOR 2 MONTHS for various reasons.

I'm not totally sure as to how to process this information, but I do know that I will be banning myself from looking at myspace at work and also from looking at emails from Matt in the middle of the day so that I don't explode with tears while I'm working on a fucking Baby Looney Toones.

Seriously, this is my life, people.

This is from the email I sent back to him:
You know, the sad thing is...I'm not even that surprised. This is the first year I've attemped to date since I was 17 years old, and I've just been stunned by the way things work. The shit that I have been through with guys this year has been just...incredible. So this? Really just the icing on the cake. Although, wow...I've been told some lies before, but this one is quite a stunner.

And, the part I'm most proud of:
You know, Matthew...I'm torn here. I don't even know if you care or not if I ever talk to you again, but I'm just really torn. On one hand, whatever, it's shitty but I can handle it. I'm so used to the bullshit this year that it's not totally beyond comprehension that I could move on from this. But on the other...it's you, you know? The one guy that I allowed myself to believe really did care about me. The one guy that I trusted, the one guy I really thought I had a chance with but there was the mere factor of 1,000 miles seperating us. Call me crazy, but that's what I thought. And it just really hurts that you felt like you had to lie to me. I still don't totally understand why you did. I know you had your reasons, but...damn.

And the sad thing is? I left it open. I didn't close the door on him or our friendship. Yeah, he lied. But at least he cared enough to admit it. At least he was practically begging to still be friends. I have to say that he's still not the biggest asshole ever, because that spot is taken by at least a couple more fucktards this year.

Yeah. So, thanks Myspace. I knew I shouldn't go there, I knew I shouldn't open that mysterious door, but I did, and now I have to deal with:
a. waiting for Ryan to email me back;
b. fending off a radio personality that's actually really cute
c. figuring out what to do with all this new information about Matt! Oh, good times.

The thing is...that whole thing with Matt is making me question things hardcore. Like, questioning everything I've ever known about anything. He never mentioned Arizona in his emails yet I just thought he didn't like talking about himself. I should have seen it but I just accepted it because he told me to. What is it with me and guys? Why am I so completely desperete that I'll just believe every single word that comes out of their mouth, even without proof?

Myspace is fucking evil. I have searched for everyone I have ever met and weirdly enough have found about half of them. What is the deal with this place? Why do we all care so much about it? Don't we all realize that there's just some doors that weren't meant to be opened? Holy mother of shitting fuck.

Anyway, if you want to check me and my ohsohotness out, please do so. I will add you so too can be popular.

Lordy. We're all in trouble now.

And the funny thing is? There really is no Arizona. Fuckers. I'm going to go take the postcard off my refrigerator now.