No surprises.

June 29, 2005

No, really, I love that nobody acknowledged my 4 year d-land anniversary at all, seriously. It makes my loins glow with happyness.

You know, sometimes I wish that I could surpise myself every now and then. On the surface, it would seem like I've done a good job of that lately. I've managed not to contact Matt in any kind of way in a month. I'm handling my financial situation in a more adult manner. I'm doing well at work and even staying to do overtime, which I really never did at any other job.

But when it comes to boys and crushes, I feel that nothing will ever change with me. I almost pretty much set myself up for disaster from the very beginning. Why do I do that? I mean, it's not like I'm even trying to talk myself into being that way, I just AM! Yes, there's a boy in my writing class that I find attractive. He makes me laugh. I want to know more about him, so I talk to him one night in the chat room. We instantly bond, a love for Nine Inch Nails connecting us right off the bat.

So, what do I do? I can't sleep at night because I'm too busy fantasizing about him. Sometimes I have to take a break at work because I'll be in the middle of the Amazing Race and can't shake a thought that I'm having about him. In my mind, I'm not quite married yet, but there is definitely a passionate love affair going on.

And is it possible that something might happen someday? I happen to think there is, yes. Tonight was a very good indication of that, I think; He brought me the book he mentioned that he thought I should read, but he also brought me something else that I didn't even ask for - he burned the new Nine Inch Nails CD for me! And he wrote all the names of the songs on the back of the thingie!

I also had to postpone writing this entry because we just talked again online for 30 minutes!

So it definitely seems like things might happen at some point. They're going at the speed that one might expect a normal budding flirtation type of thing to happen, not my speed of light way of doing things. So... patience. Patience is a good thing.

Except I just wanted to touch him all night. Except that there were long stretches of class tonight that I found hard to pay attention to because I was so focused on him and sitting right next to him. Except that I can't help but fantasize about him coming over here soon and just hanging out with him on my ugly sofa and have things naturally progress from there.

Patience, patience. I can't fuck this up before it actually happens. I don't even know if he wants more than a friendship, but I'm going to do my best to find out without making an ass out of myself.

But still.. I wish I could surpise myself. I wish I could maybe think about him every once in a while intead of having a full throttle obsession like every other guy in the past. Why can't I do that? Why am I just incapable of doing that? Is it something that's ever going to chance, or is it just something about me that I'm just going to have to deal with? Man alive.

But anyway, that's good stuff. I think I'm getting my period and my neck hurts and there is no way that I will be able to concentrate at work tomorrow when on Friday I will be in the nestling bosom of the teat of Las Vegas. I just..can't...concentrate.

Well, as Writer Boy said to me before he had to go to bed, sweet dreams, everyone.

And yes, I do realize that I pretty much spelled everything wrong in this entry and I have absolutely zero patience in dealing with that right now. Have a nice day.

*****

Now that I have 4 years of what I've been doing, I guess I have to change it. Either just do one sentence from each year or a couple of sentences from just one year. We'll see. Right now I'd like to share this from 4 years ago.

"Finally, it's Thursday. No more school. Now I get to go see my boyfriend and sink into comfortable bliss that I've known for so many years now. I'll drive the hour over there, I'll go to sleep in his bed, we'll do stuff this weekend that we'll always do, and it'll be nice, because I love him and appreciate him.

And then I'll wonder if I'm with the right guy and if I should really be there instead of out enjoying my college life.

And then I'll get over it, because I love him and I really don't have much interest in what college people do during the weekend.

And it's a cycle."