No more Matts, please.

December 05, 2005

For some reason, I guess I enjoy torturing myself when it comes to people in my past. That's why I used to look at Matt One's webpage on a daily basis even though I knew there wouldn't be anything I'd want to see. That's why I looked at Matt Two's page on myspace and read the blog entry he wrote on Saturday night. I didn't get far into it because as soon as I saw a sentence that said something like "As everyone knows, my life turned around when I met a girl named Chera." And I'm like, alrighty then, that's not me, I should stop reading this now.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I sent the link to J and asked him to read it and tell me if it said anything about me. I thought it might, actually, because I have a feeling the only reason he posted something in his blog is because he read what I wrote in my blog. (Don't you just love the internet?) I don't know that for sure, it's just a feeling I had. Anyway, J looked at it and said that not only had he not said anything about me, but I should just totally forget about this guy because he sucks. And I know that, and I know I really have no business looking at stuff that will ultimately make me start crying in the middle of my work day, but...I really liked him. I liked him a lot, and he made me feel like a Huge Fucking Idiot.

I think the worst is the fact that it's probably all my fault for believing anything he said in the first place. It's my fault for finding yet another boy and placing all my hopes and dreams in his hands only to be brutally disappointed when he turns out to be like everyone else. The first 3 weeks of our "relationship" were seriously some of the best weeks of my life. It was so nice to feel like I was wanted, like maybe I had actually found the person I was meant to be with. I emailed him for the first time on Match because he said he loved thunderstorms and when he got his own place, he'd love to have a deck so he could sit there and watch the rain. I feel hard for that. Way too hard.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't know what I can do to stop this cycle, but I know it involves not dating anyone and keeping myself from having crushes on anyone. I don't know how to do that, but if I don't, this non-stop cycle of crushing disappointment is never going to end, and I just don't need to keep putting myself through that.

You know what? A recent revelation I've had that many people have had much earlier in their lives...there is no guy in the world who's going to come along and save me from myself. There are no guys out there who are going to come in, fall in love with me and transform me. I used to think that could happen, but once the guy left, so did the transformation. It's temporary. But if I fix myself, if I become the person I know I can be, the person I've been working on all year but I have not yet fully become...then I won't need anybody to make me feel beautiful because I'll know that I am. Sounds lame, but I know it's true.

I guess that's what I want 2006 to be about. This year was about finding a job, finding myself in the working world, and losing a little weight, and also entering the world of dating for the first time in many years. It was also about having about 25 crushes and getting disappointed and disillusioned with every single one of them. So I want 2006 to be about finding myself, finding that part of myself that can rise above my past and make my future better. I have to do this, because if I keep having these meaningless crushes and falling for the most horrible guys ever, I will be in a permanent stage of crap, and I just don't want that anymore.

Anyway. I just thought I'd share that.

Ryan hasn't called, which is probably better for everyone. I am curious about what he looks and acts like these days, but I'm kinda glad not to know. We didn't end up together for a reason, you know?

I'm going to the gym now because I haven't been in 3 weeks and my ass is starting to show the signs of that.

Alrighty then.

Also, I think I'm gonna tell J about this place because I know about his little bloggy thing and it's only fair. If you get here, J, just know that there's over 4 years of mental retardation in this thing, and sometimes you just weren't meant to know things about a person.

Before I go, here's something I wrote for I-H8-Boys.
"You know what hurts the most? That he was the one, out of all the boys this year, that I thought was least capable of being an asshole, and it turns out he was the biggest one.

I really hope he loses sleep over this one. I hope that when he tries to drift away to the world of peaceful slumber, his mind won't let him stop thinking about the girl he totally fucked over. Okay, so maybe he did it so he wouldn't mislead me or something and make me think that there was still a chance with us, but guess what? Even when I thought he moved 1,000 miles away I still wanted a chance with him. And now that I know he didn't, now that I know I'm about as insignificant in his life as a dung beetle, it hurts that much more.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to "date" someone just to find out they're the exact opposite of who they say they are. I don't want to put my faith in someone and center my whole life around them just because they like me and want to get to know me better. I can't do it anymore, it's destroying me, and it's just not fun anymore.

I just hate that the thing I want most in life is the one thing I'm furthest away from right now. I just want true love, and it seems like that's just not in the cards right now.

I hate boys."