freaking my shit out and not understanding former soulmates

January 11, 2006

You know, with Josh, I don't ever really feel like I'm totally in control. I don't feel like he's in control either, but like...it's weird.

For example, we had plans for him to come over tonight, but he's having car issues and couldn't make it. What have I said over and over again in this friggin diary? That nothing makes me more unreasonably angry than when I think I'm going to see my boy and then I don't. And today was no exception...when he told me he wasn't going to be able to come, I got so friggin mad I had to hang up before I yelled at him. I actually threw my phone at my door in the car, causing the battery to fly out helplessly. And when I got home, I so totally cried! I cried like a chick who is out of control. I haven't gotten that out of control frustrated and weird for a really long time, and it freaked my shit out!

And just yesterday I was annoyed by how much he wanted to talk on the phone, how he gets irritated when I can't talk all the time, how he just seems so friggin needy all the time. Yet today I'm that exact same way.

This is a good reason why we aren't going to last...I can't handle this weirdness. I was exactly the same way 9 years ago and it's just really...unstable. Yet I love having him in my life. I love being intimate with him, and I'm not just talking about the sex. I mean being wrapped up in each other while we watch a movie. I mean the time when we go to bed, before we drift off to sleep, where we're holding each other and giving good night kisses and staring intently into each other's eyes.

I wish it wasn't him. I wish we didn't have the past, but if we didn't, we wouldn't have what we have right now. I wish a lot of things about him and us and me, but there's really nothing I can do about it except enjoy it while it lasts.

In more boy news (is there any other kind when it comes to me?) a year ago today is when Mike the Banker casually slipped his number over to me, and therefore started me on a path of a year of shitty dating. Mike was a pretty cool guy but unfortunately he pretty much only wanted him some sex, and he got it, and that was that. That wasn't fun, but at least he made me believe that there were boys out there other than Matt that could find me attractive. I at least owe him for that.

Um, I'm tired and *sigh* I'm waiting for Josh to call. We already had a phone sex type of situation earlier today. Man, that boy is so fucking sexy I just can't really seem to help myself. I am ashamed and appalled and aroused all at the same time.

Oooh, I got my Rip Magazine from 1990 that I ordered on Ebay, and it has this full page picture of Sebastian Bach and Axl Rose, together at last. I am not lying when I tell you I am taking that picture to my office tomorrow and putting it up in my cubicle. Hello, 2 of the sexiest men ever in the world! I'll take that.

That is all. If I had anything else to talk about I would, but you wouldn't be interested in the fact that my awesome personal trainer has "personal problems" and quit her job and now I have to find someone else, or yesterday I heard the piercing screams of a guinea pig while doing a documentary of a healer from Mexico. You know, stuff.

That is all.

****

1
"So. Yes. I WILL be having babies with someone, and that someone is Mike, my bank boyfriend. Bite me, Church Boy!"

3
"I hate this. I thought I'd never have to be out there again. But I am. So I might as well shut up about it."

and...
"It's just so goddamn fucking hard. It's so hard to go through life with someone for so many years, sharing so much with them, sharing every detail with them, and then they just... leave you."