too many ex0boyfriends!

January 08, 2006

So, wanna hear something weird? I'm pretty sure I saw Ryan at Freebirds tonight with his girlfriend. But I didn't say hi. He didn't say hi. It was just kind of a "let's pretend we don't exist" kind of situation.

It was a little strange but I didn't really care much either way. I am in relationship, he's in a relationship, and we haven't talked in like 95 years anyway. He was a big part of my past but that is all I care for him to be.

But meanwhile, please, let's have one ex-boyfriend from a million years ago at a time, please. Josh spent the night last night and I don't know...I hate that our time together is filled equally with awesomeness and crap. The awesomeness last night...we cuddled and watched both Kill Bills, and he made us some dinner. Oh my god, if this boy continues to cook for me the way he did last night, I don't know if I'll have the heart to ever break this off! He made steak and mashed potatoes and mushrooms and rolls and spinach and it was so fucking perfect I could hardly contain myself. I never appreciate the art of a boy who can cook, but my eyes have been opened, friends.

And man...never underestimate the power of a 2 am crazy make-out session. We didn't have the sex because of the aforementioned reason in my last entry, but the making out was so fucking great I just can't even describe it. What made it so awesome, I think, was the complete intimacy, the trust, the passion, the love that exists between us. I mean...man, I love him, I do.

But the other stuff...I can't deal with it and I don't want to. He's amazing, totally fucking amazing in a lot of ways, but there are things about him that I just can't and won't live with. I don't really want to go into detail about these things, but yeah...I can't do it.

So right now the question is, when am I going to get so tired of it that I let go? And when that time comes, will I be so attached that it's going to be impossible to go through with it? Don't get me wrong, he is nothing like he was 9 years ago. But the patterns I see are really looking familiar, and I'm just wondering what the hell is going to happen with us.

I have other things to say, but there is Season 3 of Sex and the City to contend with. Moo!