My last day - it's a bummer.

February 04, 2005

So today is my last day here in property management world.

You know when you close a door because a new one opened, and the day comes when you have to settle everything, clean out your desk and take everything home, and most of all, make sure you say goodbye to all the people that meant something to you?

That's what I'm doing today. I'm sad because everyone I've met here has meant a lot to me, and my ever increasing need for closure is not being met. Work Guy didn't even show up today. Me and the boss and Co-worker ate ourselves into a food coma at On The Border (yes, Ali-Kat, I did have me some fundido and it was AWESOME!) and now co-worker is gone and it's just me and the boss.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to the mailman that comes in here everyday because it was a different person today!

And yeah.. I went to the bank today. I went at a time when I thought Mike would be there, and he wasn't, and it really bummed me out. We don't have anything to say to each other, really.. it's pretty much over. I sent him a text message yesterday that said, "Is there anything I can do to make you not hate me so much?" That was 24 hours ago and he hasn't responded, so I'm just going to assume that there really is nothing I can do.

He did not allow me my bank closure, and that saddens me. Not to mention, it pisses me off, man.

Don't get me wrong - I'm enormously excited about starting my new job. It's a job that not only I know I can do and probably do it well, but it's for a good cause and it'll make me feel better about myself, or something. But getting closure is important to me. Today I feel like everything is scattered and not settled and it makes me a little crazy.

However, I did purchase some cards and did the whole sappy "I learned so much from you" thing. I know. It's cheesy, but you know me.

I called the new job yesterday and confirmed some stuff. I will not freak out about this job starting at 7 am. IN THE MORNING. That will not phase me. I will be just fine. Before we hung up, the HR chick said, "We're so glad you accepted our offer!" And I was like, "Thank you so much for hiring me, I'm going to work so hard for you!" Yeah. Gushy.

I said I wanted to do an introspective work kind of thing, but really? I'm not in the mood. I'll do one later, or maybe not at all. I'm in a food coma and I'm just so bitter about certain boys turning out to be assholes that I can barely see straight. I'll get over it soon.. I have to. I don't want to start a new job while I'm obsessing over someone who definitely isn't worth it.

I mean.. the sex was impossibly wonderful, and god, the kissing was what I'll miss the most. And we had such a wonderful first date, and there was so much promise! But I also spent a good majority of the last 3 and a half weeks feeling like a dumbass, wondering if I said or did the wrong thing, wondering if he was going to call or if we were going to hang out, and okay, great. It was a struggle, and it didn't work out. That's okay. I'll move on.

But right now, I'm just bummed out. I didn't think he was going to turn out to be an asshole. I think what hurts the most is that I feel like I've been taken advantage of, like he made a fool out of me, you know? I hate that. I hate the shit out of it.

Well, at least I don't have to struggle through awkward bank conversations anymore. Thank god for the new job. I don't know what I'd do without it.

I'm actually starting to wonder if anything he said was ever actually true, but that makes everything from the very start a lie. I don't want it to be a lie. I don't want that look he used to give me when I walked into the bank to be a lie. That day when he just stopped in the middle of everything and gave me his number, like he couldn't stand it anymore, like he had to give it to me or he was always going to regret it.. I don't want that to be a lie. Maybe it is. Maybe this is a whole routine he does with every girl that comes in the bank. I hate thinking that, because I really don't want to think it was a lie. But.. maybe it was.

Again with the closure. I'll never know what he was really thinking, and he'll never know that I'm really not all that psycho, but the sex just made me a little crazy. Whatever. Mike. He's gone. Let's all update our address books and move on with our lives. It's too bad, too. He was like, the second hottest person I've ever dated.

*sigh*

This is what's amusing me this afternoon. It's amazing, and you need to try it now.

I'm going to a churchy party type of thing tonight. There is a chance Church Boy will be there, but I'm sure he won't be because that's just what happens in my life.

As a tangent because I'm bored and don't want to end the entry yet, I just want to say that while my life is vastly improving and is about 90% better than it was 5 years ago, I still feel a little empty and bummed and less than excited about the future. I will allow myself to feel this way for the next 3 days, and then I will embrace my job like I have never embraced anything before. This job will make me everything I want to be, and if it doesn't, than everything I have ever believed is wrong.

So there.

*****

2 years ago...
"I did this for myself, not for him, not for my parents, not for my friends. And I have to start looking at it like that because if I don't, I might just keep waking up and crying every day. And I really don't want to do that."