This might just possibly be the longest entry of all time.

February 03, 2005

I have a confession to make, and it's not pretty.

I am completely obsessed with the song "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't know why, but I just am. Last night, after I worked out of course, I drove from my apartment to where my new job is located, just to time it without traffic, and I listened to that song on repeat for a solid 45 minutes. It's a sickness.

Another sickness I seem to possess? I am also completely obsessed with Sex and the City. I totally can't get enough of it. I know we all think we're Carrie, but I really am! I swear! I am fascinated by Sarah Jessica Parker, horse face and all. It's like my fascination with Jennifer Aniston.. I will watch anything if she's in it.

Just kill me now.

I am all alone at work for the moment, and so I have absolutely nothing to do but sit here and write this entry. Therefore, it will be long. Let's all know this and be comfortable with it.

In other news, there have been times in my life where I felt like maybe I was going a little crazy. Like, the whol e month of September 2003, for example.

But for a solid 24 hours, from Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday afternoon, I honestly thought I had lost my mind. For some reason I got it in my head that since I haven't receieved my offer letter for my new job yet, maybe I just made up the whole thing! And maybe I made up the whole sex thing, too, because Mike pretty much has total denial of the whole thing (not that we've even gotten a chance to talk about it, but I mean.. he hasn't even mentioned it at all!) and well, it's not like that kind of thing happens to me everyday.

It made sense that I could have made it all up because last week, there was like 2 days in a row where everything was so totally surreal that it couldn't have all been true. On Thursday afternoon, I finally laid the smack down on Matt and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. On Thursday night, there was the sex. On Friday afternoon, there was the job offer. Those kinds of things NEVER happen to me anyway, so for them to happen in a 24 hour period just kinda.. drove me crazy, I guess.

But you will all be happy to know that I DID get my offer letter yesterday. I was so happy I almost shit my pants. Here's what it says at the beginning of the letter:

Dear Elizabeth, I am very pleased to offer you employment with Good Work Place (not the real name!) as a Caption Editor in the production department. This is to confirm some, but not all, verbal discussions concerning your employment.

So there!

I was so happy to get that letter, you just don't understand. I was already imagining coming to terms with the fact that I made the whole thing up, and then I would have to tell everyone that I didn't actually have a new job, and then I would have to go check myself into a mental institution. It's nice to know that I'm not actually crazy.

You know what? It's Mike. He's making me feel crazy. When I called him on Saturday and had my shit fit, he acted like I was the craziest human to ever walk this earth.

But hey, guess what? I feel almost perfectly justified in my shit fit. Sex IS a big deal to me. I WILL freak out about it because:
a. I haven't had it in 7 YEARS. He knew this. We talked about it frequently.
b. He hasn't had it in a couple of years, as well. He said he had the "opportunity" with others, but he just never went there. So why did he decide I was a prime candidate for this?
c. I am a female. For a lot of us, sex unlocks something in us that makes us all emotional and crazy. If you're a male and you don't know this, you're an idiot.
d. I didn't plan on doing that activity last week, it just all kinda happened at once. I blame it on That Kiss. That incredibly powerful and insane and magnetic kiss.
e. He didn't call me the next day. There's just no fucking excuse for that.

So, okay. I admit that I should have just buried myself under the covers and put my cell phone in the freezer instead of calling him, but it freaked me out, and he made me feel crazy.

So, what do we all get from this? Maybe it's just time to admit to ourselves that Mike is an asshole, and that's it. Maybe the sex freaked him out, I don't know. It was like a death wish for our "relationship", that's for sure. It's been total shit ever since the second the sex was over, when instead of just lying there and maybe cuddling for 2 seconds, he jumped out of bed and started bouncing all over his apartment, like he had just been recharged and his energy was at its peak.

So, whatever. I'm NOT crazy, I'm just emotional, and I had PMS, which is a lethal combination. If he can't give me another chance, fine, whatever. I'll take this week to be bummed about it, and then I'm going to throw myself into my new job. Sounds like a good plan to me.

I didn't see him at the bank yesterday, but the other teller guy stopped in the middle of my deposits, and I was like, "What, did I do something wrong?" And he was like, "No, I'm just looking for Mike." He didn't find him, so of course I started to wonder why he was looking for Mike. In my head, I reasoned it was because Mike told him to let him know if I stopped by, or something equally retarded. Whatever it was, I didn't see him. But I left two blow pops by his computer, so he could spend the whole day wondering who this Blow Pop bandit was.

It's a shame, really. We started out really strong out of the gate, with that awesome first date and the hour-long conversations and the amazing attraction. But, what can you do? He's a butthead. There's nothing I can do about that.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I know I'll be happy that I'm moving on, but I also know I'm going to be all emotional about leaving, too. These people have meant a lot to me over the past year. Plus, I'm sure if it was a normal job, I would have been fired like, 9 months ago. They saved my ass. I am grateful for that.

I love iTunes. Right now it's playing "Bad Obsession" by GN'R. *contented sigh*

Here's a music quiz thing I stole from Unclebob, the legend himself.

1. What are the total amount of music files on your computer? I have 636 songs on iTunes. Sadly enough, I've actually started to legally download songs! I know, it's shocking.

2. The last CD you bought was? I think it was Elton John's latest CD, Peachtree Road. Songs I've purchased lately:
N.W.O. - Ministry
Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
Just One Fix - Ministry
Psalm 69 - Ministry
(I'm obviously reliving my junior high school era obsession with Ministry)
High Enough - Damn Yankees
Stranglehold - Ted Nugent
Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet
There Goes My Baby - Trisha Yearwood

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message? Slither, by Velvet Revolver. You gotta love that Slash solo, dude.

Write down five songs you often listen to, or that mean a lot to you.

a. Don't Cry, Guns N Roses - This song, ever since I heard it the first time when I was 12 years old, has always meant something to me. The line "Baby, Maybe, Someday" has struck a chord in me. I love me some Axl, yes sir.

b. My Immortal, Evanescense - I know that's SO goth of me, but come on... if you've ever been through a bad break-up, you know you can identify with this song.

c. Black, Pearl Jam - It's just always been one of my all time favorite songs.

d. Dream On, Aerosmith - I became obsessed with this song in 3rd grade. It's just awesome.

e. Politik, Coldplay - There's so many songs I could put on this list, but none that take me captive like this one. Just download it right now and listen to it immediately. DO IT!

On my way to work this morning, my iPod so aptly played "You Aint the First" by GN'R. As I listened it, I realized that I AM this song! Seriously! I've been listening to this song ever since I was a pre-teen, and I used to laugh at it because it's funny, but now I'm not laughing, except in an ironic "Fuck you!" kind of way. I will put the lyrics at the end of this entry, and don't tell me you don't see me in that fucking song.

Mike sucks.

I would also like to add that I feel for the people who audition for American Idol. I mean, some of them are just horrible and have no concept of reality, and that's not really what I'm talking about. Those auditions just remind me of all the job interviews I've been on, and how hard it is to sell yourself, and then to get the "You're going to Hollywood!" from Simon and Paula and Randy must feel like getting the job.

I am going to Hollywood! But I had to go through Simon first.

That is all for now, I guess. Although now I'm going to be really bored. Blah.

*****

2 years ago...
"It just boggles my mind that boys can just so easily go on from relationship to relationship, not even taking the time to think about missing the one they left behind. Do you guys have any idea how long 5 years is? It's a fucking half a decade! It's almost 1/4 of my life! And he just goes on to the next one like it meant nothing to him. It's just so fucking retarded."

3 years..
"I follow her like a little puppy dog into the bathroom, thinking she was just going to go in a stall and change, right? Well, no. She starts stripping right in the middle of the bathroom, and woah. I'm not exaggerating when I say this chick is a hottie. A total hottie. So I was trying not to stare too much at her, but her boobs were all hanging out and she had this lacey white underwear on and good lord. I know I'm deviant, but it was hard not to be deviant when this hot chick is just stripping all over the place."

*****

Guns N Roses - You Ain't The First
I tried so hard just to get through to you
But your head's so far
from the realness of truth
Was it just a come on in the dark
Wasn't meant to last long
I think you've worn your welcome honey
I'll just see you along as I sing you this song

Time can pass slowly,
things always change
You day's been numbered
And I've read your last page
You was just a temporary lover
Honey you ain't the first
Lots of others came before you woman
Said but you been the worst
Sa' you been the worst

So goodbye to you girl
So long, farewell
I can't hear you cryin'
Your jivin's been hell
So look for me walkin'
Down your street at night
I'll be in with another
Deep down inside
DEEP DOWN INSIDE