A look back at why it's good to move on with your life.

December 09, 2005

I want to post an entry I wrote 2 years ago just because I think it's a pretty interesting glance at me and Matt One's relationship. It also makes me thank the Lord and everything else involved that I am not with him anymore. In a lot of ways, we fit well together. But in the most important ways, we never did.

This is at a point when I was still living in Austin but I was about to move back to Dallas in a few weeks. We had been a "long distance relationship" for about 6 months (after being together 5 years, and then an 8 month break up), and we were both getting a little nervous about what was going to happen when I got back to Dallas. So here it is, and let's all thank each other that we do have the power to move on.

Anyway. I am driving myself crazy today.

On one hand, this whole argument between us started because I was angry he wasn't coming to see me this week. He even said he would come next week because he was meeting with his boss over here, but that even made me more mad. He only comes when he has someone else to see? That doesn't seem right to me. So I got mad. And he got mad that I got mad.

So, I guess I'm willing to concede that maybe freaking out about that wasn't totally necessary. But then I keep thinking "sex and companionship, sex and companionship," over and over again, and it seems like I did the right thing. He can get those two things from anyone. I like to think that sex and companionship is only a few of the things we recieve from each other. I know I've just said this so many times and we're all tired of it, but 5 years, people. 5 long years, 5 long years of being together and sharing experiences and all that crap, and now it's just down to sex and companionship?

But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I got my panties in a wad. I don't know. I haven't cried since I told him I didn't want this anymore. (Well, I did cry a little, but that was when I was watching a particularly sincere moment at the end of a West Wing rerun this morning) I haven't talked to him since then. I haven't written him a tearful email saying I'm sorry. I'd like to think I wasn't wrong. I go over this conversation we had last night and I think, "Well, that wasn't SO bad, he defines companionship as enjoying our time together, and we enjoy nookie together too, so what's really wrong with that?"

But deep down, I know it wasn't that conversation that brought this on. It's been everything. The disrespect. The knowledge that if we do get married, our life together will be much different than the life I had growing up, and I'm not so sure I want that. The fact that he is up until 5 in the morning every single day and doesn't wake up until 2. The fact that he doesn't plan on ever getting a real job if he can help it. The fact that my family basically hates him. The fact that he has never really treated me the way that I feel I deserve.

The simple fact is that I have loved him through every single period of our relationship. I loved him when he loved someone else. I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him when he had everything. I loved him through everything, and I feel like I deserve something for that. I deserve more of him. I deserve more than "sex and companionship."

I asked him last night, do you not have any love for me at all? He said that of course he loved me, but it's not the kind of love I want.

And he's right. It's never been the kind of love I wanted. I dealt with it because I loved him, and I thought maybe someday I'd get what I deserve. Well, I still haven't. I'm still waiting.

I want to talk to him. I want him to fight for me. But I'm leaving it up to him. If he wants it, he has to come get it. I'm not going to make it easy for him if I can help it.

It's not about sex and companionship. It's about everything. It's about all the little things that have always bothered me. I have to keep that in mind.

Phttt.

My mom said, "Are you dealing with this?"

Well yes, I'm dealing with it. I've been dealing with it for the past 14 months. Except now it's on my terms, and that's what matters. I did this. He didn't. He would have been happy with sex and companionship. I am not happy with sex and companionship. I like to think that 6 years of knowing each other brings on a little more then sex and companionship.

But what do I know?