I will miss you when I'm gone, I know that for sure.

September 26, 2005

First of all, omg, wireless internet is just the coolest invention ever. I am writing this at Barnes and Noble, where I decided to come after work so I wouldn't instead take a nap and feel sorry for myself. Woo, rock on with that shiznit.

In retrospect, maybe it wasn't such a brilliant idea to see Matt Two this weekend. It seemed so simple...just to get together one last time, share a night of passion, and say our good-bye's.

Instead, I walked away knowing that he really does care about me. I walked away from his apartment, after we shared one last explosive kiss, knowing he was leaving and there was nothing I could do, but still feeling like I left something. I felt like the door is closing on this way before it should. And that...sucks. I am losing it, people, I can tell you that for sure.

Okay, let's recap, shall we? I meet a lovely gentlemen on Match.com near the beginning of August. We send, like, 40 emails the first week. We meet for the first time on a Saturday night briefly, and things went well. The next day, we saw a movie and had dinner and it was mutally agreed that we enjoy each other's company. He mentions at this dinner at Chili's that he is going to Phoenix in September to hang out with his dad. From the very first time he mentioned it, I dreaded this trip. Maybe it was because I knew if we lasted that long, I'd just really miss him when he was gone. Maybe I just felt weird vibes and knew that trip would not just be another trip.

More emails were sent. We saw each other a few more times. We started kissing and never stopped because if there's one thing we both agree on in this relationship, it's that the kissing was fucking unbeliveable. I know I don't have tons of experience to compare it to, but I have kissed some people in my time, and it has NEVER been like this.

And then, for some unknown reason, a chain of unfortunate events happen in his life. We have a bit of trouble. After talking everyday for 3 weeks, he drops off the radar for a few days. He says that he had to "think about us" and all this other stuff. Maybe, just maybe, it's the end. I can't accept this. There is a lot of back and forth emails and nothing is decided.

Then there's a week or two of complete radio silence. After I write a "Hey, what's going on" email, he writes back the dreaded words..."I will most likely be moving to Arizona."

Okay, then. That was fun.

We pretty much stop talking after that point. There is complete radio silence for 15 days. I know now there was no communication because he knew in his heart that since he was moving, he had to cut things off. I thought it was because he didn't care. I thought it was because he just didn't want to be with me anymore.

I start to move on, figuring that this is one massive blow off and I sure will miss him when he goes to Phoenix. Last Tuesday, I called him and left a voice mail about me and Ali-Kat going to a restaurant near his house. He doesn't call me back, but 2 days later, I finally get an email. It was 17 days since the last one.

I'm not sure what he expected from sending that email, but I got what I wanted that day. I used my special reporter manipulative skills to get him to think about me and thus want to see me. Friday night...I don't know what I expected from it. I thought we'd go, have some fun, kiss a lot, and I'd leave with a satisfied grin on my face. But instead, it validated the fact that he cares about me, still has crazy passion for me, and is sad about all the things we missed out on, like him coming to the farm and me never meeting his weird scary mom.

I've never been in this situation...where everything clicks and everyone likes each other, but we just...can't be together. I suppose there's always the long distance thing, but that hasn't been discussed, and he's moving there permanantly and I have no plans to do so. I would in a heartbeat if...well, if he asked me to, and if I didn't have the awesomest job ever here in Dallas.

It's just sad. We exchanged a few emails today during work, and in one of him, he said, "I will miss you when I'm gone, I know that for sure." And that simple little sentence just...destroyed me.

As my mom says, if it was meant to be, we'll find a way. But right now I'm just wishing we had a chance to get to know each other...I wish I had a chance to play video games with him and go to Fossill Rim and take him to the farm to meet Charlie and there was just so many things we talked about doing together that we just can't do now, and I hate that. I HATE knowing that something could have happened and it didn't.

He's leaving at the end of the week. I just...don't know. This is really hard and I'm not sure how to take my mind off something that ended before its time. Don't get me wrong, I know it wasn't perfect and he was kind of strange in the way he dealt with problems, but that's something we could learn to deal with. There was so many good things that I can't see how the bad things could be SO BAD that they would outnumber them.

This is just me in my wistful "Oh, look what could have been" stage and I know it won't last and he'll move and I'll move on and meet other boys and eventually take off the Arizona postcard I have on my refrigerator right now and soon enough I'll be able to listen to Pink Floyd again without thinking of him, but right now, I just...can't fucking stand it, this bullshit of "the one who got away."

Well, anyway. This is dating, I guess. This is what I missed out on by hibernating in a cave for nearly 8 years. I hope I don't have to do this for much longer, because damn, does it suck.

For the time being, if you ever catch me lumping Matt Two in with the rest of the guys I've dated, call me on it, because he is totally different and I can't compare him to anyone else.

*sigh*

In other news, I finally watched a couple episodes of Tommy Lee Goes to College on my DVR and that is an entertaining show. Tommy Lee rocks and if you disagree I will come kick your ass.

Also, at work all we're doing for the next couple of days is Family Feud. Family Feud, all day, all the time, until we all keel over in our cubicles. There's only so much Richard Dawson a girl can take, you know?

Wow, I talk a lot when I'm at Barnes and Noble. Or, you know, any other place.

Like the new layout?

*****

a year ago...
"I kept thinking, "I talk a big game, I act like it's not a big deal that Matt and I don't have it together, but when it comes down to it, I'm still a big baby, and I still want the things I've always wanted!"

2
"I miss Matt. Bah. That's not a fun subject for me right now. I miss when he actually gave a shit about me. That was a good time."

3
"I am fascinated by Axl Rose. Seriously, like a deep and hardcore fascination. This isn't the fascination I had 11 years ago when I first started like him. This isn't a "Wow, he's so cute and hey, he can sing too" kind of fascination. This is a total and complete fascination, a "what the hell is going through his mind" kind of fascination."

4
"There's this girl in one of my classes who keeps staring at me in an evil kind of way whenever I speak in class. She sits next to me, and even when I'm finished with the question, she's still staring at me like I've grown horns."