Being insecure is stupid.

February 19, 2006

So everytime we all panic here in Texas with the whole "Ohmygod it's 30 degrees and raining we all must stay in because if we go outside we'll DIE!" I always wish I had somebody here with me to outlast the cold, to spend quality time with while the weather is bad and you just really don't want to go outside.

Well, this weekend I had just that. I picked Josh up on Friday, we got to my apartment at 4:00 in the afternoon, and I did not go outside for one second until 4:00 today, and that was to take him home.

You know what? It was really nice. We now know that it's possible to go 48 hours without fighting. It was nice to wake up next to him, knowing we weren't in a hurry to go anywhere. It was fun being totally and completely lazy. Oh, and also? I totally got STONED for really the very first time in my life. It was all right. It's not something I'd want to do on a daily basis, but it would be something enjoyable to do from time to time. What it did was make me feel totally and completely lazy. I did not want to move. Also, it made me really into Josh's dog. Like, she was all soft and cuddly and all I wanted to do was put my face in her fur. So, that's getting stoned for me.

But there was one little problem: my complete lack of being secure. That is, my total insecurity.

Now, I KNOW that Josh loves me and sees himself with me for the rest of his life. I know that he finds me attractive and is, in fact, attracted to me. I do not think he'd ever cheat on me. I know with every fiber of my being that he truly does love me. So what the hell was my problem this weekend? I didn't feel like there was enough touching. Yes, that's what I said, touching.

It's just that...the first time he came over here, he was touching me the entire time and would not let go of me for anything. And this weekend, 2 months later, it's not like he didn't touch me at all but it was definitely less. There was no making out, just little kisses here and there. And we only had sex 4 times! I know that's nothing to be sad about, but damn just 2 weeks ago we had sex 4 times in 5 hours!

In my brain, I understand that this is what happens when one is in a normal relationship. Things settle down into a routine and it's not as exciting or sexual or lustful as it once was. Me, being the insecure buttface I am, brought this situation up to Josh and he just said he wasn't as horny as he used to be. He hadn't gotten any in a long time before me, now he's gotten some, and now he just doesn't want it as much anymore. I totally understand the concept. I understood when he said, "I like touching you, but sometimes it's nice to just sit on the sofa." I get that. But still, to not be touched as much, to not feel like I'm as wanted as I used to be...that hurts. And it's totally my problem, and it's been my number one problem since I first started dating. I realize this. I want to do something about it before I ruin this virtually un-ruinable relationship.

I know that we're just settling into a normal relationship and I should be happy that we got to this point. But the fact that we actually talk about sex before having it instead of it naturally progressing just because we're both so hot for each other we can't stand it, that bums me out. I'll get over it. I hope I will, because I know I kinda drove Josh crazy with my bullshit. I hate that about me. I hate that when it first started it was him being the needy one and now it's 100% me. I suck.

Anyway, yah. Good times, I guess. It really was a good weekend for us and I miss him already and I'm dreading going to bed because he won't be there with me. I really do love him and I really am completely attracted to him. There were some bothersome things but nothing that I can't see past right now. We'll see. As Matt told me the very first time we hung out, there's only 2 options for relationships: either we'll break up or we'll get married. Good, good times.

For Josh's birthday next month, I bought some tickets to a Dallas Mavericks game. It was only after I bought the tickets that I noticed the game was actually in San Antonio. Ooops. No big deal, SA is only 4 hours from here, and I took part of a Thursday and all of a Friday and got a hotel room for us for Thursday night, and I'm looking forward to that. It'll be our first hotel room nookie. Ah, king sized beds.

Okay then. Tired. Head hurts. Cold. Will shut up now.

*****
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"Everyday, I become more disillusioned with my life. Everyday, I become just a little more bitter about where I'm going, where I've been, and where I'll end up. Everyday I learn to hate my environment, hate my body, hate my peers, hate everything."