Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

November 06, 2005

Oh, man, I am SO behind on Nano this year that I'm actually kinda ashamed of myself. I'm almost up to 6,000 words and by this time, it should be around 10,000. Oh well, I am doing other things like working and hanging out with my mommy, so that's good. I will get this damn novel finished, it just might take all 30 days. Poo.

So today in my sunday school class, as Church Boy was teaching a lesson about hope and optimism and such, I had a revelation. Maybe he has already fulfilled his purpose in my life and now it's really time to give up the fantasy.

When he was in my life last year and we were vibing and making connections and oozing with good stuff, he was the first person in a really long time who came along and made me see that there wasn't only Matt. That there are other people in this world who find me interesting, who want to know more about me. Before Church Boy came along and showed me that, I really had no idea. I stuck with Matt for so long because I seriously thought he would be the only person in the world who would ever really and truly get me.

So Church Boy made me see that, and although I didn't cut Matt loose or anything, it did make easier it when he eventually cut ME loose. He made me see that not everything was hopeless, and that there IS someone out there for me and it doesn't have to be JUST Matt.

I do wish we could have gotten something going between us, but the timing wasn't right. It's been a year now and I have to assume that since nothing has happened yet, nothing will happen. If it was meant to be, I feel like something would have happened between us already.

So, I am ALMOST prepared to give this one particular dream up, but...next weekend is our retreat, and who knows what can happen? It's a whole weekend of possible vibes, so I will wait and see what that brings. When we had that little party a month ago, the Vibes were still there, and that was just one night. We'll see, yes, we will see.

In other boy news, for the past month or so the whole Matt One thing has been hitting me pretty hard. I mean, not so much that I'm crying over it or losing sleep or anything, but the random memories and the feelings of loss and all that junk have been appearing more than before.

I was thinking why now, why is it getting a little worse after all this time that I've had to get used to it, and I have to assume it's because of it being the Fall. The Fall was always a special time for us in our relationship, and this is the first one in 8 years where I've really truly been without him. And you know what? I'm just going to admit that sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I think about him and his new girlfriend and his successful career and I'm just...jealous. And a little bitter. I was there when he had nothing, and now that he's all successful and happy, I don't get to be a part of that. Yes, that makes me sad, I won't lie.

My life is good too, yes, I know. But...I know a lot of you know what I'm talking about. No matter how well I'm doing or how happy I am, sometimes I just wish I could share it with him. Sometimes I wish we could have made it work. Sometimes I wonder how we could have made it for 5 years even though neither of us were totally happy most of that time. Sometimes I'm bitter that he must be so supremely happy right now that maybe this really is "the happiest he's ever been." And sometimes it gets to me that I'm not the one who made him that happy.

I was also thinking, this is the first time in many, many years that I've been so very single. It's the first time I've let myself think that hey, I really don't know who I'm going to marry! In the past, even when I was on the outs with Matt, I always figured we would get married. Why wouldn't we? But the thought of not knowing who I'm going to marry...sometimes that just fucking drives me crazy. I'm 26, I'm getting older, and damnit, I just want to know! It's just a foreign concept almost, one that I can't wrap my head around sometimes.

In other non-boy news, SNL did a whole hour and a half on their best commercial parodies last night and it made me laugh like a retard the whole way through. Ah, Colon Blow, how I love thee.

I also had my small group at church tonight and I felt really good about what we accomplished. It was the first night that I was leading truly by myself, and I think I did a good job. I was proud of myself, anyway. Woo, leadership skills rock!

Today is my mom's birthday. She's 59. We had a little party at my grandmother's house, which is always interesting. My grandmother has a boarder living with her right now, and this chick, who I met for the first time today, just kinda looked at me and randomly said, "You're very pretty." And I was like, "Wow, thanks!"

I've lost a few pounds over the last week because of the wonder that is Meridia, and I feel like I look better, so that's good. Yay for looking good! Or something.

Now I would like to talk about work. Work, work, work. Work is going very well these days. I did 13 hours of overtime last week and will do more if it's available this week. My crush on M caused me to wear this low-cut shirt on Friday, and okay, I was also rocking the push up bra for a fun effect. At one point I was talking to J, and he said, "Wow, you have cleavage today!" As he said, we are definitely an oversharing office. Is something on your mind? Please, tell us about it, because we want to know! There are no secrets in the world of captioning, I'll have you know.

I love my job. I really and truly love it. I haven't gotten my promotion yet, but I know it is forthcoming. I also had the thought today...yeah, I'm good at this job, and yeah, I'm a benefit to the company, and yeah, they need me. But cut the ego shit, because you know what? I need THEM as much as they need me, probably even more because without them I wouldn't have a job. So that kinda brought me down and that is definitely a good thing.

I would also like to mention the fact that I haven't talked to Matt Two in 3 weeks. It's weird how I seemed to get over that whole thing as fast as I did. My mom said it was because of the whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and I guess that's true. He's in Phoenix, there's not much I can do about that. But, I am glad he was in my life for the short period he was.

Rah rah rah.

I'm tired and my neck hurts like a mofo, so goodnight, D-Land. Remember to rock out with your cocks out.