The Me Era Manifesto

April 29, 2005

Hey, anyone want to read a REALLY LONG entry? I thought you did!

I am writing this at the cafe at Borders while simultaneously working on that which is sllooowwwly becoming my "novel." I don't like the way it's starting out to be, but at least it's starting out in general, and that is defnitely a good thing.

Blah blah blah, Matt. We all knew I was going to talk about him, so let's get it out the way, shall we?

I feel okay. I don't trust myself enough to really think that I am actually okay, but I'm getting there. You know what I mean? Everyone is telling me that they're proud of the steps I seem to be making in my life, but I've had such a crappy track record that I kinda find it hard to believe that this is progress. Which is not an entirely healthy way to look at things, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

What makes me feel like I'm making more progress than ever is that I haven't contacted him (other than the 2 sentence email about my email address for his secret shopping purposes) at all in the past 4 days. More than that.. I have no urge to. Sure, I imagine confrontations we might have in my head, but I know those confrontations will never take place. Everything I could possibly say to him right now.. it's already been said. It will have no impact on him because he's heard it all before, and not just once, 100 times or more.

I know I've said this before, but I think not saying anything, not trying to contact him in any way, not looking at his web page 10 times a day like I did the first time this happened, deleting my email address... I think it speaks volumes.

I think it's so amazing that for the first time in almost 8 years, I have absolutely nothing to say to him, and no urge to say it. I don't want to send him a random text message, I don't want to call him, I don't want to look to see if he's online. If he wanted to talk... I don't know, really, but I want to say that I just won't allow myself to talk to him. There is nothing to say. There is no closure to be had. I haven't left anything at his house that I need to get, we don't have any mutual interests that have to be settled anymore...so this is it. That's the closure. And I'm okay with that.

I don't really know what he feels about that, and I don't really care. Having known him for so long and remembering all the things we talked about in those early raw heartbreaking days of the break-up, I know that he has some kind of guilty conscience. I know that he loves me, but he just can't be with me the way I always wanted. I know he knows what happened 2 and a half weeks ago, and I almost know for a fact that he probably feels bad about it.

Now, true... he's probably so happy and content with his life right now that his guilty conscience isn't really bothering him. But someday, when she can't come over and it's late at night and he feels lonely.. he'll think about that. And that's worth it to me.

Again, this might sound like female empowerment bullshit, but today I had a realization that I would really like to keep in my mind at all times when thinking about this situation. The past 7.5 years of my life was the Matt era. In those years, I graduated from high school, went to college, graduated from college, got my first real job. I ended friendships and I made few new friends. I gained a lot of weight and for a couple of years, I just couldn't give one shit about my appearance.

I moved to Austin and found out that I could, in fact, live without Matt, although I didn't really want to. I grew spiritually, and I regressed spiritually. Many things happened that I regret, but many things happened that I look back on with complete fondness... like.. our trip to Vegas to see Guns N Roses in 2001. The complete and total bliss I felt when we hung out in College Station 2 years ago. When we went to homecoming together my senior year of high school, when I looked really good in my dress and when I just didn't care what happened to me in my future because he was there, right beside me. But that was the Matt era. That era is now officially over, and instead of mourning it, I am (almost) ready to move on.

In the next era of my life, the Me era, things are looking up. Sure, Matt is making A LOT more money than me, his job has more prestige, he's going to buy a house soon, he's losing weight like crazy, he gets to travel basically whenever he feels like it, he's working on his PhD, and he has a new girlfriend. That's good for him - I'm proud of him, I really am. And, well... a lot jealous, I admit.

But things aren't looking so shitty for me, either. I'm about to get a new car. In a month, I'll be moving into a new apartment.

Oh, yeah, that's a new development. My 22 YEAR OLD roommate bought a house. She didn't bother to tell me this until yesterday, when I have a month to find something else. I freaked out about that yesterday, but today I am optimistic. I'm going to try living by myself again, and I'm going to make it into a bachelor's pad! Oh, yes. It's all about changing my environment and my aura.

My new era is writing a novel and doing my damndest to get it published. My new era is dating and not taking everything so fucking seriously. My new era is hanging out with my bestest friend Ali-Kat, taking road trips to Oklahoma. My new era is making new friends, putting myself out there and making myself known, not just hanging back and letting things happen.

My new era is about losing weight and becoming healthy. I realize that just not eating at all is not exactly an appropriate or healthy way to lose weight, but I've lost 6 pounds in the past 4 days, so I'm not complaining. Don't worry, I will return to normal soon, like in the next couple of days. But not my definition of normal, but a healthier defnition of normal so that I can finally lose this weight and not just hate myself for not being able to do it.

My new era is also about my job. I don't make a lot right now, but I was informed by a co-worker today that once I get out of the 6 month probationary period, there is a SIGNIFICANT raise involved. I can handle that. That makes me happy. And.. I like my job. I don't dread going to work. I love doing Match Games and Sanford and Sons, and what I love even more is the reaction people have when I tell them about my job. Most likely, it's something to the effect of, "Wow, I don't come across people who do that job very often!" It's unique, and I love that.

The Matt era taught me a lot about myself and how I am all about cultivating the bad habits. The Me era will be about getting rid of those bad habits and not letting myself be defined by anything but the confidence I have in myself.

Now, that being said... I still miss him. I know that particular feeling won't go away for quite some time... it might never go away. Hell, I still think about Ryan every day and we haven't really dated in 10 years.

So, yeah.. I miss him, but hopefully at some point soon I can sort out my feelings and not lay the blame on him, and not put the blame on me, but just realize that it was the best thing for all of us. We had a real connection and passion, but I guess.. I guess that can only take you so far. I guess, in the end, it's not the connection and the passion, but it's what you want out of the other person, and I just didn't have those things. And I can really admit to myself that there's a lot about him that I didn't always love, but I was willing to overlook them. But maybe someday I'll find someone where I don't have to overlook huge things just because I was comfortable.

So, that's me. I realize that out of the novel-length entries that I've written in my life, this might be the longest ever. But, it also might be the most important.

In other news, I saw XXX today. I really, really enjoyed it. I love those shitty action movies, I really do. I also saw The Interpreter when I was in Austin, and holy damn did I love that movie! Sean Penn.. mmmm.
I also got my tickets for my trip to Vegas in July, which I am outrageously excited about. I will probably have a whole 24 hours in Vegas to myself before my mom and stepdad come from Utah to pick me up, and oh, the gambling that will take place excites me in ways that definitely shouldn't. Well, a girl has to get her thrills when she can. The near future is looking bleak for any good orgasm action, with my porn nestling safely in the bosom of Ali-Kat's apartment and my main hookup being occupied with other sorts.

Oh, wow, I should REALLY shut up now.